What's In Your Mind?

Is love fading away... again?

After three blissful months in love with Richard, bliss seems to be fading away, again, escaping us... What is it we are doing wrong? Neither of us seems to know. Panic, sadness... I write to him:

"Everything scares me these days. Do I love you, do you love me? Fear opposes love, I can see this clearly. Fear = paralysis, love = action. I feel paralyzed, everything scares me, I don’t know why. Am I not able to love? Paralyzed by fear, by my lack of optimism? Can we fix this or will you give up first, tired of this immense "drain"? What do you think?

Maybe I should go see a "counselor" to talk about it? To talk about these fears, this confusion? (never done this). I know that a relationship is a "personal growth journey", it sheds light on many things about oneself, etc, it is not necessarily all easy and blissful. How is it that when we want to give the best of who we are to the one we love, it is the worst of ourself that comes out?

What is going on? Why don’t I simply trust you, and myself, to succeeed in this adventure, have a good time, be happy together? Is there a problem between us? An incompatibility? Have your feelings changed now that you know me better? Or mine? How do you see things? Does it scare you, this little low between us?

This distresses me a little. Is it just because I am bored? Actually, negative thoughts are winning over positive thoughts and I feel that this is what I am suffering from. But why?

I feel "high maintenance" for having this kind of feelings – I don’t want to take your time/energy, I would like to bring you only joy and simplify your life – I don’t want to say "you must do this or that for me to be happy", I don’t want to need you to be happy.

Let’s talk about these things. Maybe it is normal to have to talk about these things when we’ve been in a relationship for a few months. Go one step further. What do you expect, what do I expect, what does love mean to you, do you think you can be happy with someone like me, etc, etc. Let's not shy away from sharing our deepest feelings, or we may keep feeling that we are growing apart.

Yes, it may be that I am less "love-skilled" than someone who is less cerebral (this confusion I’m in now for example is symptomatic) and sometimes it seems to me that you and I are trapped in a "feedback loop": the more I doubt the more you doubt, etc. Can we turn the loop the other way: the more I trust our love, the more you trust our love, etc?

(…) I would like to hear what you feel, and if you think that there are things we can do, you, me, or both of us, to destroy these doubts, move forward fearlessly, and reconnect even more strongly. Are fears only on my side? Does this kind of exchange tire you? Do you think things should just happen naturally, without having to discuss? (this is the paradox that haunts me). Do you think it is a woman thing, this emotional instability? (I’m not really used to this, not really used to being a woman in fact).

Just a few thoughts. I think that, like me, you want to have a successful love life – with me or somebody else – so I know that we have the same objectives. I am aware that the image of myself I’ve been projecting, i.e. weakness and doubt, is not very attractive. Probably this is a burden to you, well this is a burden to me also, and I would like to change things, it doesn’t feel like this is the image that I typically project. Life doesn’t scare me, in general. Here, it is as if our nascent love was touching a sensitive spot. Something more difficult, more confusing. Maybe because it suddenly feels all so serious between us while we’re still a bit like teenagers… who knows. Maybe it’s just the way it is and not to worry, there is ebb and flow, there is inhalation and exhalation!

Maybe I need more feedback from you: how to love you better, what do you expect from me, what do you like and don’t you like. The state of doubt in which I am now is destructive: I dare not do, invent, undertake anything, and I think that this lowers your interest for me and creates this negative feedback… I don’t know.

Talking about it with open hearts will maybe help me see more clearly, and feel closer to you. Except if you would prefer not to have this type of discussion. I hope I am not bruising us… The fear again.

I’d like us not to let passion escape. Or is there nothing we can do? I know that it is work, a work of art, to love one another. And I have a tendency to contract into laziness/paralysis, which distresses me greatly.

I love you. Poorly, but I love you ;-)

I know that the response to my doubts is action. We must craft an action plan… Stop talking, start acting…"

It's over

My boyfriend Richard just left me. Things had been going South between us for the past few months, to our joint dismay – as we seemed so "made for each other" on paper. But we were never able to reverse the downward spiral that we started to spot back in May, and our love slowly dwindled. "We are like oil and water", he writes. We don’t seem to mix well.

I know very well that things were not working between us, so I accept the break as something that needed to happen. I’m not the kind of person to cling to some illusory romance. Some kind of break was needed.

Nonetheless, Richard is the person closest to me right now, and I hope and assume that we will stay friends, that we will stay close. He is on the same page, it seems…

Please forgive me

This Tonglen practice seems to have triggered a complete turn-around in my attitude vis-à-vis my ex Richard. I realize that I am the problem, not him (or let’s say, that my problem – i.e. where I can do the work – is myself, not him). For the first time in the five months that have elapsed since we broke up, I am able to ask him to forgive me. I understand that it is not all about him having to fix himself – that it is also about me having hurt him while we were together and me having been completely oblivious to that. When he left me, his last words were: "One can not discuss with you". Ouch. Letter to him:

"I ask you to forgive me for not understanding, while we were together, that my "communication style" – a bit aggressive, a bit arrogant, a bit pedantic – has hurt you, at times, and that it finally pushed you away from me.

