What's In Your Mind?

Who am I on February 15, 2003?

Today is my 29th birthday. I am in Paris on a business trip and have invited all my Parisian friends to celebrate the event with me in a bar that I have rented for the occasion. I have just started my new job managing research programs on Climate Change for a Research Institute. More recently, I was doing Corporate Development (acquiring technology and buying companies) for a large software company. I have made this radical career change because I want to make more of a difference in the world, and I feel that Global Warming is a pressing problem that needs addressing. I know that, no matter how much I also liked my other job, I will feel more fulfilled working for the environment than working for a company that sells enterprise software… I feel that I have just made a bold life and career change, and I know that there will be no going back, as the Global Warming problem is there to stay and increase in the years to come… I know that more and more people will also come to work on trying to solve that daunting problem facing humanity.

I am single, have had several relationships that lasted a few months at most… I have not met "the right guy" yet. But I have many friends on both sides of the Atlantic Ocean, and it feels like family… I grew up in France, went to MIT for a couple of years, then moved to the San Francisco Bay area 4 years ago. I saw with amusement (and took part in) the "rise and fall" of the internet bubble, what a crazy time it was!

I don’t have a spiritual life. In fact, I don’t really know what that means. As I was reflecting on life/career goals at the end of my time at MIT, I know I wrote down that I wanted to "develop my spiritual life". Yet, I wouldn’t know where to start! Not with Christianity I suppose (I grew up a Catholic and was fairly interested in these questions as a child, but, like many people, bumped into some of the rigidities of the dogma, and gave up). "Spiritual" books? The closest I have come to spiritual books are some popular self-help books I’ve read, and which have greatly helped me with personal issues, such as Scott Peck’s Road Less Traveled or Steven Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

My personal philosophy is that "we are all One". I seem to have always visualized humanity as a big common root, and every human as a little plant stemming from that root. Seen from above the ground, you see all the little, separated plants, but seen from under the ground, you see this huge common root…

One of the important corollaries of that philosophy is that I have never felt jealous of another human being. I realize that every plant is there to "push the envelope", to explore the space around itself, wherever it finds itself to be, e.g. someone will become a ballet dancer, or a physician, or a top model, etc. I have never wanted to be someone else than who I was, as I have always felt very deeply that "they are me and I am them", i.e. that we are all One. I shared that philosophy with a friend one day, and he told me: "Your philosophy is like that of the Dalai Lama".

One of my main qualities is "intellectual honesty", which I would rather label an insatiable drive towards knowing. Acquiring knowledge, synthesizing knowledge, and sharing knowledge seem to have emerged as my key talents in my professional life. My last boss, when I quit, told me: "You are a Renaissance person". What a compliment! I see my recent career move as a move towards the Truth: I know (from the time when I was researching the subject at MIT) that the Earth is warming up due to rising levels of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere, so, instead of digging my head in the sand like an ostrich, I want to work at uncovering more knowledge about it, and spreading that knowledge wherever it needs to go.

But for now, time to dance and celebrate!

Existential crisis

Letter to my friend Mat:

"I am not being myself, Mat. I am not giving my talents to this world. I am truly unhappy at work and I have always been. I feel guilty all the time yet I don't seem to be able to do anything about it. It makes me feel so bad... I think the little depression I just went through may have happened to show me something there. I am tired of wondering what the hell am I on earth to do, to accomplish, I seem not to see it. Lots of noise from my parents' expectations, from my schools' expectations, from the necessity (that I perceive) of being able to provide for myself, and maybe for a family, i.e. make money, etc, and I have not found my true self.

I need to do some serious personal laundry. I need some guidance. Spiritual, or whatever. I need to take a break and find the flow again and go with it. I am not, I am forcing myself, I am resisting (what?), I am suffering.

(…) Right now I feel that I would like to write (I know, who doesn't?) but no, I would really like to write, I know I have a talent for writing, and a passion for it. But never wrote anything else than letters to my friends and emails... (and work stuff) sounds truly laughable, no?

Why does it seem so hard for me to be in touch with my true self? What is it I am holding to that prevents me from seeing the light? Or am I just dysfunctional, insane, antisocial, or inadapted to society?

Any clue?"

Do what makes you happy

At a conference in Washington, DC, I write the following letter to my boyfriend Richard (Richard and I started dating in March):

"I escaped from the meeting, I don’t feel at ease at all. Yes you are right, I must invent new success criteria for myself as those I was offered don’t seem to fit – making lots of money and having lots of responsibilities; I don’t think it is my thing. I don’t fit in "the mold", I don’t feel like it at all. I feel like being some kind of a "prophet" (see the type of ambition!), no but, seriously, this is more how I see myself. I was thinking about my buddy who is a rabbi – actually I think I would have liked this kind of job, spiritual guide… hmm, this is something I should explore. It is time I started a real introspection, without giving too much weight to my education, others’ expectations, etc. That I concentrate on finding what will make me happy.

When I was at MIT, the speakers at my Commencement were… brothers Click and Clack, local celebrities: they have a radio show on NPR where people call about their car problems and they provide solutions – and it is all very funny. They came right after Bill Clinton, Kofi Annan, etc – so it was a bit of a joke. But both Click and Clack happen to be MIT alumni and their speech was incredibly inspirational, and I think now is the time where I need to draw inspiration from it. They told us their story: after MIT, they became engineers, doing like boring routine jobs, then one day one of them had a bad car accident and almost died and he realized that he was wasting his life doing something he didn’t like. He gave his resignation, and so did his brother, and, their passion being auto mechanics, they started a mechanics shop where people would come, use their tools, and learn how to repair their own cars. Then, one thing leading to another, they became the famous radio stars. That is the story of Click and Clack.

And their quite unusual message to the 2,000 MIT graduates and their families that year: find out what makes you happy, and do it, and do it now, while you're young, don’t procrastinate, etc. So, I need to find my mechanics shop, and hopefully I won’t need to go through a near-death experience for that. But I can feel that the corporate world, etc, is not it.

(…) I am not very creative… but I’m good at expressing others’ ideas. I can pretty much explain anything to anyone. My ex-boyfriend was always telling me: "You are a teacher".  Plus I love this: acquire knowledge and diffuse it. What to do now?

(…) "Things" don't matter to me much. I realize we need them and I'm happy to have them (cars, planes, contact lenses, cell phones) but being part of the big machinery that creates and offers and maintains them is not what I believe I should be doing with my life. Am I wrong and do I need a better brainwashing to become more of a productive element in society? Not rare to hear from others when I tell my story that I am just "a little girl who is never satisfied"! But this is untrue I think.

(…) Bizarre time it feels, floating in limbo..... Who do I want to be? What do I want to achieve in my life?"

Is love fading away... again?

After three blissful months in love with Richard, bliss seems to be fading away, again, escaping us... What is it we are doing wrong? Neither of us seems to know. Panic, sadness... I write to him:

"Everything scares me these days. Do I love you, do you love me? Fear opposes love, I can see this clearly. Fear = paralysis, love = action. I feel paralyzed, everything scares me, I don’t know why. Am I not able to love? Paralyzed by fear, by my lack of optimism? Can we fix this or will you give up first, tired of this immense "drain"? What do you think?

Maybe I should go see a "counselor" to talk about it? To talk about these fears, this confusion? (never done this). I know that a relationship is a "personal growth journey", it sheds light on many things about oneself, etc, it is not necessarily all easy and blissful. How is it that when we want to give the best of who we are to the one we love, it is the worst of ourself that comes out?

What is going on? Why don’t I simply trust you, and myself, to succeeed in this adventure, have a good time, be happy together? Is there a problem between us? An incompatibility? Have your feelings changed now that you know me better? Or mine? How do you see things? Does it scare you, this little low between us?

This distresses me a little. Is it just because I am bored? Actually, negative thoughts are winning over positive thoughts and I feel that this is what I am suffering from. But why?

I feel "high maintenance" for having this kind of feelings – I don’t want to take your time/energy, I would like to bring you only joy and simplify your life – I don’t want to say "you must do this or that for me to be happy", I don’t want to need you to be happy.

Let’s talk about these things. Maybe it is normal to have to talk about these things when we’ve been in a relationship for a few months. Go one step further. What do you expect, what do I expect, what does love mean to you, do you think you can be happy with someone like me, etc, etc. Let's not shy away from sharing our deepest feelings, or we may keep feeling that we are growing apart.

Yes, it may be that I am less "love-skilled" than someone who is less cerebral (this confusion I’m in now for example is symptomatic) and sometimes it seems to me that you and I are trapped in a "feedback loop": the more I doubt the more you doubt, etc. Can we turn the loop the other way: the more I trust our love, the more you trust our love, etc?

(…) I would like to hear what you feel, and if you think that there are things we can do, you, me, or both of us, to destroy these doubts, move forward fearlessly, and reconnect even more strongly. Are fears only on my side? Does this kind of exchange tire you? Do you think things should just happen naturally, without having to discuss? (this is the paradox that haunts me). Do you think it is a woman thing, this emotional instability? (I’m not really used to this, not really used to being a woman in fact).

Just a few thoughts. I think that, like me, you want to have a successful love life – with me or somebody else – so I know that we have the same objectives. I am aware that the image of myself I’ve been projecting, i.e. weakness and doubt, is not very attractive. Probably this is a burden to you, well this is a burden to me also, and I would like to change things, it doesn’t feel like this is the image that I typically project. Life doesn’t scare me, in general. Here, it is as if our nascent love was touching a sensitive spot. Something more difficult, more confusing. Maybe because it suddenly feels all so serious between us while we’re still a bit like teenagers… who knows. Maybe it’s just the way it is and not to worry, there is ebb and flow, there is inhalation and exhalation!

Maybe I need more feedback from you: how to love you better, what do you expect from me, what do you like and don’t you like. The state of doubt in which I am now is destructive: I dare not do, invent, undertake anything, and I think that this lowers your interest for me and creates this negative feedback… I don’t know.

