What's In Your Mind?

Who am I on February 15, 2003?

Today is my 29th birthday. I am in Paris on a business trip and have invited all my Parisian friends to celebrate the event with me in a bar that I have rented for the occasion. I have just started my new job managing research programs on Climate Change for a Research Institute. More recently, I was doing Corporate Development (acquiring technology and buying companies) for a large software company. I have made this radical career change because I want to make more of a difference in the world, and I feel that Global Warming is a pressing problem that needs addressing. I know that, no matter how much I also liked my other job, I will feel more fulfilled working for the environment than working for a company that sells enterprise software… I feel that I have just made a bold life and career change, and I know that there will be no going back, as the Global Warming problem is there to stay and increase in the years to come… I know that more and more people will also come to work on trying to solve that daunting problem facing humanity.

I am single, have had several relationships that lasted a few months at most… I have not met "the right guy" yet. But I have many friends on both sides of the Atlantic Ocean, and it feels like family… I grew up in France, went to MIT for a couple of years, then moved to the San Francisco Bay area 4 years ago. I saw with amusement (and took part in) the "rise and fall" of the internet bubble, what a crazy time it was!

I don’t have a spiritual life. In fact, I don’t really know what that means. As I was reflecting on life/career goals at the end of my time at MIT, I know I wrote down that I wanted to "develop my spiritual life". Yet, I wouldn’t know where to start! Not with Christianity I suppose (I grew up a Catholic and was fairly interested in these questions as a child, but, like many people, bumped into some of the rigidities of the dogma, and gave up). "Spiritual" books? The closest I have come to spiritual books are some popular self-help books I’ve read, and which have greatly helped me with personal issues, such as Scott Peck’s Road Less Traveled or Steven Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

My personal philosophy is that "we are all One". I seem to have always visualized humanity as a big common root, and every human as a little plant stemming from that root. Seen from above the ground, you see all the little, separated plants, but seen from under the ground, you see this huge common root…

One of the important corollaries of that philosophy is that I have never felt jealous of another human being. I realize that every plant is there to "push the envelope", to explore the space around itself, wherever it finds itself to be, e.g. someone will become a ballet dancer, or a physician, or a top model, etc. I have never wanted to be someone else than who I was, as I have always felt very deeply that "they are me and I am them", i.e. that we are all One. I shared that philosophy with a friend one day, and he told me: "Your philosophy is like that of the Dalai Lama".

One of my main qualities is "intellectual honesty", which I would rather label an insatiable drive towards knowing. Acquiring knowledge, synthesizing knowledge, and sharing knowledge seem to have emerged as my key talents in my professional life. My last boss, when I quit, told me: "You are a Renaissance person". What a compliment! I see my recent career move as a move towards the Truth: I know (from the time when I was researching the subject at MIT) that the Earth is warming up due to rising levels of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere, so, instead of digging my head in the sand like an ostrich, I want to work at uncovering more knowledge about it, and spreading that knowledge wherever it needs to go.

But for now, time to dance and celebrate!

Existential crisis

Letter to my friend Mat:

"I am not being myself, Mat. I am not giving my talents to this world. I am truly unhappy at work and I have always been. I feel guilty all the time yet I don't seem to be able to do anything about it. It makes me feel so bad... I think the little depression I just went through may have happened to show me something there. I am tired of wondering what the hell am I on earth to do, to accomplish, I seem not to see it. Lots of noise from my parents' expectations, from my schools' expectations, from the necessity (that I perceive) of being able to provide for myself, and maybe for a family, i.e. make money, etc, and I have not found my true self.

I need to do some serious personal laundry. I need some guidance. Spiritual, or whatever. I need to take a break and find the flow again and go with it. I am not, I am forcing myself, I am resisting (what?), I am suffering.

(…) Right now I feel that I would like to write (I know, who doesn't?) but no, I would really like to write, I know I have a talent for writing, and a passion for it. But never wrote anything else than letters to my friends and emails... (and work stuff) sounds truly laughable, no?

Why does it seem so hard for me to be in touch with my true self? What is it I am holding to that prevents me from seeing the light? Or am I just dysfunctional, insane, antisocial, or inadapted to society?

Any clue?"

Do what makes you happy

At a conference in Washington, DC, I write the following letter to my boyfriend Richard (Richard and I started dating in March):

"I escaped from the meeting, I don’t feel at ease at all. Yes you are right, I must invent new success criteria for myself as those I was offered don’t seem to fit – making lots of money and having lots of responsibilities; I don’t think it is my thing. I don’t fit in "the mold", I don’t feel like it at all. I feel like being some kind of a "prophet" (see the type of ambition!), no but, seriously, this is more how I see myself. I was thinking about my buddy who is a rabbi – actually I think I would have liked this kind of job, spiritual guide… hmm, this is something I should explore. It is time I started a real introspection, without giving too much weight to my education, others’ expectations, etc. That I concentrate on finding what will make me happy.

