Forgive you for what?

Richard replied to my "please forgive me" email, asking "forgive you for what?" I guess I was not clear enough. And I must not assume that he realizes how much things are changing inside of me! I make things more explicit:

"Richard, this email was quite important, actually.

I am telling you, Richard, that I have understood at last what you came to teach me (or, let’s say, one of the things you came to teach me!). You came to tell me "One can not discuss with you".

I am telling you that I have become aware of the fact that, indeed, one can not discuss with me. Or let’s say one could not before I understood that, indeed, I was not very "mindful" in my conversations with other people: I was like a babbling child, I was not aware of the energy (at times aggressive, arrogant, what have you) that I was diffusing in my conversations, I was not aware of the consequences of my "communication style", I was not aware that I was sometimes giving the impression that I was trying to crush the person I was talking to, I was not listening to the signs of discomfort around me. I couldn’t see anything, I didn’t understand anything, I was perfectly oblivious to the problem. As a result, I was able to have rich and pleasant conversations only with people like me, while I made many others run way. Even people who were the closest to me. Like yourself.

I am telling you that I have now understood this lesson that you came to give me. The lesson is painful given that it cost me our separation – I can assure you that it is all the better learnt. I can see all this quite clearly now (I didn’t back then).

That I can see it does not mean that I am now perfect on this account ;-), but, as a good first step, I am aware now, I am becoming increasingly mindful of it, and, little by little, I am correcting, subtly changing the way I interact. When I am in a conversation now, I see what’s going on, where before I didn’t see a thing. I choose my words. I understand their impact. I see the exchange from new angles. I talk less. I am more skillful. I speak only when it is necessary. I am learning, it is fascinating! I feel like I’m being born again (this is only one aspect of this rebirth – light is coming out a little bit everywhere, actually).

Doesn’t it make you happy, that I understand at last what you came to teach me? :-)

So I’m asking you again, Richard, because it is important for me, to go on with life, even if you don’t understand: do you forgive my lacks of "mindfulness" in our interactions? I know it hurt you when we were together, because you shared that with me, so I’m asking you if you’d like to forgive me for that. It’s important for me. 

Why is it important? Because when you start seeing the suffering that you may have caused in your life from your own ignorance, you feel it too, and it hurts, and you want to suppress it.

Thanks again."