Talking about it with open hearts will maybe help me see more clearly, and feel closer to you. Except if you would prefer not to have this type of discussion. I hope I am not bruising us… The fear again.

I’d like us not to let passion escape. Or is there nothing we can do? I know that it is work, a work of art, to love one another. And I have a tendency to contract into laziness/paralysis, which distresses me greatly.

I love you. Poorly, but I love you ;-)

I know that the response to my doubts is action. We must craft an action plan… Stop talking, start acting…"

Evolution: the missing piece

Richard suggests that I read a book: The Celestine Prophecy. Intrigued by his insistence, I buy it. The cover says: "a book that comes along once in a lifetime to change lives forever", "the book that will come to define our decade", etc. How dramatic! I have never read a book with such endearing appraisals!

I am a little skeptical of course, but start reading it in earnest, and find the first few chapters a little boring, triggering a distinct "but I already know this!" feeling (i.e. I already know that we are all One, that matter can be construed as energy, that time is what you make of it, etc). But it only makes me more impatient to see what's coming next, so I continue reading eagerly.

And upon reaching Chapter 5, "The message of the mystics", everything changes: I know that I am now hitting a piece that was until now missing in my "we are all One philosophy/worldview", a piece that makes it much more complete, and that makes things that did not fit until now, now fit together. It feels like a light has been turned on where earlier there was darkness and confusion. The missing piece: EVOLUTION! In other words (and this is the first time I look at things that way), my "we are all One" philosophy works also through time and -- consequently -- does not stop at the human family: we are all One Big Thing unfolding through time, from matter to life to animal life to human life…

The other thing is that I realize for the first time in my life that the experience described in the book as a "mystic experience" I have actually HAD! When I was 13, at a summer camp in the mountains, I had an experience of indescribably profound bliss/understanding, but, not knowing how to relate to it in my ordinary life, I had sort of put that experience in parentheses to see if it would re-occur (it never really did) or if I would find tools to interpret it (I never sought, not found any... until... today!) I remember distinctly (how could I forget?) how it felt back then, the incredible feeling of bliss and insight, and the supernatural beauty of nature, and this is pretty much how the experience is described in the book!

Somehow everything is starting to make more sense, I feel much closer to "knowing what's going on" than before I opened the book, I am vibrating with excitement!

Oh NO, NOT religion!

Reading the Celestine Prophecy has made me somewhat restless. I write to my friend Sasha from New York, who I suspect is "on to something": last time we met, he was just back from a week-end with, said he, "a very good teacher", and the week-end seemed to have on him an effect similar to that which this book has just had on me now, so I feel I should give it a shot! I understand that by teacher, he means "teacher of life", "wise man", i.e. someone who could somehow help me understand further "what this is all about". I ask him: "So, who is that teacher you mentioned?"

He sends me an internet link. I click on the link and…. What a shock! I think: "Oh NO, NOT religion! This can’t be!" The link points to Lama Ole Nydhal, a Buddhist teacher from Denmark who has greatly contributed to bringing Tibetan Buddhism into the West, by setting up many buddhist centers there. Never did I suspect that his "teacher" would have had anything to do with religion. Moment of panic. So, is this where the "path" leads to then? Religion…? Is this where it all ends up? I am appalled at what is going on, almost ashamed, wish I had not started seeking….

However, I get over my aversion for anything religious, and decide to give it an honest try, as, after all, I know nothing about Buddhism: I order from Amazon the book from Lama Ole Nydhal that he recommends...

Starting the search for knowledge

Now, apart from my friend Sasha who pointed me to Buddhism, I have no idea who to turn to to discuss "these things": to my knowledge, nobody I know knows anything about it!

I find another ally nonetheless: my new friend Fabienne from work. I share with her my newfound excitement and I can see that she totally relates! She knows nothing about Buddhism; her thing is yoga. I start understanding that this "thing" I am excited about is "spirituality", and that yoga and Buddhism are two "spiritual paths", i.e. methods to probe into the great mystery of life… For now, I am very thirsty for knowledge, i.e. books.

I ask her if she has "spiritual" books to recommend. She recommends Hands of Light from Barbara Ann Brennan, a book about Energy Healing, a subject touched upon in The Celestine Prophecy (so… it really exists!) and Thought Power, a manual from Swami Sivananda, the founder of her school of yoga. I get them both right away. She also invites me to do a yoga retreat with her, and I accept!

As you think, so you become

Thought Power could be renamed: The 1,001 ways to say "As you think, so you become" ;-), but the author’s insistence on that one idea actually gives me an incredible insight about what to do next, how to progress on the spiritual path. I must say that until now, my general feeling was that I was a pretty accomplished individual, having excelled in the educational system and being somewhat of a good athlete, i.e., in my words, having "mastered the intellectual and the physical". So it never occurred to me that anything additional was needed, that there really was any way to grow further.

What I realize is that, the same way I have learnt to master my intellectual capabilities in school, and my physical capabilities through exercise, something I need to gain control of (because I can see that I have very little control over it!) is… my thoughts! i.e. what is going on in my head all the time, the little voice in my head saying "this sucks", "I am bored", "this guy is an idiot", "I’m a loser", "Is love fading away?", etc, as I move through life. I realize that, indeed, most of the time I have no control over what is going on in my head! Shattering realization!

I can feel the trailhead is near

The dialogue started with my friend Sasha continues: I ask him questions about his path. He tells me that the path he is following (the Buddhist path) is 3-fold: the goal: "a state of permanent joy in experiencing the world the way it is", the way: "skillful meditations and other methods that allow us to reach the goal", the structure: "the whole body of teachings, vast and profound". He says: "believe me, life is getting happier and more joyful with each passing day - even when I refuse to believe it." He says that I might want to check out the Diamond Way Buddhist Center in San Francisco.

Hmm... the "spiritual path"... It sounds appealing, but what does it really mean for me? I can hardly picture myself meditating every day... How long will it take to get there, even if I start practicing meditation now? 7 years, 12 years? What he says is exciting, but the task of "spiritual growth" seems daunting, somehow reserved to an elite of people with out-of-this-world strong will power...

Also, I feel that I cannot wait that long! My restlessness is reaching an all-time high, and I decide to throw all my pressing existential questions on a carefully crafted email that I send him, hoping to get an answer:

"Tell me what really matters to you
Tell me what you consider important
Tell me if there is a goal besides experiencing the joy in experiencing the world the way it is - or if this IS the goal
Tell me if there is an "evolutionary" goal (bringing the Universe to some place it IS NOT yet - did you catch a glimpse of where?) and if you know what the role of Humanity in this evolutionary goal is - and what your role is
Tell me if I should look for my role in this goal (looks like your answer might be no there isn't any, or it is not our prerogative to take any role in this)
Then tell me what use you (will) do of the energy of the Universe that you are generating/holding
Tell me what the humanistic perspective of the teachings is
Tell me what the infinite potential you are talking about is
And how does it unfold through you?
And how does it unfold through me?
And how does it unfold through Humanity?

I quite agree that difficulties, confusion, mal de vivre etc are an energy booster, that they are my friends, and I welcome them as such (see, it makes me reach out and push doors open!). I accept it all, I accept all that has befallen to me since I was born - my family, my experiences, my health, my finiteness, my petty achievements, etc. I see I am a tiny part of the big Whole, and that you are me and I am you because there is only one thing.

I want to know what to DO with all this, all this endowment + past path of mine, what the piece of the Universe that I am is supposed to bring back to the Whole. I suppose with peace of mind and more rigorous learning I will find out. I was curious to know if you have. I will be restless until I do. It is very GOOD to hear about your path.

Thank you so much for sharing with me. I am looking forward to following the joyful path of learning and finding things out!

I will first read Lama Ole’s book and then go to the Diamond Way center in San Francisco. I am also starting to explore yoga more seriously (encountered Sivananda yoga, a quite "holistic" school of yoga, if you've heard of it, at the very least the breathing and asanas are doing wonders with my marathon training!)

At least I am on the move again, I can feel the trailhead is near...!"

The Way Things Are

I receive that Buddhist book The Way Things Are and start reading it. What a surprise! It does not feel "religious" at all (from my early memories of Catholicism). On the contrary, it reads like a guide on how to live a more harmonious, more joyous life! Pretty much everything sounds reasonable, and, in fact, it spells out my personal secret wisdom (e.g. "we are all One", what you see is what you are, etc) but goes much further and deeper.

I am quite stunned that what is written in this book resonates so easily with me while I HAVE NEVER HAD ACCESS TO SUCH KNOWLEDGE (despite pretty extensive schooling)!! But it maybe that, if you had told me a year ago to read a Buddhist book, I would have yawned... I start wondering why these kinds of things are not taught in school, or by our parents, and start realizing that there must be a vast expanse of such knowledge already written that I have not accessed yet...

The 3 ways to deal with disturbing emotions

One piece that I really find useful and insightful in The Way Things Are (bullets are mine):

"How to deal with disturbing emotions? Buddha advises a concerted three-step attack on this imaginary but tough enemy.

• First, one should avoid circumstances known to bring about unwanted feelings.
• If that is not possible, one is wise to focus on their impermanent condition and changing nature: as a certain disturbing mental state was not present earlier and will soon be gone again, it would be nonsense to act it out, thus laying the seeds for future trouble.
• The highest level is not giving power to unwanted feelings by "letting the thief come into an empty house". Here, one stays strictly with what is in front of one’s nose and neither acknowledges nor identifies with any disturbance. As this succeeds, one realizes, ever more consciously and with growing amazement and joy, that painful mind-states do not just vanish into nothingness but actually reappear (…) as insights beyond ego."

We are what we think

As I truly enjoyed The Way Things Are, I buy Teachings of the Buddha for another dose of Buddhist wisdom. Buddha seems to concur with Sivananda. He writes:

"We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts we make the world.
Speak or act with an impure mind
And trouble will follow you
As the wheel follows the ox that draws the cart.

