This Tonglen practice seems to have triggered a complete turn-around in my attitude vis-à-vis my ex Richard. I realize that I am the problem, not him (or let’s say, that my problem – i.e. where I can do the work – is myself, not him). For the first time in the five months that have elapsed since we broke up, I am able to ask him to forgive me. I understand that it is not all about him having to fix himself – that it is also about me having hurt him while we were together and me having been completely oblivious to that. When he left me, his last words were: "One can not discuss with you". Ouch. Letter to him:
"I ask you to forgive me for not understanding, while we were together, that my "communication style" – a bit aggressive, a bit arrogant, a bit pedantic – has hurt you, at times, and that it finally pushed you away from me.
Never was it my intention to hurt you nor to push you away, ever. I had not realized that I was bruising our relationship. I loved you and wanted our relationship to work out. I was working on it, but poorly. I didn’t know how to do, I was in the fog. All I wanted is to learn, but I didn’t know how or from whom. I would have liked someone (a mentor, a gimini cricket, you, a counselor, you name it) to tell me: "talk rather like this" or "talk rather like that". (…)
I was not always (or actually, not even often) "mindful" with you – for this is what we are talking about here. This is what clarity is: understanding at all times the ramifications of everything one says or does. Staying in the awareness of what is precious in our lives, and preserve it, cherish it.
I’m working on it. On being mindful. Of my actions and my words. I hope that it won’t take a lifetime. But no, I think I’m making progress. It’s hard to believe, but I really don’t approach life the same way I used to.
I would like you to forgive me for this – for my lacks of "mindfulness" in our interactions – I would like you to give me closure on that, also, if you so desire, of course. (…) Thank you."
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