What's In Your Mind?

The dark night of the soul

In Milan for a conference, I fall into a state of depression, triggered by my ex-boyfriend Richard having in effect almost stopped communicating with me, while I thought we would instead stay close friends after the break-up. Letter to my friend Kathrin:

"Bad news, I am TOTALLY depressed again today. Lonely, I slept most of today (i.e. didn't prepare my presentation, didn't go to the conference), feel like crying anytime something goes slightly wrong. No joy, no energy, no hope. (...)

Also because of Richard. He sent me a one-liner telling me he was busy and didn't have time to read my email. I sent him another one... but I PROMISE this is the last one on the topic. I've said the same thing 3 times, there is no point ever telling this again. I need to just endure the suffering. And stop this contraction on him that is killing me.

Don't be too harsh on me. I am depressed now - like you were after you moved to Paris. It's been 2-3 weeks now, or even more and I was in denial, i.e. it is no small thing. A typical post-beak-up depression. Which could have been avoided if Richard was behaving lovingly but he isn't and I need to accept it, i.e. go through the pain. I can't believe it, I seemed to be on such a happy groove for months. I feel shame, and disbelief."

Email to Richard, from Milan (our communication is mostly one-way now):

"What happens is I am going through a depression now. It's been 2-3 weeks now so I guess it can be called that. The D-word you seem to never have encountered. But you have probably heard that it happens to the best of us, that it is a disease, like a flu. 

Depression is a general state of unhappiness that affects all areas of our lives. They are commonly triggered by events: typically, death, divorce, job loss, break-up. My depression happens to be triggered by your "lack of care" - i.e. it would have been avoided had you been more skillful at figuring out how to care for me at this time (but I know it is not your "fault"! there is no fault here, just my disease). It is not caused by the break-up itself, I know as well as you do that things were not working between us. I accept this fact. (…)

I was trying to let you know this so that maybe you could change your behavior to help me (like I am asking all my friends now to be gentle with me because I am depressed).

It is not happening, for some reason (guess when we were together we had smaller versions of it happening - you had no clue what to do when I felt "down") so I know I need to just go through the suffering and wait until it goes away, courageously, on my own. It is hard to live in constant pain. Again, you could have greatly helped, and I wanted to guide you, but I suppose it turned you off. I apologize for all this.

I am sharing this with you because depression is something real and objective that maybe you will encounter again in your life - not in yourself probably, but maybe in loved ones. I wish it did not exist.

I don't know how long it will last. Not too long, hopefully, so I can be my full self again.

With enduring affection and fond memories,

Annelene (or the little that is left of her at this time)."

Depression is your friend

Kathrin replies to my email where I shared with her that I am depressed, reminding me that I know that this depression is not real, that it is just my thoughts that are doing that to me because I haven't learnt to control them yet. We both start realizing that it is not about knowing wisdom, it is about living the wisdom you know... I reply:

"Food for thought indeed, this knowing-everything-about-delusion-but-still-deluding-myself-like-crazy. I guess it really IS chemical which really questions our handle on these things. Our brain knows, but still derails.

I feel much better today though (although not happy to see people and go to that conference, super low in energy, especially work energy) - yes my work has a lot to do with feeling depressed. Richard's attitude is just the trigger.

But I know, it will make me laugh soon that I depressed over losing him. Like I could laugh now about depressing about losing B. years ago. But see, it's not about losing them that I got depressed, it's about losing very abruptly a very strong emotional connection. It all goes well when it goes smoothly...

Buddhists say: depression is your friend, sadness is your friend, etc – that you LEARN from all these negative states. That the more states you visit, the better you understand yourself/humanity. But you need to keep the attitude of an observer: I see that there is sadness, I see that there is depression. The key is to not get too involved with it. Not easy as far as I can tell".

Seeking help

I don’t seem to get over the pain of my ex Richard refusing to communicate with me. Every morning, I wake up wishing I hadn’t so that I wouldn’t feel that unbearable pain. It comes and goes, but every morning for the past 6 weeks or so I have woken up to that pain, and I don’t see any end in sight. Again and again, I find myself crying on my bed for hours, feeling lost and miserable. It has also taken a visible toll on all areas of my life (e.g. some of my closest friends are starting to get tired of hearing me talk about Richard all the time). This has turned into an obsession, a distinct, chronic "sickness".