We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts we make the world.
Speak or act with a pure mind
And happiness will follow you
As your shadow, unshakable."

On the mountaintop

Last Saturday, I went through what can be called a "mystical experience", i.e. I found myself in an unspeakable, never-explored-before state of consciousness best described as absolute ecstasy coupled with absolute knowledge. I felt I was "sitting on God’s lap" for a few hours. I could see the whole universe and the beginning of times and the end of times and the smallness of my own life in the middle of it, and I was laughing, laughing at it (inside), at all the petty concerns that I had busied my consciousness with so many times: money, resentment, calculating… I was laughing so hard! Useless to say all the answers to my existential questions came to me, and much, much more…

I "came down from the mountaintop" knowing that I would never, after this episode of transcendence, be the same again… that I would from now on dedicate my life to climbing that mountain again, or at least heading resolutely towards the top! It feels like life is starting anew... Here is some significantly toned-down email to my friend Sasha trying to describe "reasonably", i.e. without sounding absolutely insane, the experience and its impact on me:

"I was like thrown into the "other world" seeing "this world", like I threw myself in the dual universe to solve problems that cannot be solved in the original universe. It was truly incredible and I am going to devote some time now to analyze this experience and draw whatever I can from this trip in the dual universe to help me with my trip in this visible universe... (like I understand now that my trip here in the material world is just instrumental to helping with the reality of that world made of energy and thoughts) I don't have the words to talk about these things (I need to learn), and the words I choose may sound tacky to you, but I believe that I am on a similar path that you have been on, wanting to now focus on pursuing my journey there (the spiritual world? or whatever you call it) after what I know was just a peek into that world. I want to be more in touch with that world in my life here, and I know that it is in/around me. (…)

This experience made profound changes in me, it is quite incredible. What I saw was so beautiful that I am back in "this" life with an incredible energy and appetite for life. Any feeling of scarcity of time or other limitation that I generally set for myself is gone. I feel I can accomplish about as much as I desire. (…) I feel I can make an impact, change the world, I feel every time I give energy to the world it goes out in waves and transforms it... it is absolutely incredible. Seeing eternity has given me (i.e. the instance of Being that I am, here and now) an amazing boost of energy to accomplish great things in my "mortal", finite life here, to live every minute like it could be the last, like it truly matters (I could SEE how everything you do matters). Oh my god. So much bliss. Makes me want to study, study, and live, and prolong this bliss into my life... (…) Right now a lot to process and modify! (make the changes truly effective in my life). (…)

A couple of insights I gained from the experience and am bringing into my everyday life:

• Full awareness of what my "sphere of responsibility" (or action) is: what it is I can act upon, what it is I cannot. Double freedom: whatever I say or do is of utmost importance (taking responsibility) / whatever happens to me (health, money, speeding ticket) is of no importance.
• Major side effect: got rid of the heavy burden of being concerned by things I cannot change.
• Corollary: freed up my memory big time! For the first time in years, direct access to lots of old memories. I do not complain from memory loss anymore (I had for a while). Joy of digging into tons of old memories, whenever I want.
• Corollary of the corollary: my life is coherent again. I see the path I created for myself through every mini-decision I've ever made. I see the logic, I understand what I am about, my history. I now have guidance as to what I'll do next. I am whole again (vs. some incoherent sum of moments).
• Other incredible side effect: no more fear. Fear (of everything, especially small things) is gradually receding in my life. Feel so incredibly light and free! (…)
• Clarity... clarity of mind, clarity of purpose. It's LITERALLY like getting out of a very foggy patch.
• I am the "CEO" of every project I undertake or carry out.... indeed...who else?
• I realize the incredible potential for action I have in my little sphere of action... I realize everything I say or do potentially has tremendous consequences. I have gotten rid of all the barriers I had set to myself (money, etc)...

OK - just a couple of things I wanted to share with you (there's much, much more!!). (…) Realizing that we are an instance of the infinite Being bounded by the parameters of our finite living-on-earth... aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

An infinite ocean of freedom and possibilities

A couple of days ago, I sent an email to my cousin Francois back in Paris, to share with him the incredible experience I just had. His response has an interesting Orwellian slant to it: progress and industry are evil, man has subdued to machines and order, nothing is sacred anymore, violence is our only way forward (to tear down materialism, consumerism and capitalism). He says: "how could you think of your after-death when all is matter, that you mold according to your desires?" He concludes though: "what we need [to solve the global warming problem, etc] is to believe in it, what we need is more sacredness". I continue with my "just back from the mountaintop" style:

"I don’t understand all of what you say. I do not understand violence. My thirst for the absolute is naturally quenched in my spiritual life (I am just at the beginning of the trail but I clearly see the light).

As I said, there are two "dual" worlds: the material/mortal world, and the spiritual/infinite world. In the former we take the form of separate individuals, in the latter we are a collective consciousness. The two worlds are dual, i.e. they are just two ways to look at the same thing – one is not more valid than the other one as they are one. But some problems you cannot solve in one you can go solve in the other one (like in mathematics), hence the handiness of having access to both. I think this is what the Buddhists are after (as well as other yogis and religious people). This is what I am after now. Life "here" is not of much interest if one does not understand life "there" (as we have this unquenched thirst) and I think that life "there" is not of great interest without life "here" in the material world: it actually explains why and how much every little thing "here" so profoundly matters. Each one of these "worlds" gives meaning to the "other". What peace one feels in this world when one is familiar with that world! And how everything, all of a sudden, makes sense! It’s as if life was finally taking on depth, meaning, colors. Huge.

There is no after-my-death: there is the mortal/temporal world in which I exist for a finite time (70 years?) and the spiritual/infinite world in which I’ve always existed and will always exist, as part of the "big all", of the timeless and infinite consciousness. I don’t have the words yet – actually what I want is learn to express all this in a way that people who are not familiar with that world can understand, i.e. using words from this world. I’d like to start by helping people ask the right questions.

Now I know there is an answer. I live much better since :-). It eliminates fear, gives courage. I feel I do not fear anything anymore (why fear?), I am learning to detach from things that seemed so important. Immense joy!

I try to avoid words like "moral", "sacred", "values". These words have no meaning for me – they lead to discord. These things are extremely subjective, i.e. they don’t correspond to the reality that I perceive that we are all one and the same thing…

Global warming is no drama – the same way having a cancer is no drama. The solar system, the earth, humans: all that is material is mortal. We accept this. Now we feel that it is good to have a longer life and we aim for this. In the same way, humanity is slowly awakening and will take care of the problem of atmospheric emissions… the collective survival instinct. I am not worried, in fact (given that the earth will disappear, like we and our children will). I sense a duty for me to contribute to raise people’s awareness about that problem. I love that problem because it is so vast, so global. It is a good topic to engage and make people thing about the cause and effect concept, etc. Everything is cause and effect.   

True, you have to believe in it. Every negative thought turns into negative action (or lack of action). Negative thought serve no purpose. EVER. If you believe in something, in general, that thing gets realized. If we believe strongly enough that we will stabilize the climate, we will manage. This is how it works. This is how EVERYTHING works. One must learn to master one’s own thoughts. Like one masters one’s body or one’s reasoning faculties. This is what I’m striving to do now. It is fascinating learning! It opens an infinite ocean of freedom and possibilities."

Can't you see the fantastic evolution of Life?

Francois replies to my exalted email. First, he says that what he calls sacred is what I call spiritual, so, says he, we are talking about the same thing here. Then, he goes on to say that I perceive what I perceive (i.e. that we are all one) only because I am white and rich. That, if I were poor and black, I wouldn’t, I just couldn’t perceive that. He goes on to say that, when humanity’s survival instinct wakes up (like I suggested in my email to him), it generally does so in violence (in the good French tradition, he envisions a revolution that will put an end to the materialistic/consumerist world). My reply:

"Yes, I know that you and I are talking about the same thing, when you say "sacred" and I say "spiritual", but beware of the word "sacred" as it carries some connotations that may not correspond to what you are trying to say (e.g. religious, dark ages, etc). I am studying also to acquire a good vocabulary and stay away from shaky concepts.

I think that material progress does not drive a recession of Spirit, but rather the opposite. I would not have such an intense spiritual life if I had to constantly worry about my next meal, or about such and such infection that wouldn’t heal if I didn’t have health care. Or, simply, if I did not have money to take off to nature and enjoy a "mystical experience"!

I do not see anything of what you describe. In fact, it is in you, it is you who conveys these ideas, this pessimistic worldview. You could as well have an optimistic discourse, and look at the positive. Why don’t you do it? Why don’t you try to identify the areas where YOU can take action? What is the point of manipulating big words, big concepts (e.g. "the receding of democracy"), if they don’t empower you to act? The receding of hope and the rising of cynicism, these I can see in your email – and not really elsewhere. You do NOT have faith (you think that everything is getting worse than it used to be), you do not see the fantastic evolution of living energy, of this collective consciousness I was telling you about – how can you act without this faith?

Why does material progress bother you? It frees, it alleviates suffering, it brings us closer to the spiritual – this is how I see it. Like everything else, it is what you want to make of it. Why always protesting, resisting, refusing what IS? This is the lesson of Buddhism: accept the world the way it is, the first step towards "enlightenment". The way things are. It serves no purpose to constantly reject what IS. You cannot move forward. One day, you will realize how much time you lost by not accepting the world the way it is. This is a premise to action.

Once again, this despair you talk about, you carry it in you. Probably it has been imputed to you, but you carry it in you. I don’t. (…) Every human being (including the poor and the blacks), has in herself the capacity to understand that other people’s judgments have no value. The "caste-system" view you portray, I don’t have it, I don’t carry it in me. It is not because I am white and not poor. It is because I am in touch with this collective consciousness – I am strong inside, and I know that you and I and whoever are instances of the same thing, that we are one. I do not struggle against others. Once again, don’t project onto others (e.g. black, or poor people) your personal battles. They probably don’t apply, the same way as, when you were telling me that developing countries don’t want greenhouse gas emissions trading, it was, simply, incorrect. I have friends of all colors and of all means: none of them seems to see the world the way you see it. (…) My friends of color accept the world the way it is – i.e. that, if they happen to belong to what is perceived as a "minority", here or there, at some point in time, they might need to deploy an extra effort to be acknowledged by the majority (…). One must play with the cards that are in their hands, in this instance of life on earth. One, simply, does not have a choice in the matter.