When I was at MIT, the speakers at my Commencement were… brothers Click and Clack, local celebrities: they have a radio show on NPR where people call about their car problems and they provide solutions – and it is all very funny. They came right after Bill Clinton, Kofi Annan, etc – so it was a bit of a joke. But both Click and Clack happen to be MIT alumni and their speech was incredibly inspirational, and I think now is the time where I need to draw inspiration from it. They told us their story: after MIT, they became engineers, doing like boring routine jobs, then one day one of them had a bad car accident and almost died and he realized that he was wasting his life doing something he didn’t like. He gave his resignation, and so did his brother, and, their passion being auto mechanics, they started a mechanics shop where people would come, use their tools, and learn how to repair their own cars. Then, one thing leading to another, they became the famous radio stars. That is the story of Click and Clack.

And their quite unusual message to the 2,000 MIT graduates and their families that year: find out what makes you happy, and do it, and do it now, while you're young, don’t procrastinate, etc. So, I need to find my mechanics shop, and hopefully I won’t need to go through a near-death experience for that. But I can feel that the corporate world, etc, is not it.

(…) I am not very creative… but I’m good at expressing others’ ideas. I can pretty much explain anything to anyone. My ex-boyfriend was always telling me: "You are a teacher".  Plus I love this: acquire knowledge and diffuse it. What to do now?

(…) "Things" don't matter to me much. I realize we need them and I'm happy to have them (cars, planes, contact lenses, cell phones) but being part of the big machinery that creates and offers and maintains them is not what I believe I should be doing with my life. Am I wrong and do I need a better brainwashing to become more of a productive element in society? Not rare to hear from others when I tell my story that I am just "a little girl who is never satisfied"! But this is untrue I think.

(…) Bizarre time it feels, floating in limbo..... Who do I want to be? What do I want to achieve in my life?"

Is love fading away... again?

After three blissful months in love with Richard, bliss seems to be fading away, again, escaping us... What is it we are doing wrong? Neither of us seems to know. Panic, sadness... I write to him:

"Everything scares me these days. Do I love you, do you love me? Fear opposes love, I can see this clearly. Fear = paralysis, love = action. I feel paralyzed, everything scares me, I don’t know why. Am I not able to love? Paralyzed by fear, by my lack of optimism? Can we fix this or will you give up first, tired of this immense "drain"? What do you think?

Maybe I should go see a "counselor" to talk about it? To talk about these fears, this confusion? (never done this). I know that a relationship is a "personal growth journey", it sheds light on many things about oneself, etc, it is not necessarily all easy and blissful. How is it that when we want to give the best of who we are to the one we love, it is the worst of ourself that comes out?

What is going on? Why don’t I simply trust you, and myself, to succeeed in this adventure, have a good time, be happy together? Is there a problem between us? An incompatibility? Have your feelings changed now that you know me better? Or mine? How do you see things? Does it scare you, this little low between us?

This distresses me a little. Is it just because I am bored? Actually, negative thoughts are winning over positive thoughts and I feel that this is what I am suffering from. But why?

I feel "high maintenance" for having this kind of feelings – I don’t want to take your time/energy, I would like to bring you only joy and simplify your life – I don’t want to say "you must do this or that for me to be happy", I don’t want to need you to be happy.

Let’s talk about these things. Maybe it is normal to have to talk about these things when we’ve been in a relationship for a few months. Go one step further. What do you expect, what do I expect, what does love mean to you, do you think you can be happy with someone like me, etc, etc. Let's not shy away from sharing our deepest feelings, or we may keep feeling that we are growing apart.

Yes, it may be that I am less "love-skilled" than someone who is less cerebral (this confusion I’m in now for example is symptomatic) and sometimes it seems to me that you and I are trapped in a "feedback loop": the more I doubt the more you doubt, etc. Can we turn the loop the other way: the more I trust our love, the more you trust our love, etc?

(…) I would like to hear what you feel, and if you think that there are things we can do, you, me, or both of us, to destroy these doubts, move forward fearlessly, and reconnect even more strongly. Are fears only on my side? Does this kind of exchange tire you? Do you think things should just happen naturally, without having to discuss? (this is the paradox that haunts me). Do you think it is a woman thing, this emotional instability? (I’m not really used to this, not really used to being a woman in fact).