This morning, after a few hours spent crying on my bed yet again, I realize that there is probably nothing to lose from dialing the phone number that a friend has had the bright idea to stick into my reluctant hand a couple of weeks ago (I guess, after I had rambled about Richard for an hour or two): that of her therapist Roslyn. For the first time in my life, I feel that it might be OK to go seek help, i.e. pay someone to share my sorrow with, and see if it brings me any comfort.

I have never seen a psychotherapist before, as I felt that these must be for sissies, weaklings, but certainly not for the healthy, stable and strong me. I know that it has helped some friends of mine get over depression, though, so there might be something to it. Although I am highly skeptical that this will help me in any way, I feel better already from calling her.

Mastering is hard

I had a bit of a breakdown in Tokyo yesterday, feeling exactly the same way as the characters in the movie Lost in Translation that I watched just before heading for Tokyo… The jetlag and the strangeness of it all… Feeling lonely… Letter to my friend Kathrin, who just shared with me an issue she is facing:

"Mastering is hard – not much we can do about our own feelings...

I couldn't stand Tokyo yesterday after a while, feeling so isolated. I cried... Nothing I could do about it. Like as I say, not sure there is anything to master... (I did not feel "reborn", that's for sure).

What happens is we are ALWAYS going to run into problems – it is pushing the envelope, but as we "master" things new things come up – all the time. Life is just a series of problems. Take a good look at what your current situation is there to teach you exactly. I need to do same with my current situation in Tokyo.

But as you grow there will be more challenging challenges."

Two friends are walking on the road

A good friend of mine often comes to share with me his "problems". So far, I have always eagerly engaged in helping him solve them, but I am starting to understand that there actually is a pattern here, that his problems seem to exist only at times, and are always combined with him feeling generally unhappy, undeserving, miserable, etc. I start realizing, in fact, that he sees problems only when he feels down. I start realizing that the only problem he has is, in fact... depression! I try to express this to him with a "parable":

"Two friends are walking on the road.

Suddenly, one of them falls into a pothole and finds himself at the bottom of it, covered with mud. He can’t see anymore and can’t move anymore, but he doesn’t realize that he has fallen into a pit. He tries to continue to move forward but he can’t make it, so he is scratching and digging into the mud and the dirt around him.

He asks his friend: "come, help me get rid of the mud, I can’t see and I don’t manage to move forward". He would like his friend to come next to him and help him remove the mud and the dirt, so that he may be able to move forward.

But his friend can see that he has fallen, so he tells him: "no, you have fallen into a pothole, it is useless to persevere to try and remove the mud", so he reaches down with his hand and says "take my hand, hold on to it, and step out of the pit, onto the road and into the sun."

But the friend continues to fight with the mud down in the pit…"

Helping a depressed friend

It now really dawns on me, after years (yes, years) of trying to help him to no avail, that one of my good friends is in fact going through depression. I surf the net in search of some info, realizing I did not know anything about it, while my friend has exhibited symptoms of it for years… I find this amazing resource, a must-read for whoever suspects someone around them might be going through depression. Extract:

"How the depressed mind works.

The psychic pain of deep depression is real, it is not unlike the mental equivalent of having a root canal performed without benefit of a pain killer, this continues day after day. The pain is cumulative, ever present, and without end. It affects your very being, your essence, your soul, and you may embrace death to end that which seems to have no end in life.

a. The depressed fixate on a cause and on a cure. This is not always based on logic or reason, but on the desperate need to relieve the pain of depression.
- There is a certain comfort gained when we latch on to a cause of our depression. If we know the cause, then there must also be the possibility of a cure.
- The possibility of a cure helps give us a glimmer of hope in the future, a prospect desperately needed by the depressed.
- The depressed mind will gravitate towards that which affords immediate relief, without knowledge or awareness of that which would give lasting relief (that is to end depression)
- At first the depressed look for a cure which is easy or instant in nature (the quick fix). Having failed to gain immediate relief, which in itself can worsen depression, we may latch on to any number of possible cures.

b. The truth is the conscious depressed mind cannot, from within, determine either the cause or know the cure of depression. Depression is a chemical imbalance, the cause or trigger as yet unknown, which effects mood and emotions, over which the depressed has little or no control.