No, that we are all one is not a perception (lots of things are a perception, such as the color of my skin), it is the reality. The basis, in other words.

Don’t you have metaphysical questions? Who am I, why am I, etc? Not me. Not anymore. And I’m not the only one! I am meeting more and more people who feel the same way. Everyday, I discover a bit more of the joy of living in this world during the few years that we are to live in it… I marvel at it a little more every day."

You can gear the future in the right direction only if you believe that there is any

In response to my email, Francois asks: "what violence?" (Apparently, he has not realized that it is he who brought the word "violence" into our conversation). He also continues painting a gloomy caricature of our industrial civilization, saying "chidren nowadays just know frozen fried chicken sticks, they have never seen a chicken alive", etc. My reply:

"You had brought up violence in your email. Violence is something I am not interested in. I don’t have it in me.

What is this caricature of industrial life that you are painting? Do you know people who work in the industry? Why make this parody, this caricature? You remind me of a Charlie Chaplin movie. What is the point spitting on the food you buy? Go live in the countryside and grow your own vegetables, if it will make you happier!

People who work in the industry are heartless monsters who only think about their profits, this is a well-known fact… Why do you carry in yourself so much hatred towards those who strive to build the economy, to be of service to society by producing the goods that she needs? Why are you angry about this natural fact that it is easier for a society to share its tasks (economies of scale), rather than everyone doing everything for themselves? This is actually a measure of the STRENGTH of a society (or a group, or a couple). Why is it bad? Why are you upset at this world which is ours, which is the only one there is? Why, once again, do you refuse reality? (…)

If man had not burnt down the first tree to warm himself up, humanity would probably not have survived very long. That’s THE WAY IT IS – it is evolution. Why negate 2 million years of human history? What do you think is the point of criticizing the evolution of our species? You cannot change anything to the past, and you can gear the future in the right direction only if you believe that there is any. Here, all you do is convey cynicism, violence and rage. I wonder where you picked this all up!"

Is life less spiritual than it used to be?

Continuing our email dialogue, Francois now tells me how life was more spiritual in the past, citing a book he read on traditional people – how the very act of hunting for food was "spiritual" for them, and how, in addition, they did other "spiritual" activities like painting, etc (while all we do now is spend all our time seeking to accumulate money).

"Food is not the only thing! Our traditional friends don’t have physicians, nor do they have vacation, possibility to travel, to study, etc. I imagine that they can’t read (no teachers).

Hmm.

Spirit is present in every act of your life IF YOU SO DESIRE. It is a matter of personal choice. Spirit is present in every act of my life now. Except that my life is not about fishing, but about managing research programs on Climate Change.

I don’t see what makes you think that their life is more spiritual than mine, for example. It is a judgment that you make (of them and of me, or of your contemporaries) – by projecting your personal fantasy of a life close to nature, etc.

It is up to each one of us to make every act a spiritual act. It is the choice I’m making now. And my life has acquired since I’ve made this choice an extraordinary intensity. Also, I have not spent a single minute of my life seeking to accumulate money – and I know that the chicken that I eat has been alive. I actually now eat as little meat as possible. Also, I chant, I contemplate nature, I read, I do yoga, I meditate.

My life is very "spiritual". At the same time, I gladly benefit from the material progress that my fellow men have set in motion to give me a better life (longer life span, more leisure time, less pain, etc).

You? Is your life not as spiritual as you would like?"

More rage against the machine

Francois replies to my email. I reproduce here a few of his comments, and my replies to them:

Francois: "I am not angry at industrialists, nor do I accuse them of seeking only profits. On the other hand, if you can’t see the folly of our agricultural policies, you are blind. Same if you can’t see the non-sense of the hedonist quest. Our societies are collapsing under their material goods. For example, there are more and more obese people."

My reply: "I do not collapse under the weight of material goods. I am not obese. Neither are you. I am sure that, like me, you do not know many obese people, nor do you know many people who are collapsing under material goods. What society are you talking about? Not the one I know, not the one I live in.

I am not disgusted by my fellow men the way you seem to be. I am not indignant at other people’s choices. The "hedonist quest" is not a non-sense in my view: it is the free choice of some people, and it doesn’t bother me. It is not my choice. I fundamentally believe in everybody’s freedom to explore the corner of the universe that they desire. And I am part of this exploration, given that I am part of this humanity which is One, of this collective consciousness.

I do not see the "folly of our agricultural policies". I do not have the means to judge, so I don’t judge. I trust my fellow men. I know by experience that most people do "the right thing". All the people I know do "the right thing", given what they know. I believe that people who administer agriculture do this also. And if everything is not perfect… nothing is ever perfect. I know that it is useless to comment, judge, badmouth, when we don’t have the power to change things. I know what my sphere of action is, what is inside of it and what is outside of it. I deal only with what is inside. French agricultural policy isn’t inside. But an enormous amount of things are: I know how easy it is to trigger change, or have an impact, in the groups or organizations I am a part of."

Francois: "Children in our schools have never seen a live animal. (…) We are less and less in touch with life."

My reply: "This is a judgment… again, who is this "we"? I am very much in touch with life. I do not understand what you are saying. I do not think that there is a single kid in France who has never seen a live animal. Once again, I don’t understand this caricature you paint of your fellow men. What I read here is a discomfort IN YOURSELF. While you busy yourself being indignant OF OTHERS, maybe you’re not spending the time taking an interest IN YOURSELF: who are you, what do YOU bring to humanity, etc. This obsession of saying that others are doing everything wrong sounds like an escape… what if others were NOT doing everything wrong? Have you ever considered this possibility?"

Now Francois, as a response to my statement that "you cannot change anything to the past, and you can gear the future in the right direction only if you believe that there is any", replies: "But there is no direction. Why believe that there is one? There is where we want and can go. Where do we want to go?"

My reply: "I do not ask myself that particular metaphysical question anymore because I now know where I want and can go, and where I can lead my fellow men (it is easy as soon as you look inside yourself – if only a little), while I am not responsible for "where the world is going" given that it is outside my sphere of responsibility. The sum of every individual movement creates the direction of the whole, but the only thing upon which you have any power is your individual movement – and nothing more. When you understand this, you can start living and ACTING at last. You can free yourself of 90% of the burden that habitually prevents you from acting, and start at last to really move forward… This is my experience. My life has acquired a whole new intensity ever since I made this discovery."

The work is within yourself and nowhere else

As an astute twist in the dialogue we started a few days ago, Francois recommends that I read Tony Robbins (it shows that he somehow got the hint that I was trying to give him that the work is within oneself and nowhere else). I send him the link to this great interview of Tony Robbins that I found. A few excerpts (Tony speaking):

"Life's greatest rewards are reserved for those who demonstrate a never-ending commitment to act until they achieve. As simplistic as this may sound, it is still the common denominator separating those who live their dreams from those who live in regret."

"Ultimately, the only way to be fulfilled is to constantly grow and to contribute in a meaningful way to other people, to the world. And in order to grow, all of us have to be willing to let go of our fear and let go of who we are, and we've got to set standards and we've got to challenge ourselves. What makes people leaders in life is their willingness to say, "Raise your standard. Demand more from yourself." That's what all leaders of any sort do: They call people to a higher standard. I think that causes people to grow. And we must grow. (…) If you don't feel like you're growing, even if millions of people love you, you've got nothing. (…) You're either growing or dying—there's no in-between."

"Growth does not come from having an intellectual discussion with yourself. Growth only comes when you transform. And you must take that growth and convert that to something meaningful so that the world becomes better, so that the heaven on earth that we were talking about earlier actually becomes a possible reality—and I think it ultimately will. It already is for many people. It's just a matter of making your peer group become humanity instead of your peer group being a small number of people that you have influence over or impact on in your lifetime."

"I believe that ultimately my life is guided, but I also believe that along the way, I have a conscious choice whether to listen to that inner guidance or not. And if I listen to it, then my life turns out very differently than if I don't. And knowing when it's really your inner guidance and when it's your fear speaking is very important."

"When I'm being my spiritual best, I don't know what's happening. It's just coming through me. I put myself in a place. I ask for guidance. I pray and then I trust that it's there and it shows up."

"I believe the ultimate path to enlightenment is the cultivation of gratitude. Because in a state of gratitude, real gratitude, deep spiritual, emotional, physical and definitely soul-level appreciation, there is no fear."

"I think that anything we can do to more thoroughly understand how we function as human beings, what really drives us, and how we can utilize that understanding to be better human beings and better spiritual beings, is definitely a part of our evolution. And I think it has to happen rapidly because our technology is multiplying in its capacity and its strength and its diversity more rapidly than our technology for the management of human emotion, which is what drives all human action. And I think that's the part that has to be focused on. We need to develop the emotional and spiritual muscles to deal with whatever challenges show up."

En route to Burning Man!

I am about to join 30,000 people out in the Nevada desert for Burning Man, "an annual experiment in temporary community dedicated to radical self-expression and radical self-reliance". I am still at work while my friends have already left to set up our camp there. I’m flying there tomorrow. And, of course, in the meantime, I cannot work at all: all I do is surf Burning Man website and discussion board.

My heart is thumping in my chest in expectation, this is probably the most intense feeling of the sort that I have ever experienced… in my whole life! Quite incredible. I know that this will be a life-changing experience. I have spent the past few week-ends and evenings helping my friend Mat and others of my Burning Man campmates build the House of Folly, a two-story pagoda-style house/temple that will serve as accommodation for us there, as well as as a comfortable lounging area for the community.

