Eradicate the poison of expectations

Email to Richard continued:

"For example, as you know, I suffered greatly after our breakup from my own expectations: your behavior was directly opposed to my idea of what it was supposed to be. I had a fantasy, a dream, that you would call me, that you would support me, that we would see each other again, and reality did not correspond to that dream at all, hence suffering. I suffered also when we were together, instead of quite simply accepting you the way you were, with your energy, all your qualities, etc. I see this quite clearly now.

I spent a lot of time fantasizing our relationship instead of living it – while living it was so nice, while, when we accepted each other the way we were (like at the beginning of our relationship) we were so happy! As simple as that! And, guess what, at that time we were not "incompatible", we were not like oil and water! There was no expectation, no fantasy, we were taking life the way it came, minute after minute – and, guess what, you liked everything I did/said and I liked everything you did/said. There was not the poison of my (or our?) expectations.

I can see this now. I don’t know if you also let expectations poison your life. I think it is possible, maybe towards the end – where I could feel that I was no more accepted (which is when I freaked out, so I can sympathize that my non-acceptation of you must have freaked you out and that you left me!). I can see that what separated us is precisely this fantasy, this "delusion", while in fact we had everything we needed to be happy, in the reality of our lives, moment after moment. I did not know how to live reality.

Anyway. I am still quite unskilled at expressing those things – please forgive me if this is clumsy. I am working now at never forming any expectations. EVER. I don’t expect anyone to be on time at an appointment, I don’t expect my car to not break down,  I don’t expect to be able to survive a marathon training, I don’t expect you to read the email I send you… I don’t expect anything. ANYTHING. I am discovering that each minute of my life is in fact filled with joy, one just has to LOOK. It is fascinating. Life has now incredible depth. This is what I mean when I say "I am a new person".

The other side of the coin of expectations is fear – and you know that, as much as I lived in the fantasy of my expectations, I lived in that of my fears. I think I killed both monsters at once!

It is incredible when you realize this. I know that, when love knocks on my door again, that will be it. I know it. Because I have finally understood what love is, quite simply. Love, cherish ALL what life brings my way. Like, if love does not knock on my door again, it absolutely dot not matter. I accept with total surrender – and total awe – what live gives me.

By the way, I would like to seize this opportunity to once more express here my gratitude that you entered my life, that you took the risk to love me and endured the suffering that it caused, and that you were for me like this electroshock in my life that made me realize so many things, open my heart and be able to love, at last. 

I needed this to grow, I can’t imagine what other experience would have taught me all this, I had to live this pain to understand this, destroy these enormous barriers in my life, and be born again."

Comments

[Scott Cunning]

Very poignant; the passage on expectations is dead on. I think I first ran into it in Dennis Prager's excellent book, Happiness Is a Serious Problem. I don't recall if it's exactly what he said, but I believe he made it clear that the central key to most misery is expectations. I also just read a post elsewhere that said the three things that kill love are jealousy, neediness, and...you guessed it, expectation.