c. The need for immediate relief can become so strong that they may use physical pain in order to gain a small respite from the psychic pain of depression. Self mutilation, mind numbing obsessive compulsiveness, distortions of self image and self worth, over eating, taking drugs or alcohol, and a host of other disorders may have in common one (not the only one) underlying cause, the conscious or unconscious attempt to end the psychic pain of depression.

d. The depressed want negative feedback. They seek, remember and rationalize the negative and forget or discount the positive.

e. If forced upon them, the positive will anger and/or hurt the depressed. They have evidence to the contrary, as the positive has left their life and they see no prospect of it ever returning. (…)

f. The depressed think that their problems and pain are unique, they feel that they are all alone, and many times when first becoming depressed the symptoms of depression make them feel as though they are going crazy. They can feel all alone in the midst of (…) a loving family."

Worst things to say to someone who is depressed

The following article helps me realize how much I have goofed whenever one of my friends has been depressed:

"Some people trivialize depression (often unintentionally) by dropping a platitude on a depressed person as if that is the one thing they needed to hear. While some of these thoughts have been helpful to some people (for example, some find that praying is very helpful), the context in which they are often said mitigates any intended benefit to the hearer. Platitudes don't cure depression.

0. "What's *your* problem?"
1. "Will you stop that constant whining? What makes you think that anyone cares?"
2. "Have you gotten tired yet of all this me-me-me stuff?"
3. "You just need to give yourself a kick in the rear."
4. "But it's all in your mind."
5. "I thought you were stronger than that."
6. "No one ever said life was fair."
7. "As you get stronger you won't have to wallow in it as much."
8. "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps."
9. "Do you feel better now?" (Usually said following a five minute conversation in which the speaker has asked me "what's wrong?" and "would you like to talk about it?" with the best of intentions, but absolutely no understanding of depression as anything but an irrational sadness.)
10. "Why don't you just grow up?"
11. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself."
12. "There are a lot of people worse off than you"
13. "You have it so good, why aren't you happy?"
14. "It's a beautiful day!"
15. "You have so many things to be thankful for, why are you depressed!"
16. "What do you have to be depressed about?"
17. "Happiness is a choice"
18. "You think *you've* got problems..."
19. "Well at least it's not that bad."
20. "Maybe you should take vitamins for your stress."
21. "There is always somebody worse off than you are."
22. "Lighten up!"
23. "You should get off all those pills."
24. "You are what you think."
25. "Cheer up!"
26. "You're always feeling sorry for yourself."
27. "Why can't you just be normal?"
28. "Things aren't *that* bad, are they?"
29. "Have you been praying/reading the Bible?"
30. "You need to get out more."
31. "We have to get together some time." [Yeah, right!]
32. "Get a grip!"
33. "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
34. "Take a hot bath. That's what I always do when I'm upset."
35. "Well, everyone gets depressed sometimes!"
36. "Get a job!"
37. "Smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone."
38. "You don't *look* depressed!"
39. "You're so selfish!"
40. "You never think of anyone but yourself."
41. "You're just looking for attention."
42. "Have you got PMS?"
43. "You'll be a better person because of it!"
44. "Everybody has a bad day now and then."
45. "You should buy nicer clothes to wear."
46. "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar."
47. "Why don't you smile more?"
48. "A person your age should be having the time of your life."
49. "The only one you're hurting is yourself."
50. "You can do anything you want if you just set your mind to it." (…)"

Etc, you get the idea…

Better things to say to someone who is depressed

Another article in the same vein as below. It is simple, but rather counterintuitive. In summary:
- Say "I love you, I understand"
- No need to say anything else!

"It is  most tempting, when you find out someone is depressed, to attempt to immediately fix the problem.  However, until the depressed person has given you permission to be their therapist (as a friend or professional), the following responses are more likely to help.

The things that didn't make me feel worse are words which
1) acknowledge my depression for what it is (No 'it's just a phase')
2) give me permission to feel depressed (No 'but why should you be sad?')

"I love you!"
"I Care"
"You're not alone in this"
"I'm not going to leave/abandon you"
"Do you want a hug?"
"It will pass, we can ride it out together."
"When all this is over, I'll still be here and so will you."
"All I want to do know is give you a hug and a shoulder to cry on."
"Hey, you're not crazy!"
"I understand your pain and I empathize"
"I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I am not going to leave you. I am going to take care of myself so you don't need to worry that your pain might hurt me."
"I listen to you talk about it, and I can't imagine what it's like for you. I just can't imagine how hard it must be."
"I can't really fully understand what you are feeling, but I can offer my compassion."
"You are important to me.""

