What's In Your Mind?

On the mountaintop

Last Saturday, I went through what can be called a "mystical experience", i.e. I found myself in an unspeakable, never-explored-before state of consciousness best described as absolute ecstasy coupled with absolute knowledge. I felt I was "sitting on God’s lap" for a few hours. I could see the whole universe and the beginning of times and the end of times and the smallness of my own life in the middle of it, and I was laughing, laughing at it (inside), at all the petty concerns that I had busied my consciousness with so many times: money, resentment, calculating… I was laughing so hard! Useless to say all the answers to my existential questions came to me, and much, much more…

I "came down from the mountaintop" knowing that I would never, after this episode of transcendence, be the same again… that I would from now on dedicate my life to climbing that mountain again, or at least heading resolutely towards the top! It feels like life is starting anew... Here is some significantly toned-down email to my friend Sasha trying to describe "reasonably", i.e. without sounding absolutely insane, the experience and its impact on me:

"I was like thrown into the "other world" seeing "this world", like I threw myself in the dual universe to solve problems that cannot be solved in the original universe. It was truly incredible and I am going to devote some time now to analyze this experience and draw whatever I can from this trip in the dual universe to help me with my trip in this visible universe... (like I understand now that my trip here in the material world is just instrumental to helping with the reality of that world made of energy and thoughts) I don't have the words to talk about these things (I need to learn), and the words I choose may sound tacky to you, but I believe that I am on a similar path that you have been on, wanting to now focus on pursuing my journey there (the spiritual world? or whatever you call it) after what I know was just a peek into that world. I want to be more in touch with that world in my life here, and I know that it is in/around me. (…)

This experience made profound changes in me, it is quite incredible. What I saw was so beautiful that I am back in "this" life with an incredible energy and appetite for life. Any feeling of scarcity of time or other limitation that I generally set for myself is gone. I feel I can accomplish about as much as I desire. (…) I feel I can make an impact, change the world, I feel every time I give energy to the world it goes out in waves and transforms it... it is absolutely incredible. Seeing eternity has given me (i.e. the instance of Being that I am, here and now) an amazing boost of energy to accomplish great things in my "mortal", finite life here, to live every minute like it could be the last, like it truly matters (I could SEE how everything you do matters). Oh my god. So much bliss. Makes me want to study, study, and live, and prolong this bliss into my life... (…) Right now a lot to process and modify! (make the changes truly effective in my life). (…)

A couple of insights I gained from the experience and am bringing into my everyday life:

• Full awareness of what my "sphere of responsibility" (or action) is: what it is I can act upon, what it is I cannot. Double freedom: whatever I say or do is of utmost importance (taking responsibility) / whatever happens to me (health, money, speeding ticket) is of no importance.
• Major side effect: got rid of the heavy burden of being concerned by things I cannot change.
• Corollary: freed up my memory big time! For the first time in years, direct access to lots of old memories. I do not complain from memory loss anymore (I had for a while). Joy of digging into tons of old memories, whenever I want.
• Corollary of the corollary: my life is coherent again. I see the path I created for myself through every mini-decision I've ever made. I see the logic, I understand what I am about, my history. I now have guidance as to what I'll do next. I am whole again (vs. some incoherent sum of moments).
• Other incredible side effect: no more fear. Fear (of everything, especially small things) is gradually receding in my life. Feel so incredibly light and free! (…)
• Clarity... clarity of mind, clarity of purpose. It's LITERALLY like getting out of a very foggy patch.
• I am the "CEO" of every project I undertake or carry out.... indeed...who else?
• I realize the incredible potential for action I have in my little sphere of action... I realize everything I say or do potentially has tremendous consequences. I have gotten rid of all the barriers I had set to myself (money, etc)...

OK - just a couple of things I wanted to share with you (there's much, much more!!). (…) Realizing that we are an instance of the infinite Being bounded by the parameters of our finite living-on-earth... aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

En route to Burning Man!

I am about to join 30,000 people out in the Nevada desert for Burning Man, "an annual experiment in temporary community dedicated to radical self-expression and radical self-reliance". I am still at work while my friends have already left to set up our camp there. I’m flying there tomorrow. And, of course, in the meantime, I cannot work at all: all I do is surf Burning Man website and discussion board.

My heart is thumping in my chest in expectation, this is probably the most intense feeling of the sort that I have ever experienced… in my whole life! Quite incredible. I know that this will be a life-changing experience. I have spent the past few week-ends and evenings helping my friend Mat and others of my Burning Man campmates build the House of Folly, a two-story pagoda-style house/temple that will serve as accommodation for us there, as well as as a comfortable lounging area for the community.