Never was it my intention to hurt you nor to push you away, ever. I had not realized that I was bruising our relationship. I loved you and wanted our relationship to work out. I was working on it, but poorly. I didn’t know how to do, I was in the fog. All I wanted is to learn, but I didn’t know how or from whom. I would have liked someone (a mentor, a gimini cricket, you, a counselor, you name it) to tell me: "talk rather like this" or "talk rather like that". (…)

I was not always (or actually, not even often) "mindful" with you – for this is what we are talking about here. This is what clarity is: understanding at all times the ramifications of everything one says or does. Staying in the awareness of what is precious in our lives, and preserve it, cherish it.

I’m working on it. On being mindful. Of my actions and my words. I hope that it won’t take a lifetime. But no, I think I’m making progress. It’s hard to believe, but I really don’t approach life the same way I used to.

I would like you to forgive me for this – for my lacks of "mindfulness" in our interactions – I would like you to give me closure on that, also, if you so desire, of course. (…) Thank you."

Forgive you for what?

Richard replied to my "please forgive me" email, asking "forgive you for what?" I guess I was not clear enough. And I must not assume that he realizes how much things are changing inside of me! I make things more explicit:

"Richard, this email was quite important, actually.

I am telling you, Richard, that I have understood at last what you came to teach me (or, let’s say, one of the things you came to teach me!). You came to tell me "One can not discuss with you".

I am telling you that I have become aware of the fact that, indeed, one can not discuss with me. Or let’s say one could not before I understood that, indeed, I was not very "mindful" in my conversations with other people: I was like a babbling child, I was not aware of the energy (at times aggressive, arrogant, what have you) that I was diffusing in my conversations, I was not aware of the consequences of my "communication style", I was not aware that I was sometimes giving the impression that I was trying to crush the person I was talking to, I was not listening to the signs of discomfort around me. I couldn’t see anything, I didn’t understand anything, I was perfectly oblivious to the problem. As a result, I was able to have rich and pleasant conversations only with people like me, while I made many others run way. Even people who were the closest to me. Like yourself.

I am telling you that I have now understood this lesson that you came to give me. The lesson is painful given that it cost me our separation – I can assure you that it is all the better learnt. I can see all this quite clearly now (I didn’t back then).

That I can see it does not mean that I am now perfect on this account ;-), but, as a good first step, I am aware now, I am becoming increasingly mindful of it, and, little by little, I am correcting, subtly changing the way I interact. When I am in a conversation now, I see what’s going on, where before I didn’t see a thing. I choose my words. I understand their impact. I see the exchange from new angles. I talk less. I am more skillful. I speak only when it is necessary. I am learning, it is fascinating! I feel like I’m being born again (this is only one aspect of this rebirth – light is coming out a little bit everywhere, actually).

Doesn’t it make you happy, that I understand at last what you came to teach me? :-)

So I’m asking you again, Richard, because it is important for me, to go on with life, even if you don’t understand: do you forgive my lacks of "mindfulness" in our interactions? I know it hurt you when we were together, because you shared that with me, so I’m asking you if you’d like to forgive me for that. It’s important for me. 

Why is it important? Because when you start seeing the suffering that you may have caused in your life from your own ignorance, you feel it too, and it hurts, and you want to suppress it.

Thanks again."

Is love accepting the other the way she is, or helping her grow?

Email to Richard:

"The other day, you were telling me that I had told you "either you love me the way I am, or you leave". I protested, telling you that I could not possibly have told you that, because I believe that we are here on earth to grow and learn, and I wanted you to teach me, at the very least, how to love you – e.g. how to not hurt you when I speak.

On the other hand, you often told me, when we were together and even after: "I am like I am, and if you don’t love me the way I am, if I need to change, it means that you don’t love me".

So, do you think one must love and accept people exactly the way they are, or help them become better, enjoy life more, surmount their difficulties, i.e. try to change them? Feels like a contradiction, right, like a paradox…

Well in fact there is a paradox only in appearance. There is only one way to love – and therefore grow others: it is to ACCEPT them EXACTLY the way they are, accept them, welcome them, see in them the miracle of perfection that they are – not seek to change anything – and know that the only way to help someone grow and become more him/herself, open to life, is the skillful deployment of our love, is our always expressed and renewed acceptation of them.

I think it is our ignorance and lack of skills that made us see this as a paradox while, in reality, there isn’t any."

Eradicate the poison of expectations

Email to Richard continued:

"For example, as you know, I suffered greatly after our breakup from my own expectations: your behavior was directly opposed to my idea of what it was supposed to be. I had a fantasy, a dream, that you would call me, that you would support me, that we would see each other again, and reality did not correspond to that dream at all, hence suffering. I suffered also when we were together, instead of quite simply accepting you the way you were, with your energy, all your qualities, etc. I see this quite clearly now.

I spent a lot of time fantasizing our relationship instead of living it – while living it was so nice, while, when we accepted each other the way we were (like at the beginning of our relationship) we were so happy! As simple as that! And, guess what, at that time we were not "incompatible", we were not like oil and water! There was no expectation, no fantasy, we were taking life the way it came, minute after minute – and, guess what, you liked everything I did/said and I liked everything you did/said. There was not the poison of my (or our?) expectations.

