Well, I guess seeking professional help has borne fruits… After just a few minutes of sitting with my counselor Roslyn, I knew that my "depression" was already a thing of the past. My two first sessions with her have had an incredible impact on me, made me feel amazing, in charge, etc. I cannot believe that I haven’t gone earlier, and that I have never sought help before!
Tonight, I went to see her for the third time (I am leaving tomorrow morning for a 10-day trip to Guatemala). I told her that, this time, I would like to talk, not about Richard, but about me, what I am going to do with my life, etc. I’ve been having the distinct feeling that my depression over Richard was the tree hiding the forest – that the real issue was not my relationship with him, but my relationship with myself.
So I start talking about myself, what I would like to do with my life, etc… And I realize it is actually the first time I ever do so! So, for the first time ever in my life, I hear myself say who I am, I hear myself say "I want to be a spiritual teacher or something like that, help people get on with life". Me, a spiritual teacher! Waoh. This is quite a shock. For the first time tonight I feel I know who I really am.
She tells me: "You do what you can until you know your destiny" (from the movie The Last Samurai that she just saw).
I am in an incredible state of clarity and bliss after that session with Roslyn, something akin to a mild mystical state... I share my feelings with Richard in an email (as I am still hooked to writing to him ;-)):
"I just spent 75 sublime minutes with Roslyn. I think those are the best-spent $150 in my life ;-). I feel like sharing this with you, if this is OK…
To summarize, CLARITY! I realize that my attraction to "the spiritual life" is legitimate, real, powerful: it is in fact my passion. For the first time in my life, I have discovered my passion! Something that pulls me, attracts me, leads me… I must stop resisting, this is me!
It is NORMAL that I don’t work too much at work, that I have never liked my jobs too much, that I don’t feel like looking for another one. It is also normal for example that I don’t really feel like going to Guatemala and that I did not prepare for that trip (brush up my Spanish etc): I have a passion and it has been consuming all my time and energy! (…) Tonight, at last, I am starting to face it and accept it.
I feel very unstable at this time because this is like entering a new world, everything is new here, I have no reference. NEVER in my life has anyone told me about spirituality. I have been told about studying, career, enterprise, science, love, family, politics, art, etc… but NOT about spirituality (even though I was in a Catholic school all my life!). My mother was angry at me one day when she saw that I was reading a book about life after life – she said that one should not read such things. That world [the spiritual world] exists, it is now revealing itself to me day after day, but I was until now alien to it. I must therefore confront doubts, etc, it is a little bit like a yo-yo, it is difficult. But I know that these doubts will fade away then disappear, and that I will establish myself in that "new world" – I feel called to it as if by an incredible force. Tonight for the first time I accept this, I stop resisting, I stop telling myself that I am crazy, etc. This is it…
I can now see a way forward, I was able to discuss with Roslyn about where we go from here, what steps to make, etc. I am new in that world but many people (like her and like – surprise surprise – more and more people I meet) are there also… I must build more landmarks and stop doubting. She gave me a bunch of leads: seminars, groups, books, etc.
I am passionate, Richard. This felt like a disease until now, like something shameful, now I can see clearly… I finally accept who I am, what I want, where I’m going. This is huge. I know why I live in San Francisco, (...) I know why you had me read The Celestine Prophecy (after all, this is what started this whole thing, what woke up the sleeping beast! Thank you Richard!) (…)
I now feel that my life is going to change. (…) It is like a major coming out (…). It is no more a shameful disease. It is me, simply.
(…) In a way I wish I was not going to Guatemala, because this is off-track, really, although she told me to just try and look for spirituality there! All this is so new I don't even know where to look for spirituality! This is incredible. I wish I could just sit and meditate and get organized for my new life..."
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