Just a few thoughts. I think that, like me, you want to have a successful love life – with me or somebody else – so I know that we have the same objectives. I am aware that the image of myself I’ve been projecting, i.e. weakness and doubt, is not very attractive. Probably this is a burden to you, well this is a burden to me also, and I would like to change things, it doesn’t feel like this is the image that I typically project. Life doesn’t scare me, in general. Here, it is as if our nascent love was touching a sensitive spot. Something more difficult, more confusing. Maybe because it suddenly feels all so serious between us while we’re still a bit like teenagers… who knows. Maybe it’s just the way it is and not to worry, there is ebb and flow, there is inhalation and exhalation!

Maybe I need more feedback from you: how to love you better, what do you expect from me, what do you like and don’t you like. The state of doubt in which I am now is destructive: I dare not do, invent, undertake anything, and I think that this lowers your interest for me and creates this negative feedback… I don’t know.

Talking about it with open hearts will maybe help me see more clearly, and feel closer to you. Except if you would prefer not to have this type of discussion. I hope I am not bruising us… The fear again.

I’d like us not to let passion escape. Or is there nothing we can do? I know that it is work, a work of art, to love one another. And I have a tendency to contract into laziness/paralysis, which distresses me greatly.

I love you. Poorly, but I love you ;-)

I know that the response to my doubts is action. We must craft an action plan… Stop talking, start acting…"

Evolution: the missing piece

Richard suggests that I read a book: The Celestine Prophecy. Intrigued by his insistence, I buy it. The cover says: "a book that comes along once in a lifetime to change lives forever", "the book that will come to define our decade", etc. How dramatic! I have never read a book with such endearing appraisals!

I am a little skeptical of course, but start reading it in earnest, and find the first few chapters a little boring, triggering a distinct "but I already know this!" feeling (i.e. I already know that we are all One, that matter can be construed as energy, that time is what you make of it, etc). But it only makes me more impatient to see what's coming next, so I continue reading eagerly.

And upon reaching Chapter 5, "The message of the mystics", everything changes: I know that I am now hitting a piece that was until now missing in my "we are all One philosophy/worldview", a piece that makes it much more complete, and that makes things that did not fit until now, now fit together. It feels like a light has been turned on where earlier there was darkness and confusion. The missing piece: EVOLUTION! In other words (and this is the first time I look at things that way), my "we are all One" philosophy works also through time and -- consequently -- does not stop at the human family: we are all One Big Thing unfolding through time, from matter to life to animal life to human life…

The other thing is that I realize for the first time in my life that the experience described in the book as a "mystic experience" I have actually HAD! When I was 13, at a summer camp in the mountains, I had an experience of indescribably profound bliss/understanding, but, not knowing how to relate to it in my ordinary life, I had sort of put that experience in parentheses to see if it would re-occur (it never really did) or if I would find tools to interpret it (I never sought, not found any... until... today!) I remember distinctly (how could I forget?) how it felt back then, the incredible feeling of bliss and insight, and the supernatural beauty of nature, and this is pretty much how the experience is described in the book!

Somehow everything is starting to make more sense, I feel much closer to "knowing what's going on" than before I opened the book, I am vibrating with excitement!

Oh NO, NOT religion!

Reading the Celestine Prophecy has made me somewhat restless. I write to my friend Sasha from New York, who I suspect is "on to something": last time we met, he was just back from a week-end with, said he, "a very good teacher", and the week-end seemed to have on him an effect similar to that which this book has just had on me now, so I feel I should give it a shot! I understand that by teacher, he means "teacher of life", "wise man", i.e. someone who could somehow help me understand further "what this is all about". I ask him: "So, who is that teacher you mentioned?"

He sends me an internet link. I click on the link and…. What a shock! I think: "Oh NO, NOT religion! This can’t be!" The link points to Lama Ole Nydhal, a Buddhist teacher from Denmark who has greatly contributed to bringing Tibetan Buddhism into the West, by setting up many buddhist centers there. Never did I suspect that his "teacher" would have had anything to do with religion. Moment of panic. So, is this where the "path" leads to then? Religion…? Is this where it all ends up? I am appalled at what is going on, almost ashamed, wish I had not started seeking….

However, I get over my aversion for anything religious, and decide to give it an honest try, as, after all, I know nothing about Buddhism: I order from Amazon the book from Lama Ole Nydhal that he recommends...

Starting the search for knowledge

Now, apart from my friend Sasha who pointed me to Buddhism, I have no idea who to turn to to discuss "these things": to my knowledge, nobody I know knows anything about it!

