Overcoming the fears

Yesterday, I reached the end of the fierce battle with fear that I have been fighting over the last four weeks or so (fear of quitting my job managing research programs on Climate Change for a research institute to respond to a new-found "calling" to help people "awaken", grow from inside). I visited with my friend Mat, and for three hours, he asked me to describe my fears, probe into them, look at them upside down and inside out.

And suddenly, I knew this was it: I overcame my fears. I killed the demon. And I decided to quit my job (actually I came up with the easier, "intermediary" decision to take a few-months' sabbatical). I wrote to him:

"Somehow right now the fear is gone. I feel I am ready to jump. We will see how the next few days unfold, how it all stabilizes (fear is a wicked enemy) - but I believe I can and will jump now. So stay tuned...

There is no fear as we speak. There is pure clarity. I am actually truly excited at the prospect of a long-overdue sabbatical. At the prospect of being proud of having done this, of this gift of love to myself."

To Sasha (I am turning 30 this Sunday):

"Just to let you know... As we speak the fear is GONE. There is no fear. It may be back tomorrow - but this is the first time I feel zero fear about this.

I know this is the right thing to do - it is that simple. Fear is a construction of the mind - a delusion, it has nothing to do with reality.

The reality: I am miserable, day after day after day, I am depressed, this is taking a toll on my health, my sanity and my relationships (I drive many of my friends nuts - to many people, all they've seen of me is whining about my job and utter dissatisfaction)

Coming of age. Wooff, what a birthday, I'll remember my turning 30, I think! I am looking forward to freedom. Seems like the gate to my imaginary prison has just opened."

So today, I asked for and obtained a sabbatical leave (starting mid-March, after a business trip to Japan already scheduled), for real this time, and with joy. No more fear indeed. I jumped from the cliff edge. I wrote to another friend:

"I am going through the most intense, craziest time in my whole life so far. I see myself confronted with all my fears, all the ghosts are stepping out of the closets, etc, this is incredible. I would never had thought that one could go through such times… my life until now had been without ripples… Guess what, turning 30, I’ll never forget about it!"