Email to Sasha:
"I fear sometimes that this is taking me away from my "normal" life, or, say, the way I thought my life was going to be (despite the lack of clarity of it all). Things like visions I had that I should dedicate my life to helping others, etc. It SCARES me (I believe for example that it may help explain my recent break-up: I once had the strong vision, that I shared with him, that I was not in this life to bear children). It just is, but it is all scary in a way, like sometimes I would like to not look at the light, to not follow the path… To go back...? but it's one-way, right...? I can see that. So it's only fear... but maybe it is holding me back a little. Like I wanted to know my "calling" in life, but the more it seems to disclose itself to me, the more I want to close my eyes... there is a bit of that.
I know the things I am discovering make a lot of sense, it makes everything fit, as you put it, etc. It is not really possible to go back and erase this knowledge from me now. I am just wondering why we are not more people to share these things (and probably it's because I'm just "joining in" so I don't know many people) and I can see that I have a large part of responsibility in this, in sharing with others. I see the path has the potential to be hard... and I wish I had a companion sometimes...
I was sharing with you what I guess I should interpret as growing pains... Sometimes disbelief, questioning, sometimes just fear. Sometimes wondering if it is not just a construction of our minds.... do you ever have such doubts? Do you have, or have you had, "growing pains"?
Maybe it will go away when I get the regular connection from meditating... Guess it's a whole process I'm just starting and all of this is just legitimate. I feel it's worth it anyway, cause being in the dark was painful also (but being a child has its good moments!).
As you put once, once you've seen the ocean, when you're back in the forest, you find the river and start walking..."
Comments