Back from Burning Man

I am back from Burning Man. Wooh! What a trip! I feel about 5 years older than I was a week ago. Another whole layer of personal growth, a deluge of realizations about who I am, all stacked up in a few days’ time. Burning Man. 30,000 people coming together to co-create the ideal conditions for enjoying a joint peak experience, an experience that imprints in your body, mind and soul a whole new idea of the heights of the experience of being human.

Take 30,000 people. Bring them in the desert, a hundred miles away from the next city. Remove all the things in life that, at times, separate one from joy: cars, money, buying and selling, stiff ideas about what life is about, etc. Have each of them bring with him/her the best of what they want to offer to others: art, music, food, drinks, parties, games, colors, kindness, fun, etc. And get a true taste of heaven on earth. This is Burning Man.

In addition to what seemed like an uninterrupted stream of personal realizations about the great mystery of life, I was also blessed with another major "mystical episode" there, somehow even stronger than the last one. Woosh – how strong that was! I cannot put into words, and won’t try to. But the whole Burning Man experience is, in a way, nothing less than a mystic experience: a real-life experience in realizing our fundamental connectedness to each other, the impermanence of all things physical, and the law of cause and effect that rules the manifested world. I won’t say much more – words will fall short no matter how hard I try. Just come and experience for yourself!

In the meantime, you may want to check out the Burning Man website (e.g. check out the pictures!) and maybe you will get the beginning of an idea of what it is. But don’t, please don’t, try to fit it in any pre-conceived notion you have of what it could be! It is NOT like anything you have ever experienced or even heard of. You may also try to connect with your local Burning community.

I told my parents on the phone today: "Burning Man is the edge of evolution".

House of Folly!

  And what a surprise: while I was away at Burning Man, I made the cover of the local newspaper!

Here is the associated article (interview of my friend Mat). Also, here’s a pic of me at the event setting up the Folly!

It's over

My boyfriend Richard just left me. Things had been going South between us for the past few months, to our joint dismay – as we seemed so "made for each other" on paper. But we were never able to reverse the downward spiral that we started to spot back in May, and our love slowly dwindled. "We are like oil and water", he writes. We don’t seem to mix well.

I know very well that things were not working between us, so I accept the break as something that needed to happen. I’m not the kind of person to cling to some illusory romance. Some kind of break was needed.

Nonetheless, Richard is the person closest to me right now, and I hope and assume that we will stay friends, that we will stay close. He is on the same page, it seems…

First meditation: it works!

In New York City for the marathon that I am not able to run because of a stress fracture, I seek advice from my friend Sasha, who earlier pointed me towards Buddhism. I ask him: "So, does meditation really work?" He tells me: "Well, why don’t you try? Do this: sit with your back straight, close your eyes, and start breathing focusing on your breath. You may want to count your breaths: 21, 20, 19, etc, to 1."

In the flight back to San Francisco, I take a leap of faith and decide to give it a try. I close my eyes and start watching my breath and counting... And surprise: it works! It is subtle; I can tell it is a whole different world… I feel that meditation induces a mild "altered state of consciousness" that reminds me of my trip to the mountain top, as it also induces clarity and well-being… I understand that this is a step in the right direction, and that meditation is my surest ally if I want to reach the mountain top again… or at least move upwards.

Tony Robbins

In addition to getting started with meditation, I also actually followed my cousin’s advice and read Tony Robbins’ Awaken the Giant Within, as I know that, in essence, Robbins does the same job as spiritual teachers do: help people know themselves better and grow into their full potential as a human being. I shared this finding with my Buddhist friend Sasha, but he replied that serious meditative practice is the only way to transform oneself. Hmm… Is it? My reply:

"One more word about Robbins: the reason I think it is of interest is that – and maybe it's just me – I believe it is important to fully understand some of the paths towards a joyful and fulfilled life taken by people in our culture – as it can help us communicate more effectively with our peers...

I do believe like you do that a spiritual practice, like some of the things we are exploring, is one of the most powerful tools out there. Robbins doesn't really talk about it – although some of the visualizations he talks about are somewhat comparable to meditation. It is actually funny to see how there is no spiritual thread to what he talks about, yet, without a doubt – Buddhist teachers and Robbins are talking about the same thing.

What Robbins says (about pleasure/pain, energy, beliefs, states of mind, identity, etc) is already a stretch to many (I learnt a lot of good stuff!!) – but his language is understandable to all, while some of the Buddhist/Eastern stuff may sound esoteric to some – I for example already encounter a number of strong, bizarre reactions when I drop the word Buddhist at some friend's gatherings!

I recognize that Tony provides no real tool if you do not commit to his methods (no transcendence aspect) but
- what he talks about IS enlightenment, awakening
- he HAS helped many, undeniably, awaken.
Therefore, he IS a spiritual teacher, one that points to your Self."