Advice for depressed people

Finally, advice for depressed people (found somewhere):

• "Learn as much as you can about the illness
• Make a list of what makes you feel better and what makes you feel worse
• Avoid the things that bring you down
• Try to function as near normal as possible
• Don't give up or give in
• Keep going to work, even if you are not functioning at top capacity
• Get up and go somewhere
• Do something
• Avoid isolation
• Be kind and gentle with yourself
• Help is available, and with help, there is hope."

Is it going to work between us?

The new girlfriend of my friend who has been fighting depression asks me whether I think it will work between them. Email to her:

"Everybody who has walked this earth and succeeded at something has done do for a single reason: they have had a VISION in their minds (often one that everybody else would have laughed at) and they have held that vision, unfaltering, and persevered and persevered to real-ize this vision, in spite of all the difficulties that arose.

This is true for a successful inventor, for a successful social worker, for a successful entrepreneur, for a successful actor, and for a successful love. Faith as some people would call this particular phenomenon. Or, I would say, avoid self-sabotaging (insecurity, fear, lack of courage, etc).

Do you have faith that he and you can live a wonderful love story and will conquer all the difficulties that you find on your path?

Do I have faith that I will be able to do (i.e. make a living from) what I feel I now want to do? (i.e. write about spiritual transformation / consciousness, etc).

Same question.

What you face with him, everyone faces with everyone and everything. The realization that it can be beautiful or that it can be ugly and that, at the end of the day, the decision is ours, we are the creators of our lives.

The true him is the one who loves you and who wants to make his life with you. The true him is the one who loves me as a friend. The true everyone is the one who is all-loving. Everything short of that is obscuration to remove as the Buddhists would put it. Inside is the diamond, the jewel, the Buddha. Everyone is a Buddha whether they know it or not as they say.

His illness is an obstacle. It is not an insurmountable obstacle. One of my friends just married a woman who suffers from manic depression. He was married to another woman who also suffered from manic depression for many years before that. The question for you is: do YOU want to surmount this obstacle? Life will always bring you difficulties and obstacles so that you can grow and learn and mature and evolve. I don't think it is fortuitous that he came into your life. Why did he come into your life, you think? Why him? Why did you fall in love with HIM and not someone else? I am sure you will find answers if you ask these questions. As we discussed the other day, a relationship is an interesting space where, first and foremost, we learn to know about... ourselves!

There are no incompatibilities between people -- there is only lacks of love, or fears of loving. Loving is accepting the other totally. This is our only hope to help them grow if we know they can grow. As soon as we stop accepting them, we also give up our hope to help them grow. This is my observation. Loving is accepting, understanding. There are no incompatibilities. Now there are people we select as life partners, and people we don't select as life partners. There are less people in the first category as there are in the second ;-). 

Anyway. Yes, look inside, through meditation or introspection or other tool (meditation is the best tool, it is like jogging for athletes if you wish), all the answers are there. Look inside of you and it will know what to do next - live this love to the fullest or go some other route. It will know what is good for you. YOU know what is good for you. And only YOU know this.

A last word on him. (...) When he is in a negative state, basically, he sees the world as a very dark place, he does not see the love, he feels unloved, he sees wrong behaviors from everybody around him, etc. So there is no point discussing with him on any of these "problems" that he identifies. What is needed is to remind him that he is sick and that this is the reason why he sees this or that situation as a negative (e.g. "darling, you are sick, this is why you are losing sight that I love you no matter which state you are in" or something like that). Generally this brings him back into his positive state (the real him) where you can spend a nice time together. I believe if we all focus on doing that he will fall less and less into the negative states (to which he is addicted, like cigarettes, exactly). He will, if you wish, rewire his neural networks to feel positive all the time. By the way you guys should go together see that movie What the bleep do we know, I think it will answer some of your concerns and you will understand better about all this. It explains in quite a funny way what is an emotion, how we are addicted to our mental states, etc.

As people around him, the WORST we can do for him is dwell with him in the negativity. This reinforces his habitual tendency (his addiction).

I believe he will get out of this, especially if we all love him and help him and understand what he is going through. I believe we are all getting much smarter in the process and learning a lot about ourselves!!"