After three blissful months in love with Richard, bliss seems to be fading away, again, escaping us... What is it we are doing wrong? Neither of us seems to know. Panic, sadness... I write to him:
"Everything scares me these days. Do I love you, do you love me? Fear opposes love, I can see this clearly. Fear = paralysis, love = action. I feel paralyzed, everything scares me, I don’t know why. Am I not able to love? Paralyzed by fear, by my lack of optimism? Can we fix this or will you give up first, tired of this immense "drain"? What do you think?
Maybe I should go see a "counselor" to talk about it? To talk about these fears, this confusion? (never done this). I know that a relationship is a "personal growth journey", it sheds light on many things about oneself, etc, it is not necessarily all easy and blissful. How is it that when we want to give the best of who we are to the one we love, it is the worst of ourself that comes out?
What is going on? Why don’t I simply trust you, and myself, to succeeed in this adventure, have a good time, be happy together? Is there a problem between us? An incompatibility? Have your feelings changed now that you know me better? Or mine? How do you see things? Does it scare you, this little low between us?
This distresses me a little. Is it just because I am bored? Actually, negative thoughts are winning over positive thoughts and I feel that this is what I am suffering from. But why?
I feel "high maintenance" for having this kind of feelings – I don’t want to take your time/energy, I would like to bring you only joy and simplify your life – I don’t want to say "you must do this or that for me to be happy", I don’t want to need you to be happy.
Let’s talk about these things. Maybe it is normal to have to talk about these things when we’ve been in a relationship for a few months. Go one step further. What do you expect, what do I expect, what does love mean to you, do you think you can be happy with someone like me, etc, etc. Let's not shy away from sharing our deepest feelings, or we may keep feeling that we are growing apart.
Yes, it may be that I am less "love-skilled" than someone who is less cerebral (this confusion I’m in now for example is symptomatic) and sometimes it seems to me that you and I are trapped in a "feedback loop": the more I doubt the more you doubt, etc. Can we turn the loop the other way: the more I trust our love, the more you trust our love, etc?
(…) I would like to hear what you feel, and if you think that there are things we can do, you, me, or both of us, to destroy these doubts, move forward fearlessly, and reconnect even more strongly. Are fears only on my side? Does this kind of exchange tire you? Do you think things should just happen naturally, without having to discuss? (this is the paradox that haunts me). Do you think it is a woman thing, this emotional instability? (I’m not really used to this, not really used to being a woman in fact).
Just a few thoughts. I think that, like me, you want to have a successful love life – with me or somebody else – so I know that we have the same objectives. I am aware that the image of myself I’ve been projecting, i.e. weakness and doubt, is not very attractive. Probably this is a burden to you, well this is a burden to me also, and I would like to change things, it doesn’t feel like this is the image that I typically project. Life doesn’t scare me, in general. Here, it is as if our nascent love was touching a sensitive spot. Something more difficult, more confusing. Maybe because it suddenly feels all so serious between us while we’re still a bit like teenagers… who knows. Maybe it’s just the way it is and not to worry, there is ebb and flow, there is inhalation and exhalation!
Maybe I need more feedback from you: how to love you better, what do you expect from me, what do you like and don’t you like. The state of doubt in which I am now is destructive: I dare not do, invent, undertake anything, and I think that this lowers your interest for me and creates this negative feedback… I don’t know.
Talking about it with open hearts will maybe help me see more clearly, and feel closer to you. Except if you would prefer not to have this type of discussion. I hope I am not bruising us… The fear again.
I’d like us not to let passion escape. Or is there nothing we can do? I know that it is work, a work of art, to love one another. And I have a tendency to contract into laziness/paralysis, which distresses me greatly.
I love you. Poorly, but I love you ;-)
I know that the response to my doubts is action. We must craft an action plan… Stop talking, start acting…"