OK, I was told my initial 4 posts for today were a little "raw" and personal :-), so I deleted them, and here is just a summary of the story: my boyfriend and I hit a rough spot in our relationship about a week ago and decided to take some time apart to think things through. This time was like a journey into the dark side for me with break-up-like symptoms: broken heart, obsession with the relationship, loss of appetite, and generally going through a variety of disturbing states of mind: fear, anger, etc, while defocusing from most of my own projects. [Note: we are now, April 18, all rekindled and back together!]
In the midst of all this, however, and here is the good news, I was able to also see in this an important milestone in my spiritual journey, like a "test", so I was also feeling a lot of joy at this opportunity that was presenting itself to demonstrate whether I have learnt anything useful on the spiritual path so far…
For example, practising deep relaxation through the past week showed me that, indeed, you cannot be deeply relaxed AND in pain. (Try it!) Also, I was able to practice equanimity to a certain extent. I wrote to a friend:
"I'm growing through this too – this is good. This is the good stuff of life. I am quite happy to see that I am managing to welcome my pain with as much equanimity as I welcome my happiness. I'm holding them both in my hand the same way – no preference for one or the other. Both are interesting (pain is actually even more interesting!) (…) I feel that I can see how much I've grown now... you need ordeals to know if you have grown spiritually or not! I'm very grateful for "being put to the test" here. I can really see that I am NOT the person I was before. That I hold to my center no matter what happens – I don't get lost. So this is good."
On Saturday, though, the pain reached a peak and was starting to blind me (all I felt like doing was letting him know how much I was hurt). Instead, however, I decided to try and get into a higher state of consciousness by meditating, see if I would be able to see things more clearly.
I started meditating, and an amazing thing happened: I entered into a sort of mystical state again, a state of great clarity of insight and bliss. And this time, for the first time ever, I started writing in my journal while in that state. It was pretty much "automatic writing": I didn’t really know what I was writing as I was writing it, it just flowed from my hand, like in a state of hypnosis. This experience of mystical insight and automatic writing was quite interesting in itself but, more importantly, it totally transformed the way I view the current situation. I can see how this situation, far from being a curse, is actually an incredible opportunity for my boyfriend and I to get to know each other better and deeper. The episode threw me back in a state of complete, solid joy. I totally quit my obsession with the situation, while it paralyzed me all through the past week, and am back doing my own business.
Also, in the state I am now, there is no attachment to the outcome. I know that my only job here is to love him, to do nothing but loving him, but the result strictly doesn’t matter. All that matters is that we both grow from this, which is the case. I can see how pain comes ONLY from non-loving. When you love, there is no pain. I trust (and know) that my soul and his soul will be able to realize their respective callings in this life – whether it is to bundle up, or whether it is not.
Some excerpts from my "cosmic writing" experience:
"All is nothing and nothing is all. When I move, the entire universe moves. There is all but one consciousness. I access it now. We are all the Whole. There is nothing outside of us. It’s all a big game that’s being played. There is only one of us. Wake up! It’s about seeing where it’s going. It can go any way we want. At any minute. We can change everything. Everyone of us can change everything. It’s enough to WANT it. (...) There's only one of us. (...) If you recognize the whole, then you ARE the whole, and you can move it the way you want. (...) The more you know, the more is asked of you. (...) Let go when you don’t know the answer. No need to torture yourself, let go, even if it looks big. Big or small is all the same, it is just to name things. In fact there is only one thing happening, all the time. It’s all the same so you have to go with the biggest act of love. (...) You can push things in any direction you want, through space and "time", at any time you want. There is only one moment, things altering each other. One change in one part of the web = the whole web changes. (...)
You cannot do everything. Just do what you can and leave clues for the next person. I mean, the rest of the web, to give them an incentive to move things in one direction or the other. Be the clue. Let your life be the clue. I think it is better, in this case, to announce the victory of love over doubt and gloom. (...) It is better to inspire with love than with discourses. (...)
It’s the concept of fractals. You move one piece on the game, and it is a different game altogether! We choose to memorize what we want. [What I’m trying to say is how we also impact the past from the present]. There is no reality. Nothing is real in reality. You make it ALL (in its smallest details) up completely right now. You choose everything. (...). You see, every action affects the whole. (...) You make it all up in your mind, there is no other tool. Your One Mind. How do I access the Whole? You let go. You trust the process, you relax. It’s OK whatever role you are playing. You are being them all at once. The victory of love. This is what to demonstrate. (...)
This is the victory of love. You must make love triumph inside of you because this is the only place there is. And the more you develop the love within yourself, the more you can alter the Whole. Because the more love you have, the further you reach in your embrace to include as many souls as possible, the more you become the One and then there is no choice, you must just play your role. (...) Love you will find in depth. Show your love! Dig in! It is in depth, not in variety. You stop being harsh, you start being loving. Act without regard for the outcome. Just do the most loving thing to do (often when it is painful it is it! But take only a pain that you can take). (...)
We are all one. Sometimes you see it when you look at a person. You see it in their eyes. There is a recognition. (...) If you gather, then it is stronger, you put more of alike energy together in one spot. So you get more power when you gather together. You must seek to gather with others. By definition you’ll get better results. (...)
Cultivate Love in yourself. This is the only work to do. (...) Know who you are (God) and where you are (God’s mind). You are God’s mind. I trust the process. Let me just relax into it and manifest more joy, more humor, etc. Why do I take everything so seriously? It is stern! Nothing is for real! Just relax! RELAX! Let this one happen, it will all be for the better, because you know where you are going. You are pulling the string of Love. You can select. There is the great quality. Being able to select which string to pull. All the strings exist for everyone all the time but not everyone picks them up. Most people can’t see many strings. They just see 2 or 3 that they can pull, the rest is in the dark. The more they go on the spiritual path, the more they know about skillful response to events, because they see more strings that they can pull. (...)
Reincarnation is obvious once it is understood that there is no time. Time is a dimension that we have invented and have forgotten that we have invented. So we pretend it’s real. While in fact it’s not. Same in space: we are one through space also. You are the Whole across time and space. You are everything that has ever existed. When you die, you think you die, but in fact you don’t die. You will just recondense at another time. All of space and time is within your embrace. For this you need to love more, this is the only path here. (...) The victory of love over non-love, this is all it is. (...)
The only path to Love is to love. (...) I am learning (slowly) to not act impulsively on my emotions. Emotions are not real, you make them up, so it doesn’t make sense to act on them, except if it is to express the Greatest Love. Use emotions, good and bad, only [as opposed to being used by them to do things you don’t really want to do]. (...)
When you hold love in your heart, and just love, YOU DON’T SUFFER. (...) Follow the light. Seek the light in others. Look for the light in them. And then listen. LISTEN! I need to listen to my love! Understand him! (...) Just need to understand – this is the only work. When you understand, you can change, i.e. deploy the power to move things the way you want. When you don’t understand, you are powerless. (...)
Don’t trust yourself when you feel down, you don’t see very much of what’s truly happening. Your view is totally distorted, you are looking at the darkness instead of at the light! Keep totally focused on the light, always!"
Recent Comments