After I put the book down (and because I did not, in fact, commit to his methods, while I know he offers workshops, tapes, etc, to practice them), there is, in fact and indeed, not much else remaining in me besides the sweet memory of the high that reading the book created. Practice is the key, I know…

First visit to a Buddhist meditation center

I just went for the first time to the Diamond Way meditation center to take part in their regular guided meditation. Hmm, what to think of it? Of course, nothing "extraordinary" happened... (how can I not compare with my own recent peak experiences, last July and August?)

My friend Sasha recommends that I attended a meditation retreat with Lama Ole Nydhal, to get another true taste of the mountaintop… I register to one in April in San Francisco, and one in May in Texas.

Fear

Email to Sasha:

"I fear sometimes that this is taking me away from my "normal" life, or, say, the way I thought my life was going to be (despite the lack of clarity of it all). Things like visions I had that I should dedicate my life to helping others, etc. It SCARES me (I believe for example that it may help explain my recent break-up: I once had the strong vision, that I shared with him, that I was not in this life to bear children). It just is, but it is all scary in a way, like sometimes I would like to not look at the light, to not follow the path… To go back...? but it's one-way, right...? I can see that. So it's only fear... but maybe it is holding me back a little. Like I wanted to know my "calling" in life, but the more it seems to disclose itself to me, the more I want to close my eyes... there is a bit of that.

I know the things I am discovering make a lot of sense, it makes everything fit, as you put it, etc. It is not really possible to go back and erase this knowledge from me now. I am just wondering why we are not more people to share these things (and probably it's because I'm just "joining in" so I don't know many people) and I can see that I have a large part of responsibility in this, in sharing with others. I see the path has the potential to be hard... and I wish I had a companion sometimes...

I was sharing with you what I guess I should interpret as growing pains... Sometimes disbelief, questioning, sometimes just fear. Sometimes wondering if it is not just a construction of our minds.... do you ever have such doubts? Do you have, or have you had, "growing pains"?

Maybe it will go away when I get the regular connection from meditating... Guess it's a whole process I'm just starting and all of this is just legitimate. I feel it's worth it anyway, cause being in the dark was painful also (but being a child has its good moments!).

As you put once, once you've seen the ocean, when you're back in the forest, you find the river and start walking..."

The dark night of the soul

In Milan for a conference, I fall into a state of depression, triggered by my ex-boyfriend Richard having in effect almost stopped communicating with me, while I thought we would instead stay close friends after the break-up. Letter to my friend Kathrin:

"Bad news, I am TOTALLY depressed again today. Lonely, I slept most of today (i.e. didn't prepare my presentation, didn't go to the conference), feel like crying anytime something goes slightly wrong. No joy, no energy, no hope. (...)

Also because of Richard. He sent me a one-liner telling me he was busy and didn't have time to read my email. I sent him another one... but I PROMISE this is the last one on the topic. I've said the same thing 3 times, there is no point ever telling this again. I need to just endure the suffering. And stop this contraction on him that is killing me.

Don't be too harsh on me. I am depressed now - like you were after you moved to Paris. It's been 2-3 weeks now, or even more and I was in denial, i.e. it is no small thing. A typical post-beak-up depression. Which could have been avoided if Richard was behaving lovingly but he isn't and I need to accept it, i.e. go through the pain. I can't believe it, I seemed to be on such a happy groove for months. I feel shame, and disbelief."

Email to Richard, from Milan (our communication is mostly one-way now):

"What happens is I am going through a depression now. It's been 2-3 weeks now so I guess it can be called that. The D-word you seem to never have encountered. But you have probably heard that it happens to the best of us, that it is a disease, like a flu. 

Depression is a general state of unhappiness that affects all areas of our lives. They are commonly triggered by events: typically, death, divorce, job loss, break-up. My depression happens to be triggered by your "lack of care" - i.e. it would have been avoided had you been more skillful at figuring out how to care for me at this time (but I know it is not your "fault"! there is no fault here, just my disease). It is not caused by the break-up itself, I know as well as you do that things were not working between us. I accept this fact. (…)

I was trying to let you know this so that maybe you could change your behavior to help me (like I am asking all my friends now to be gentle with me because I am depressed).

It is not happening, for some reason (guess when we were together we had smaller versions of it happening - you had no clue what to do when I felt "down") so I know I need to just go through the suffering and wait until it goes away, courageously, on my own. It is hard to live in constant pain. Again, you could have greatly helped, and I wanted to guide you, but I suppose it turned you off. I apologize for all this.

I am sharing this with you because depression is something real and objective that maybe you will encounter again in your life - not in yourself probably, but maybe in loved ones. I wish it did not exist.

I don't know how long it will last. Not too long, hopefully, so I can be my full self again.

With enduring affection and fond memories,

Annelene (or the little that is left of her at this time)."