I find another ally nonetheless: my new friend Fabienne from work. I share with her my newfound excitement and I can see that she totally relates! She knows nothing about Buddhism; her thing is yoga. I start understanding that this "thing" I am excited about is "spirituality", and that yoga and Buddhism are two "spiritual paths", i.e. methods to probe into the great mystery of life… For now, I am very thirsty for knowledge, i.e. books.

I ask her if she has "spiritual" books to recommend. She recommends Hands of Light from Barbara Ann Brennan, a book about Energy Healing, a subject touched upon in The Celestine Prophecy (so… it really exists!) and Thought Power, a manual from Swami Sivananda, the founder of her school of yoga. I get them both right away. She also invites me to do a yoga retreat with her, and I accept!

I can feel the trailhead is near

The dialogue started with my friend Sasha continues: I ask him questions about his path. He tells me that the path he is following (the Buddhist path) is 3-fold: the goal: "a state of permanent joy in experiencing the world the way it is", the way: "skillful meditations and other methods that allow us to reach the goal", the structure: "the whole body of teachings, vast and profound". He says: "believe me, life is getting happier and more joyful with each passing day - even when I refuse to believe it." He says that I might want to check out the Diamond Way Buddhist Center in San Francisco.

Hmm... the "spiritual path"... It sounds appealing, but what does it really mean for me? I can hardly picture myself meditating every day... How long will it take to get there, even if I start practicing meditation now? 7 years, 12 years? What he says is exciting, but the task of "spiritual growth" seems daunting, somehow reserved to an elite of people with out-of-this-world strong will power...

Also, I feel that I cannot wait that long! My restlessness is reaching an all-time high, and I decide to throw all my pressing existential questions on a carefully crafted email that I send him, hoping to get an answer:

"Tell me what really matters to you
Tell me what you consider important
Tell me if there is a goal besides experiencing the joy in experiencing the world the way it is - or if this IS the goal
Tell me if there is an "evolutionary" goal (bringing the Universe to some place it IS NOT yet - did you catch a glimpse of where?) and if you know what the role of Humanity in this evolutionary goal is - and what your role is
Tell me if I should look for my role in this goal (looks like your answer might be no there isn't any, or it is not our prerogative to take any role in this)
Then tell me what use you (will) do of the energy of the Universe that you are generating/holding
Tell me what the humanistic perspective of the teachings is
Tell me what the infinite potential you are talking about is
And how does it unfold through you?
And how does it unfold through me?
And how does it unfold through Humanity?

I quite agree that difficulties, confusion, mal de vivre etc are an energy booster, that they are my friends, and I welcome them as such (see, it makes me reach out and push doors open!). I accept it all, I accept all that has befallen to me since I was born - my family, my experiences, my health, my finiteness, my petty achievements, etc. I see I am a tiny part of the big Whole, and that you are me and I am you because there is only one thing.

I want to know what to DO with all this, all this endowment + past path of mine, what the piece of the Universe that I am is supposed to bring back to the Whole. I suppose with peace of mind and more rigorous learning I will find out. I was curious to know if you have. I will be restless until I do. It is very GOOD to hear about your path.

Thank you so much for sharing with me. I am looking forward to following the joyful path of learning and finding things out!

I will first read Lama Ole’s book and then go to the Diamond Way center in San Francisco. I am also starting to explore yoga more seriously (encountered Sivananda yoga, a quite "holistic" school of yoga, if you've heard of it, at the very least the breathing and asanas are doing wonders with my marathon training!)

At least I am on the move again, I can feel the trailhead is near...!"

The Way Things Are

I receive that Buddhist book The Way Things Are and start reading it. What a surprise! It does not feel "religious" at all (from my early memories of Catholicism). On the contrary, it reads like a guide on how to live a more harmonious, more joyous life! Pretty much everything sounds reasonable, and, in fact, it spells out my personal secret wisdom (e.g. "we are all One", what you see is what you are, etc) but goes much further and deeper.

I am quite stunned that what is written in this book resonates so easily with me while I HAVE NEVER HAD ACCESS TO SUCH KNOWLEDGE (despite pretty extensive schooling)!! But it maybe that, if you had told me a year ago to read a Buddhist book, I would have yawned... I start wondering why these kinds of things are not taught in school, or by our parents, and start realizing that there must be a vast expanse of such knowledge already written that I have not accessed yet...

We are what we think

As I truly enjoyed The Way Things Are, I buy Teachings of the Buddha for another dose of Buddhist wisdom. Buddha seems to concur with Sivananda. He writes:

"We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts we make the world.
Speak or act with an impure mind
And trouble will follow you
As the wheel follows the ox that draws the cart.

We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts we make the world.
Speak or act with a pure mind
And happiness will follow you
As your shadow, unshakable."