Back from Burning Man

I am back from Burning Man. Wooh! What a trip! I feel about 5 years older than I was a week ago. Another whole layer of personal growth, a deluge of realizations about who I am, all stacked up in a few days’ time. Burning Man. 30,000 people coming together to co-create the ideal conditions for enjoying a joint peak experience, an experience that imprints in your body, mind and soul a whole new idea of the heights of the experience of being human.

Take 30,000 people. Bring them in the desert, a hundred miles away from the next city. Remove all the things in life that, at times, separate one from joy: cars, money, buying and selling, stiff ideas about what life is about, etc. Have each of them bring with him/her the best of what they want to offer to others: art, music, food, drinks, parties, games, colors, kindness, fun, etc. And get a true taste of heaven on earth. This is Burning Man.

In addition to what seemed like an uninterrupted stream of personal realizations about the great mystery of life, I was also blessed with another major "mystical episode" there, somehow even stronger than the last one. Woosh – how strong that was! I cannot put into words, and won’t try to. But the whole Burning Man experience is, in a way, nothing less than a mystic experience: a real-life experience in realizing our fundamental connectedness to each other, the impermanence of all things physical, and the law of cause and effect that rules the manifested world. I won’t say much more – words will fall short no matter how hard I try. Just come and experience for yourself!

In the meantime, you may want to check out the Burning Man website (e.g. check out the pictures!) and maybe you will get the beginning of an idea of what it is. But don’t, please don’t, try to fit it in any pre-conceived notion you have of what it could be! It is NOT like anything you have ever experienced or even heard of. You may also try to connect with your local Burning community.

I told my parents on the phone today: "Burning Man is the edge of evolution".

House of Folly!

  And what a surprise: while I was away at Burning Man, I made the cover of the local newspaper!

Here is the associated article (interview of my friend Mat). Also, here’s a pic of me at the event setting up the Folly!

It's over

My boyfriend Richard just left me. Things had been going South between us for the past few months, to our joint dismay – as we seemed so "made for each other" on paper. But we were never able to reverse the downward spiral that we started to spot back in May, and our love slowly dwindled. "We are like oil and water", he writes. We don’t seem to mix well.

I know very well that things were not working between us, so I accept the break as something that needed to happen. I’m not the kind of person to cling to some illusory romance. Some kind of break was needed.

Nonetheless, Richard is the person closest to me right now, and I hope and assume that we will stay friends, that we will stay close. He is on the same page, it seems…

First meditation: it works!

In New York City for the marathon that I am not able to run because of a stress fracture, I seek advice from my friend Sasha, who earlier pointed me towards Buddhism. I ask him: "So, does meditation really work?" He tells me: "Well, why don’t you try? Do this: sit with your back straight, close your eyes, and start breathing focusing on your breath. You may want to count your breaths: 21, 20, 19, etc, to 1."

In the flight back to San Francisco, I take a leap of faith and decide to give it a try. I close my eyes and start watching my breath and counting... And surprise: it works! It is subtle; I can tell it is a whole different world… I feel that meditation induces a mild "altered state of consciousness" that reminds me of my trip to the mountain top, as it also induces clarity and well-being… I understand that this is a step in the right direction, and that meditation is my surest ally if I want to reach the mountain top again… or at least move upwards.

Tony Robbins

In addition to getting started with meditation, I also actually followed my cousin’s advice and read Tony Robbins’ Awaken the Giant Within, as I know that, in essence, Robbins does the same job as spiritual teachers do: help people know themselves better and grow into their full potential as a human being. I shared this finding with my Buddhist friend Sasha, but he replied that serious meditative practice is the only way to transform oneself. Hmm… Is it? My reply:

"One more word about Robbins: the reason I think it is of interest is that – and maybe it's just me – I believe it is important to fully understand some of the paths towards a joyful and fulfilled life taken by people in our culture – as it can help us communicate more effectively with our peers...

I do believe like you do that a spiritual practice, like some of the things we are exploring, is one of the most powerful tools out there. Robbins doesn't really talk about it – although some of the visualizations he talks about are somewhat comparable to meditation. It is actually funny to see how there is no spiritual thread to what he talks about, yet, without a doubt – Buddhist teachers and Robbins are talking about the same thing.

What Robbins says (about pleasure/pain, energy, beliefs, states of mind, identity, etc) is already a stretch to many (I learnt a lot of good stuff!!) – but his language is understandable to all, while some of the Buddhist/Eastern stuff may sound esoteric to some – I for example already encounter a number of strong, bizarre reactions when I drop the word Buddhist at some friend's gatherings!

I recognize that Tony provides no real tool if you do not commit to his methods (no transcendence aspect) but
- what he talks about IS enlightenment, awakening
- he HAS helped many, undeniably, awaken.
Therefore, he IS a spiritual teacher, one that points to your Self."

After I put the book down (and because I did not, in fact, commit to his methods, while I know he offers workshops, tapes, etc, to practice them), there is, in fact and indeed, not much else remaining in me besides the sweet memory of the high that reading the book created. Practice is the key, I know…

First visit to a Buddhist meditation center

I just went for the first time to the Diamond Way meditation center to take part in their regular guided meditation. Hmm, what to think of it? Of course, nothing "extraordinary" happened... (how can I not compare with my own recent peak experiences, last July and August?)

My friend Sasha recommends that I attended a meditation retreat with Lama Ole Nydhal, to get another true taste of the mountaintop… I register to one in April in San Francisco, and one in May in Texas.

Fear

Email to Sasha:

"I fear sometimes that this is taking me away from my "normal" life, or, say, the way I thought my life was going to be (despite the lack of clarity of it all). Things like visions I had that I should dedicate my life to helping others, etc. It SCARES me (I believe for example that it may help explain my recent break-up: I once had the strong vision, that I shared with him, that I was not in this life to bear children). It just is, but it is all scary in a way, like sometimes I would like to not look at the light, to not follow the path… To go back...? but it's one-way, right...? I can see that. So it's only fear... but maybe it is holding me back a little. Like I wanted to know my "calling" in life, but the more it seems to disclose itself to me, the more I want to close my eyes... there is a bit of that.

I know the things I am discovering make a lot of sense, it makes everything fit, as you put it, etc. It is not really possible to go back and erase this knowledge from me now. I am just wondering why we are not more people to share these things (and probably it's because I'm just "joining in" so I don't know many people) and I can see that I have a large part of responsibility in this, in sharing with others. I see the path has the potential to be hard... and I wish I had a companion sometimes...

I was sharing with you what I guess I should interpret as growing pains... Sometimes disbelief, questioning, sometimes just fear. Sometimes wondering if it is not just a construction of our minds.... do you ever have such doubts? Do you have, or have you had, "growing pains"?

Maybe it will go away when I get the regular connection from meditating... Guess it's a whole process I'm just starting and all of this is just legitimate. I feel it's worth it anyway, cause being in the dark was painful also (but being a child has its good moments!).

As you put once, once you've seen the ocean, when you're back in the forest, you find the river and start walking..."

The dark night of the soul

In Milan for a conference, I fall into a state of depression, triggered by my ex-boyfriend Richard having in effect almost stopped communicating with me, while I thought we would instead stay close friends after the break-up. Letter to my friend Kathrin:

"Bad news, I am TOTALLY depressed again today. Lonely, I slept most of today (i.e. didn't prepare my presentation, didn't go to the conference), feel like crying anytime something goes slightly wrong. No joy, no energy, no hope. (...)

Also because of Richard. He sent me a one-liner telling me he was busy and didn't have time to read my email. I sent him another one... but I PROMISE this is the last one on the topic. I've said the same thing 3 times, there is no point ever telling this again. I need to just endure the suffering. And stop this contraction on him that is killing me.

Don't be too harsh on me. I am depressed now - like you were after you moved to Paris. It's been 2-3 weeks now, or even more and I was in denial, i.e. it is no small thing. A typical post-beak-up depression. Which could have been avoided if Richard was behaving lovingly but he isn't and I need to accept it, i.e. go through the pain. I can't believe it, I seemed to be on such a happy groove for months. I feel shame, and disbelief."

Email to Richard, from Milan (our communication is mostly one-way now):

"What happens is I am going through a depression now. It's been 2-3 weeks now so I guess it can be called that. The D-word you seem to never have encountered. But you have probably heard that it happens to the best of us, that it is a disease, like a flu. 

Depression is a general state of unhappiness that affects all areas of our lives. They are commonly triggered by events: typically, death, divorce, job loss, break-up. My depression happens to be triggered by your "lack of care" - i.e. it would have been avoided had you been more skillful at figuring out how to care for me at this time (but I know it is not your "fault"! there is no fault here, just my disease). It is not caused by the break-up itself, I know as well as you do that things were not working between us. I accept this fact. (…)

I was trying to let you know this so that maybe you could change your behavior to help me (like I am asking all my friends now to be gentle with me because I am depressed).

It is not happening, for some reason (guess when we were together we had smaller versions of it happening - you had no clue what to do when I felt "down") so I know I need to just go through the suffering and wait until it goes away, courageously, on my own. It is hard to live in constant pain. Again, you could have greatly helped, and I wanted to guide you, but I suppose it turned you off. I apologize for all this.

I am sharing this with you because depression is something real and objective that maybe you will encounter again in your life - not in yourself probably, but maybe in loved ones. I wish it did not exist.

I don't know how long it will last. Not too long, hopefully, so I can be my full self again.

With enduring affection and fond memories,

Annelene (or the little that is left of her at this time)."

Depression is your friend

Kathrin replies to my email where I shared with her that I am depressed, reminding me that I know that this depression is not real, that it is just my thoughts that are doing that to me because I haven't learnt to control them yet. We both start realizing that it is not about knowing wisdom, it is about living the wisdom you know... I reply:

"Food for thought indeed, this knowing-everything-about-delusion-but-still-deluding-myself-like-crazy. I guess it really IS chemical which really questions our handle on these things. Our brain knows, but still derails.

