My feeling of being torn between staying at my job (i.e. in the known) and following my heart's calling (i.e. jumping into the unknown) has not abated since I told my boss that I would quit four weeks ago (only to retract myself the day after). Letter to Sasha:
"I have suffered tremendously and consistently from my work life ever since it started (five years ago). I am awfully unhappy at work and this is now taking (with the spiritual awakening if you wish) huge proportions – my heart feels crushed, I don't do a thing there except feeling miserable, I suffer, physically and mentally, this is unbearable.
I keep making excuses for not quitting – like, I would if I had a boyfriend who supported me, I would if I'd get unemployment. But the truth is, I have money to support myself for a while.
This is killing me, destroying me.
I need to quit. I've been on the edge of the cliff for a long time now, not daring to jump. TERRIFIED. Remember how it feels when you're about to benji jump: the same. This is where I'm at. This is where I've been for a while now.
I am paralized by FEAR. Fear of all sorts – you can't imagine. Fear of being poor, of falling short of my parents' expectations, of losing my "status", of being chastised by my friends, of never finding my place in society, of becoming even more depressed, of just being lazy and inadequate to life, of failure. A HUGE BUNDLE OF FEARS.
I need to confront these fears (or... let go of them) and JUMP.
I need to jump. There is no way around it. I keep not seeing the blatant TRUTH, I keep refusing to see WHAT IS (my utter dissatisfaction with my current working life). This cannot go on.
I just wanted to bounce this off to you. Sasha, I suppose you've had exact similar feelings when you quit your job (although you may not have been as dissatisfied with your job, as crushed by it, as I am now).
Any insight from the wiser?
I think I'm pretty much decided – enough is enough – but I just need to hear some voices. I will see if this is stable in the next few days. If it is, I guess I'll just do it.
Take a sabbatical – after all, I make a huge drama out of it, but it is no big deal....
Let me know if you have any thought.
Sasha, I know you did one year of soul searching – and then you went back to your job, in another function. Was this useful? Any insight is most welcome.
This is the craziest time of my life. Fuck, the sheer intensity of it all..."
Comments