My confusion and feeling of inadequacy at work became so unbearable yesterday that I went to my boss and told him that I was quitting because I had found my calling. But now it feels like this is absolutely insane! What the hell am I doing? How am I going to survive without my job? Letter to my friend Sasha:
"I'm in the middle of a total mid-life crisis... I had a session with a counselor before New Year's and it came out that I am passionate about all this spiritual stuff and would like to make it my life – i.e. my career. But I am totally ignorant of what options there are. She told me there were a bunch, possibly couselor like her (she is into spirituality), or professor, or spiritual teacher...
Then I was in bliss for 2 weeks (in Guatemala, designing the master plan of what to do next, basically stay at my job for the next few months while I figure out what to do, then do it).
Then I came back to work and it was fog again, all clarity and joy left me – it didn't feel possible that I could stay one more day... so I talked to my boss and told him I wanted to quit because I had found my calling.
And now today I am totally lost, feels like I've done something crazy and terrible – like, how am I going to live without any revenue? Can I survive, alone, without a job? I am totally lost...
I will go back to my boss and say I'd like to slow things down, think things over a bit more.... I am fucking SCARED. TERRORIZED. Any advice? Maybe I could call you to discuss?
Life seems to be getting a little complicated for me these days... I don't seem to be able to sustain the joy..."
A bit later:
"I'm just going through a bunch of intense ups and downs but it's all going upward :-) like a spiral – I have doubts, but I know where I am going. The fog sets in again sometimes but there's more and more sunshine and clarity.
WHAT A RIDE !!!!!!
I am trying to work out a deal with my company whereby I would work part-time for them until I figure out the next step. This sounds awesome – no financial stress + time on my hands to explore my "destiny"!
Just showed me (again) that worrying is perfectly useless!! :-)"
A bit later:
"The mess is sort of sorting itself up a bit – it is like a spiral as I said in my second email. It's a crazy ride, but overall it's all good :-) it's better than anything else. It's just fears and clouds and doubts getting in the way. I’m holding on."
In fact, what I have decided is just to stay with my job for now… given how scared I got when I said I’d quit.
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