I feel much better today though (although not happy to see people and go to that conference, super low in energy, especially work energy) - yes my work has a lot to do with feeling depressed. Richard's attitude is just the trigger.

But I know, it will make me laugh soon that I depressed over losing him. Like I could laugh now about depressing about losing B. years ago. But see, it's not about losing them that I got depressed, it's about losing very abruptly a very strong emotional connection. It all goes well when it goes smoothly...

Buddhists say: depression is your friend, sadness is your friend, etc – that you LEARN from all these negative states. That the more states you visit, the better you understand yourself/humanity. But you need to keep the attitude of an observer: I see that there is sadness, I see that there is depression. The key is to not get too involved with it. Not easy as far as I can tell".

Seeking help

I don’t seem to get over the pain of my ex Richard refusing to communicate with me. Every morning, I wake up wishing I hadn’t so that I wouldn’t feel that unbearable pain. It comes and goes, but every morning for the past 6 weeks or so I have woken up to that pain, and I don’t see any end in sight. Again and again, I find myself crying on my bed for hours, feeling lost and miserable. It has also taken a visible toll on all areas of my life (e.g. some of my closest friends are starting to get tired of hearing me talk about Richard all the time). This has turned into an obsession, a distinct, chronic "sickness".

This morning, after a few hours spent crying on my bed yet again, I realize that there is probably nothing to lose from dialing the phone number that a friend has had the bright idea to stick into my reluctant hand a couple of weeks ago (I guess, after I had rambled about Richard for an hour or two): that of her therapist Roslyn. For the first time in my life, I feel that it might be OK to go seek help, i.e. pay someone to share my sorrow with, and see if it brings me any comfort.

I have never seen a psychotherapist before, as I felt that these must be for sissies, weaklings, but certainly not for the healthy, stable and strong me. I know that it has helped some friends of mine get over depression, though, so there might be something to it. Although I am highly skeptical that this will help me in any way, I feel better already from calling her.

Intermittence

My friends Sasha asks me where I’m at with my search. I reply:

"My search is unfortunately intermittent. I've been distracted by my attachment to my connection with my ex-boyfriend, of which he's been pulling out and I've been busy (silly me) resisting it. I’m learning through the process about the very subjects of my attachements...

A few meetings with other people on the way every now and then (more and more), always truly inspiring (eye contact is already like fuel), more doors into the San Francisco underground scene (which is quite "spiritually aware"), little meditation practice unfortunately (I really have been distracted with this ex-boyfriend thing, depression and stuff: the West Coast has also made me indulge more in exploring my emotional side! ;-)), a fair amount of reading though. But I know practice is the chore.

I am very much looking forward to the Texas retreat in May." (Sasha got me all psyched with meditation and Buddhism, and I signed up for two retreats with Lama Ole Nydhal: one in San Francisco in April, and one in Texas in May)

Coming out

Well, I guess seeking professional help has borne fruits… After just a few minutes of sitting with my counselor Roslyn, I knew that my "depression" was already a thing of the past. My two first sessions with her have had an incredible impact on me, made me feel amazing, in charge, etc. I cannot believe that I haven’t gone earlier, and that I have never sought help before!

Tonight, I went to see her for the third time (I am leaving tomorrow morning for a 10-day trip to Guatemala). I told her that, this time, I would like to talk, not about Richard, but about me, what I am going to do with my life, etc. I’ve been having the distinct feeling that my depression over Richard was the tree hiding the forest – that the real issue was not my relationship with him, but my relationship with myself. 

So I start talking about myself, what I would like to do with my life, etc… And I realize it is actually the first time I ever do so! So, for the first time ever in my life, I hear myself say who I am, I hear myself say "I want to be a spiritual teacher or something like that, help people get on with life". Me, a spiritual teacher! Waoh. This is quite a shock. For the first time tonight I feel I know who I really am.

She tells me: "You do what you can until you know your destiny" (from the movie The Last Samurai that she just saw).

I am in an incredible state of clarity and bliss after that session with Roslyn, something akin to a mild mystical state... I share my feelings with Richard in an email (as I am still hooked to writing to him ;-)):

"I just spent 75 sublime minutes with Roslyn. I think those are the best-spent $150 in my life ;-). I feel like sharing this with you, if this is OK…

To summarize, CLARITY! I realize that my attraction to "the spiritual life" is legitimate, real, powerful: it is in fact my passion. For the first time in my life, I have discovered my passion! Something that pulls me, attracts me, leads me… I must stop resisting, this is me!

It is NORMAL that I don’t work too much at work, that I have never liked my jobs too much, that I don’t feel like looking for another one. It is also normal for example that I don’t really feel like going to Guatemala and that I did not prepare for that trip (brush up my Spanish etc): I have a passion and it has been consuming all my time and energy! (…) Tonight, at last, I am starting to face it and accept it.

I feel very unstable at this time because this is like entering a new world, everything is new here, I have no reference. NEVER in my life has anyone told me about spirituality. I have been told about studying, career, enterprise, science, love, family, politics, art, etc… but NOT about spirituality (even though I was in a Catholic school all my life!). My mother was angry at me one day when she saw that I was reading a book about life after life – she said that one should not read such things. That world [the spiritual world] exists, it is now revealing itself to me day after day, but I was until now alien to it. I must therefore confront doubts, etc, it is a little bit like a yo-yo, it is difficult. But I know that these doubts will fade away then disappear, and that I will establish myself in that "new world" – I feel called to it as if by an incredible force. Tonight for the first time I accept this, I stop resisting, I stop telling myself that I am crazy, etc. This is it…

I can now see a way forward, I was able to discuss with Roslyn about where we go from here, what steps to make, etc. I am new in that world but many people (like her and like – surprise surprise – more and more people I meet) are there also… I must build more landmarks and stop doubting. She gave me a bunch of leads: seminars, groups, books, etc.

I am passionate, Richard. This felt like a disease until now, like something shameful, now I can see clearly… I finally accept who I am, what I want, where I’m going. This is huge. I know why I live in San Francisco, (...) I know why you had me read The Celestine Prophecy (after all, this is what started this whole thing, what woke up the sleeping beast! Thank you Richard!) (…)

I now feel that my life is going to change. (…) It is like a major coming out (…). It is no more a shameful disease. It is me, simply.

(…) In a way I wish I was not going to Guatemala, because this is off-track, really, although she told me to just try and look for spirituality there! All this is so new I don't even know where to look for spirituality! This is incredible. I wish I could just sit and meditate and get organized for my new life..."

Sunrise, lake Panajachel, Guatemala

I guess Spirit might be here?

Or there?

Back to work

I came back yesterday from Guatemala and Belize. The trip was absolutely fantastic, I felt I was in the pure state of clarity and bliss that I am starting to get familiar with now pretty much the whole time. I had a couple of powerful meditations, I also started to write a journal, and I went through a couple of spiritual books: The Celestine prophecy: an experiential guide, and Awakening the Buddha within from Lama Surya Das, which perfectly resonate with "the new me". More significantly, I felt deeply connected, pretty much every minute, with everything/everyone that was around me, like as if they were, in reality, me. A part of me. Amazing feeling.

I have resolved to stay at my current job another 8-12 months until I know more clearly what the next step to realize my new-found calling will be (e.g. studying at a psycho-spiritual university to get a degree in transpersonal psychology?).

But now that I’m back to work, my "energy level" has dropped suddenly: I feel confused again, and sort of depressed. It suddenly dawns on me that I might have to quit my job sooner than I had resolved... as I don’t think I'm going to be able to go on like this much longer...

Helpful, skillful, selfless

In The Celestine prophecy: an experiential guide, I think it was, I found this "benchmark" which I find quite handy: before you say or do anything, make sure it fulfills the 3 following criteria:

• it is HELPFUL (vs. harmful)
• it is SKILLFUL (vs. unskillful)
• it is SELFLESS (vs. self-centered).

Otherwise: ABSTAIN.

Totally lost

My confusion and feeling of inadequacy at work became so unbearable yesterday that I went to my boss and told him that I was quitting because I had found my calling. But now it feels like this is absolutely insane! What the hell am I doing? How am I going to survive without my job? Letter to my friend Sasha:

"I'm in the middle of a total mid-life crisis... I had a session with a counselor before New Year's and it came out that I am passionate about all this spiritual stuff and would like to make it my life – i.e. my career. But I am totally ignorant of what options there are. She told me there were a bunch, possibly couselor like her (she is into spirituality), or professor, or spiritual teacher...

Then I was in bliss for 2 weeks (in Guatemala, designing the master plan of what to do next, basically stay at my job for the next few months while I figure out what to do, then do it).

Then I came back to work and it was fog again, all clarity and joy left me – it didn't feel possible that I could stay one more day... so I talked to my boss and told him I wanted to quit because I had found my calling.

And now today I am totally lost, feels like I've done something crazy and terrible – like, how am I going to live without any revenue? Can I survive, alone, without a job? I am totally lost...

I will go back to my boss and say I'd like to slow things down, think things over a bit more.... I am fucking SCARED. TERRORIZED. Any advice? Maybe I could call you to discuss?

Life seems to be getting a little complicated for me these days... I don't seem to be able to sustain the joy..."

A bit later:

"I'm just going through a bunch of intense ups and downs but it's all going upward :-) like a spiral – I have doubts, but I know where I am going. The fog sets in again sometimes but there's more and more sunshine and clarity.

WHAT A RIDE !!!!!!

I am trying to work out a deal with my company whereby I would work part-time for them until I figure out the next step. This sounds awesome – no financial stress + time on my hands to explore my "destiny"!

Just showed me (again) that worrying is perfectly useless!! :-)"

A bit later:

"The mess is sort of sorting itself up a bit – it is like a spiral as I said in my second email. It's a crazy ride, but overall it's all good :-) it's better than anything else. It's just fears and clouds and doubts getting in the way. I’m holding on."

In fact, what I have decided is just to stay with my job for now… given how scared I got when I said I’d quit.

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make

I'm in Paris today on a business trip, hanging out with my oldest friend David. David has been a fan of the Beatles forever, and, together, we watched Anthology, the 10-hour-long video documentary on the Beatles. We couldn't stop! This documentary is a breathtaking dive into the soul of the 60's, rock 'n' roll, psychedelics, hippies, etc. I realize for the first time how "spiritual" their whole endeavor was, especially after Bob Dylan had them try marijuana for the first time in August 1964. A few excerpts:

"It's getting better all the time"

............

"There, there's a place
where I can go
when I feel low
when I feel blue
And it's my mind
and there's no time
When I'm alone"

............

"We were talking
about the space between us all
and people who hide themselves
behind a wall of illusion,
never glimpse the truth
then it's far too late
when they pass away"

............

"Turn off your mind, relax
and float down stream (...)
Lay down all thought
Surrender to the void (...)
That you may see
The meaning of within (...)
That love is all
And love is everyone"

............

"All you need is love"

Etc, each and every song is literally soaked in Spirit! Their last words:

"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make".

More on the Beatles and spirituality, and George Harrison and spirituality. But better still: listen to their songs...

Dot-com saviors, tilting at the world's ills

I found an interesting article from the New York Times on ex-Dot-Commers now trying to make a better world. It makes me feel less lonely! Excerpts:

"In increasing numbers, high-tech entrepreneurs who grew wealthy during the dot-com boom of the late 1990's - as well as many who didn't - are turning the intense business acumen they once devoted to making money to working for what they see as the global good. With the best of intentions, and maybe a hint of hubris, these New Age saviors are trying to build water purifiers, manual irrigation pumps, low-cost solar collectors, hearing aids, even highly durable mosquito nets."

"I plan to sit out the next bubble," he said. "I don't care if the Nasdaq goes to 20,000. I'll be in Nepal delivering books to villages on the back of a yak."

Ready to jump

My feeling of being torn between staying at my job (i.e. in the known) and following my heart's calling (i.e. jumping into the unknown) has not abated since I told my boss that I would quit four weeks ago (only to retract myself the day after). Letter to Sasha:

"I have suffered tremendously and consistently from my work life ever since it started (five years ago). I am awfully unhappy at work and this is now taking (with the spiritual awakening if you wish) huge proportions – my heart feels crushed, I don't do a thing there except feeling miserable, I suffer, physically and mentally, this is unbearable.

I keep making excuses for not quitting – like, I would if I had a boyfriend who supported me, I would if I'd get unemployment. But the truth is, I have money to support myself for a while.

This is killing me, destroying me.

I need to quit. I've been on the edge of the cliff for a long time now, not daring to jump. TERRIFIED. Remember how it feels when you're about to benji jump: the same. This is where I'm at. This is where I've been for a while now.

I am paralized by FEAR. Fear of all sorts – you can't imagine. Fear of being poor, of falling short of my parents' expectations, of losing my "status", of being chastised by my friends, of never finding my place in society, of becoming even more depressed, of just being lazy and inadequate to life, of failure. A HUGE BUNDLE OF FEARS.

I need to confront these fears (or... let go of them) and JUMP.

I need to jump. There is no way around it. I keep not seeing the blatant TRUTH, I keep refusing to see WHAT IS (my utter dissatisfaction with my current working life). This cannot go on.

I just wanted to bounce this off to you. Sasha, I suppose you've had exact similar feelings when you quit your job (although you may not have been as dissatisfied with your job, as crushed by it, as I am now).

Any insight from the wiser?

I think I'm pretty much decided – enough is enough – but I just need to hear some voices. I will see if this is stable in the next few days. If it is, I guess I'll just do it.

Take a sabbatical – after all, I make a huge drama out of it, but it is no big deal....

Let me know if you have any thought.

Sasha, I know you did one year of soul searching – and then you went back to your job, in another function. Was this useful? Any insight is most welcome.

This is the craziest time of my life. Fuck, the sheer intensity of it all..."

Overcoming the fears

Yesterday, I reached the end of the fierce battle with fear that I have been fighting over the last four weeks or so (fear of quitting my job managing research programs on Climate Change for a research institute to respond to a new-found "calling" to help people "awaken", grow from inside). I visited with my friend Mat, and for three hours, he asked me to describe my fears, probe into them, look at them upside down and inside out.

And suddenly, I knew this was it: I overcame my fears. I killed the demon. And I decided to quit my job (actually I came up with the easier, "intermediary" decision to take a few-months' sabbatical). I wrote to him:

"Somehow right now the fear is gone. I feel I am ready to jump. We will see how the next few days unfold, how it all stabilizes (fear is a wicked enemy) - but I believe I can and will jump now. So stay tuned...

There is no fear as we speak. There is pure clarity. I am actually truly excited at the prospect of a long-overdue sabbatical. At the prospect of being proud of having done this, of this gift of love to myself."

To Sasha (I am turning 30 this Sunday):

"Just to let you know... As we speak the fear is GONE. There is no fear. It may be back tomorrow - but this is the first time I feel zero fear about this.

I know this is the right thing to do - it is that simple. Fear is a construction of the mind - a delusion, it has nothing to do with reality.

The reality: I am miserable, day after day after day, I am depressed, this is taking a toll on my health, my sanity and my relationships (I drive many of my friends nuts - to many people, all they've seen of me is whining about my job and utter dissatisfaction)

Coming of age. Wooff, what a birthday, I'll remember my turning 30, I think! I am looking forward to freedom. Seems like the gate to my imaginary prison has just opened."

So today, I asked for and obtained a sabbatical leave (starting mid-March, after a business trip to Japan already scheduled), for real this time, and with joy. No more fear indeed. I jumped from the cliff edge. I wrote to another friend:

"I am going through the most intense, craziest time in my whole life so far. I see myself confronted with all my fears, all the ghosts are stepping out of the closets, etc, this is incredible. I would never had thought that one could go through such times… my life until now had been without ripples… Guess what, turning 30, I’ll never forget about it!"

Joy is back

Email to Richard:

"This is huge… ever since I decided to leave my job, my "joie de vivre" has come back. For MONTHS I had been waking up feeling sad in the morning. It’s over. All my joy is back. I feel whole again – this is HUGE.

It is INCREDIBLE that I have endured the PAIN for so long. INCREDIBLE. This is maybe my biggest lesson in life so far, I feel so strong now – that I have demonstrated for the first time that I REALLY TRUST MYSELF.

My dream is to eradicate from the Western belief system this poisonous idea that "one cannot change". Really. I know one can change – super quickly even, and I would like people to know this as well as they know that the earth is, in fact, round.

This is my ambition."

We cannot change the world, huh?

My friend Hannah argued with me today that no one can change the world on his/her own, that we are infinitesimal drops in the ocean of life… I sent her an email:

"Why do you think that?

Look at the people who, you think, have enormously changed the world – have had a great impact. Make a list. I don’t know, for example Jesus, or Gandhi, or Mother Theresa, Bill Gates, Henri Ford, Simone Weil, Camus, Picasso, politicians or dissidents whose names you will know better than I do, etc (one could put hundreds of names there I imagine).

Then ask yourself: what did they have in themselves that makes that they changed the world? I think it will give you clues on what it is you need to do if you want to change the world. A few possible answers that come to me randomly:

• They had a VISION that they alone had (I am sure that "everybody" told them that they were crazy, or idealists, or dreamers, I am sure that they had to go through lots of mockery)
• They did NOT believe like you right now that they could not have a massive impact on the world
• They worked without respite all their life – or a big part of their life – to turn this vision of theirs into reality, despite the many, many obstacles
• They destroyed all the "monsters" on their path: fears, doubts, critics, etc
• They were, I think, men /women of integrity, and gave themselves entirely to their mission
• They were totally plugged in to their "little voice" inside (vs. listening to all the loud voices outside!)

Just my 2 cents… self-realization is a fascinating process.... it is what life is about I think."

Tonglen meditation

On my way to Tokyo for my last business trip, I try Tonglen meditation for the first time (as described in Pema Chodron's book When Things Fall Apart, P. 93-97, a highly recommended reading by the way) and have a smashing experience, another deluge of clarity and bliss (buckets of joy and rivers of insights).

Here is how Tonglen goes: with each breath in, you mentally take in one of the sufferings of the world that you know about (a pain you or a loved one has, or one of the world’s sufferings), and, with each breath out, you breathe out joy, comfort, light, etc (whatever can alleviate the suffering). You go on and on like this, "vacuuming" the world of all sufferings!

I got entranced, in a state of deep concentration, "vacuuming" like this for almost an hour (there is so much suffering to breathe in!). My heart was getting bigger and bigger, I was feeling totally purified. It also brought me a river of insights on how I can indeed be of service to the world and alleviate its sufferings. I filled pages and pages of notes in my journal, it was incredible. I’ll do it again…

Where have I brought comfort, where have I brought pain?

Following my first Tonglen meditation, I ask myself: "What are the things I’ve done in my life where I have hurt people, and what are the things I’ve done in my life where I have comforted, or helped people?"

I also decide to ask the very same question to my close family and friends (if only to check if I have a clue about what I do right and what I do wrong!): "In your experience, what are the things that I have said or done that have hurt you, and, conversely, what are the things I have said or done that have comforted, or helped you?" If I don’t know this, I am blind, I cannot move anywhere forward.

And indeed, and this is one of the big insights here, I feel I have lived my life like I was blind until now, walking in the dark, with no idea of how my actions and words have hurt people – or made them bigger and better. I want to start understanding what my "karma" (action in the world) looks like… This idea sounds super simple (like, d'huh, why haven't I ever inquired about this before) – yet how many people really know when they cause pain from when they do good? How many of us really care to discriminate? We are blind. We move in life with our eyes closed. My purpose is to understand how I can best serve the world, what my best loving skills are, and where I need to do some progress. It is like a professional 360 review, but about loving and relating to the universe.

I am surprised at my own answers to the questions: basically I have brought pain mostly through writing/talking (which I would have listed among my "strengths" otherwise), while I have brought comfort mostly through shutting up!! ;-) Here they are:

Where have I brought pain?

• Talking too much
• Writing letters
• Being stingy / counting money
• Not being humble
• Being too happy sometimes (!)
• No tact, not taking into consideration other people’s feelings
• Not being mindfully loving
• Not acting from love
• Not loving (e.g. the guy I’m with)
• Not hearing / listening
• Complaining about things, being negative
• Being angry, frustrated.

Where have I brought comfort?

• Dancing (!), i.e. being inviting, endearing, joyful
• Being tender, loving (e.g. with the guy I’m with)
• Asking questions vs. telling things, giving others the space to talk, be interested in them, open
• Asking for help and advice
• Being energetic, positive, in a giggly mood, light, funny
• Encouraging people’s intuitions, helping them formulate them
• A few times with writing letters
• Having a big smile
• Being hospitable.

Please forgive me

This Tonglen practice seems to have triggered a complete turn-around in my attitude vis-à-vis my ex Richard. I realize that I am the problem, not him (or let’s say, that my problem – i.e. where I can do the work – is myself, not him). For the first time in the five months that have elapsed since we broke up, I am able to ask him to forgive me. I understand that it is not all about him having to fix himself – that it is also about me having hurt him while we were together and me having been completely oblivious to that. When he left me, his last words were: "One can not discuss with you". Ouch. Letter to him:

"I ask you to forgive me for not understanding, while we were together, that my "communication style" – a bit aggressive, a bit arrogant, a bit pedantic – has hurt you, at times, and that it finally pushed you away from me.

Never was it my intention to hurt you nor to push you away, ever. I had not realized that I was bruising our relationship. I loved you and wanted our relationship to work out. I was working on it, but poorly. I didn’t know how to do, I was in the fog. All I wanted is to learn, but I didn’t know how or from whom. I would have liked someone (a mentor, a gimini cricket, you, a counselor, you name it) to tell me: "talk rather like this" or "talk rather like that". (…)

I was not always (or actually, not even often) "mindful" with you – for this is what we are talking about here. This is what clarity is: understanding at all times the ramifications of everything one says or does. Staying in the awareness of what is precious in our lives, and preserve it, cherish it.

I’m working on it. On being mindful. Of my actions and my words. I hope that it won’t take a lifetime. But no, I think I’m making progress. It’s hard to believe, but I really don’t approach life the same way I used to.

I would like you to forgive me for this – for my lacks of "mindfulness" in our interactions – I would like you to give me closure on that, also, if you so desire, of course. (…) Thank you."

Forgive you for what?

Richard replied to my "please forgive me" email, asking "forgive you for what?" I guess I was not clear enough. And I must not assume that he realizes how much things are changing inside of me! I make things more explicit:

"Richard, this email was quite important, actually.

I am telling you, Richard, that I have understood at last what you came to teach me (or, let’s say, one of the things you came to teach me!). You came to tell me "One can not discuss with you".

I am telling you that I have become aware of the fact that, indeed, one can not discuss with me. Or let’s say one could not before I understood that, indeed, I was not very "mindful" in my conversations with other people: I was like a babbling child, I was not aware of the energy (at times aggressive, arrogant, what have you) that I was diffusing in my conversations, I was not aware of the consequences of my "communication style", I was not aware that I was sometimes giving the impression that I was trying to crush the person I was talking to, I was not listening to the signs of discomfort around me. I couldn’t see anything, I didn’t understand anything, I was perfectly oblivious to the problem. As a result, I was able to have rich and pleasant conversations only with people like me, while I made many others run way. Even people who were the closest to me. Like yourself.

I am telling you that I have now understood this lesson that you came to give me. The lesson is painful given that it cost me our separation – I can assure you that it is all the better learnt. I can see all this quite clearly now (I didn’t back then).

That I can see it does not mean that I am now perfect on this account ;-), but, as a good first step, I am aware now, I am becoming increasingly mindful of it, and, little by little, I am correcting, subtly changing the way I interact. When I am in a conversation now, I see what’s going on, where before I didn’t see a thing. I choose my words. I understand their impact. I see the exchange from new angles. I talk less. I am more skillful. I speak only when it is necessary. I am learning, it is fascinating! I feel like I’m being born again (this is only one aspect of this rebirth – light is coming out a little bit everywhere, actually).

Doesn’t it make you happy, that I understand at last what you came to teach me? :-)

So I’m asking you again, Richard, because it is important for me, to go on with life, even if you don’t understand: do you forgive my lacks of "mindfulness" in our interactions? I know it hurt you when we were together, because you shared that with me, so I’m asking you if you’d like to forgive me for that. It’s important for me. 

Why is it important? Because when you start seeing the suffering that you may have caused in your life from your own ignorance, you feel it too, and it hurts, and you want to suppress it.

Thanks again."

Mastering is hard

I had a bit of a breakdown in Tokyo yesterday, feeling exactly the same way as the characters in the movie Lost in Translation that I watched just before heading for Tokyo… The jetlag and the strangeness of it all… Feeling lonely… Letter to my friend Kathrin, who just shared with me an issue she is facing:

"Mastering is hard – not much we can do about our own feelings...

I couldn't stand Tokyo yesterday after a while, feeling so isolated. I cried... Nothing I could do about it. Like as I say, not sure there is anything to master... (I did not feel "reborn", that's for sure).

What happens is we are ALWAYS going to run into problems – it is pushing the envelope, but as we "master" things new things come up – all the time. Life is just a series of problems. Take a good look at what your current situation is there to teach you exactly. I need to do same with my current situation in Tokyo.

But as you grow there will be more challenging challenges."

Is love accepting the other the way she is, or helping her grow?

Email to Richard:

"The other day, you were telling me that I had told you "either you love me the way I am, or you leave". I protested, telling you that I could not possibly have told you that, because I believe that we are here on earth to grow and learn, and I wanted you to teach me, at the very least, how to love you – e.g. how to not hurt you when I speak.

On the other hand, you often told me, when we were together and even after: "I am like I am, and if you don’t love me the way I am, if I need to change, it means that you don’t love me".

So, do you think one must love and accept people exactly the way they are, or help them become better, enjoy life more, surmount their difficulties, i.e. try to change them? Feels like a contradiction, right, like a paradox…

Well in fact there is a paradox only in appearance. There is only one way to love – and therefore grow others: it is to ACCEPT them EXACTLY the way they are, accept them, welcome them, see in them the miracle of perfection that they are – not seek to change anything – and know that the only way to help someone grow and become more him/herself, open to life, is the skillful deployment of our love, is our always expressed and renewed acceptation of them.

I think it is our ignorance and lack of skills that made us see this as a paradox while, in reality, there isn’t any."

Eradicate the poison of expectations

Email to Richard continued:

"For example, as you know, I suffered greatly after our breakup from my own expectations: your behavior was directly opposed to my idea of what it was supposed to be. I had a fantasy, a dream, that you would call me, that you would support me, that we would see each other again, and reality did not correspond to that dream at all, hence suffering. I suffered also when we were together, instead of quite simply accepting you the way you were, with your energy, all your qualities, etc. I see this quite clearly now.

I spent a lot of time fantasizing our relationship instead of living it – while living it was so nice, while, when we accepted each other the way we were (like at the beginning of our relationship) we were so happy! As simple as that! And, guess what, at that time we were not "incompatible", we were not like oil and water! There was no expectation, no fantasy, we were taking life the way it came, minute after minute – and, guess what, you liked everything I did/said and I liked everything you did/said. There was not the poison of my (or our?) expectations.

I can see this now. I don’t know if you also let expectations poison your life. I think it is possible, maybe towards the end – where I could feel that I was no more accepted (which is when I freaked out, so I can sympathize that my non-acceptation of you must have freaked you out and that you left me!). I can see that what separated us is precisely this fantasy, this "delusion", while in fact we had everything we needed to be happy, in the reality of our lives, moment after moment. I did not know how to live reality.

Anyway. I am still quite unskilled at expressing those things – please forgive me if this is clumsy. I am working now at never forming any expectations. EVER. I don’t expect anyone to be on time at an appointment, I don’t expect my car to not break down,  I don’t expect to be able to survive a marathon training, I don’t expect you to read the email I send you… I don’t expect anything. ANYTHING. I am discovering that each minute of my life is in fact filled with joy, one just has to LOOK. It is fascinating. Life has now incredible depth. This is what I mean when I say "I am a new person".

The other side of the coin of expectations is fear – and you know that, as much as I lived in the fantasy of my expectations, I lived in that of my fears. I think I killed both monsters at once!

It is incredible when you realize this. I know that, when love knocks on my door again, that will be it. I know it. Because I have finally understood what love is, quite simply. Love, cherish ALL what life brings my way. Like, if love does not knock on my door again, it absolutely dot not matter. I accept with total surrender – and total awe – what live gives me.

By the way, I would like to seize this opportunity to once more express here my gratitude that you entered my life, that you took the risk to love me and endured the suffering that it caused, and that you were for me like this electroshock in my life that made me realize so many things, open my heart and be able to love, at last. 

I needed this to grow, I can’t imagine what other experience would have taught me all this, I had to live this pain to understand this, destroy these enormous barriers in my life, and be born again."

It takes only one

More email to Richard:

"About the question that was the object of some of our discussions: "whose fault is it?", like whose fault is it if it did not work between us, I think (I know) that we failed not because one of us did not manage to love the other, but because neither you nor I managed to love the other. I think that if I had managed to love you OR if you have managed to love me we would have succeeded.

Why? Because love works this way, it reflects itself, it is a mirror. Love (practiced with skills) calls for love, drives love, like an immense pump, a virtuous circle. One person is enough to drive the spiral in the right direction.

So, our failure is entirely my fault, yes – but it also is entirely your fault. I am almost sure that you know this.

But of course this is of no importance. It is what it is and it is perfect the way it is. One only has to open one’s eyes and SEE this perfection."