I can see this now. I don’t know if you also let expectations poison your life. I think it is possible, maybe towards the end – where I could feel that I was no more accepted (which is when I freaked out, so I can sympathize that my non-acceptation of you must have freaked you out and that you left me!). I can see that what separated us is precisely this fantasy, this "delusion", while in fact we had everything we needed to be happy, in the reality of our lives, moment after moment. I did not know how to live reality.

Anyway. I am still quite unskilled at expressing those things – please forgive me if this is clumsy. I am working now at never forming any expectations. EVER. I don’t expect anyone to be on time at an appointment, I don’t expect my car to not break down,  I don’t expect to be able to survive a marathon training, I don’t expect you to read the email I send you… I don’t expect anything. ANYTHING. I am discovering that each minute of my life is in fact filled with joy, one just has to LOOK. It is fascinating. Life has now incredible depth. This is what I mean when I say "I am a new person".

The other side of the coin of expectations is fear – and you know that, as much as I lived in the fantasy of my expectations, I lived in that of my fears. I think I killed both monsters at once!

It is incredible when you realize this. I know that, when love knocks on my door again, that will be it. I know it. Because I have finally understood what love is, quite simply. Love, cherish ALL what life brings my way. Like, if love does not knock on my door again, it absolutely dot not matter. I accept with total surrender – and total awe – what live gives me.

By the way, I would like to seize this opportunity to once more express here my gratitude that you entered my life, that you took the risk to love me and endured the suffering that it caused, and that you were for me like this electroshock in my life that made me realize so many things, open my heart and be able to love, at last. 

I needed this to grow, I can’t imagine what other experience would have taught me all this, I had to live this pain to understand this, destroy these enormous barriers in my life, and be born again."

It takes only one

More email to Richard:

"About the question that was the object of some of our discussions: "whose fault is it?", like whose fault is it if it did not work between us, I think (I know) that we failed not because one of us did not manage to love the other, but because neither you nor I managed to love the other. I think that if I had managed to love you OR if you have managed to love me we would have succeeded.

Why? Because love works this way, it reflects itself, it is a mirror. Love (practiced with skills) calls for love, drives love, like an immense pump, a virtuous circle. One person is enough to drive the spiral in the right direction.

So, our failure is entirely my fault, yes – but it also is entirely your fault. I am almost sure that you know this.

But of course this is of no importance. It is what it is and it is perfect the way it is. One only has to open one’s eyes and SEE this perfection."

If you and I cannot get along, then who will?

My ex Richard is still not really talking to me (we haven’t been face to face in five months), which still bothers me at times. I explain to him why:

"The reason the situation betwen us hurts me is not about you and me – it is about what it is telling me about why the world is so fucked up. If you and I can't get along, can't understand each other, after having been "best friends" and "lovers" – then who will?

This is the reason why the situation between us is making me suffer so much. It is not about you and me – it's about the world, it's about people.

It sort of shakes any belief I would have that there is hope for peace and harmony in this world. And it makes me want to not be of this world.

This is why I was hoping the whole time that you and I would reconcile, this is why I was trying different ways to be friends with you during all these months, this is why I wanted to see you face to face.

That you and I have not been able to reconcile (from what by the way?) really saddens me.

I dream of peace between us, and mutual understanding."

The spiritual significance of human relationships

I just found on the internet a great text on relationships, from spiritual teacher Eva Pierrakos (a WOMAN spiritual teacher – rare encounter!). It corresponds very much to my experience in the last few weeks (waking up from sleepwalking my relationship with Richard). I strongly recommend this read, as well as all other Lectures from Eva Pierrakos.

From that same spiritual organization Pathwork, here is also a map of spiritual growth that I find quite helpful.

Excerpts from The spiritual significance of human relationships:

"Relationship represents the greatest challenge for the individual, for it is only in relationship to others that unresolved problems still existing within the individual psyche are affected and activated."

"The illusion can sometimes be maintained that the problems arise from the other person when one feels disturbance only in his or her presence, and not when by oneself."

"The friction that arises out of relating with others can be a sharp instrument of purification and self-recognition if one is inclined to use it."

"One's contentment and fulfillment in relationship is a much neglected yardstick for one's own development. Relationship with others is a mirror of one's own state and thus a direct help to one's self-purification. Conversely, only by thorough self-honesty and self-facing can relationships be sustained, can feelings expand and contact blossom in long-term relationships. So you can see, my friends, that relationships represent a tremendously important aspect of human growth."

"When people whose spiritual development is on different levels are involved with one another, it is always the more highly developed person who is responsible for the relationship. Specifically, that person is responsible for searching the depths of the interaction which creates any friction and disharmony between the parties."

"The more developed one will always be willing and able to search for his or her own involvement whenever he or she is negatively affected, no matter how blatantly at fault the other one may be. A person of spiritual and emotional immaturity and crudeness will always put the bulk of the blame on the other. All this applies to any kind of relationship: mates, parents and children, friendships, or business contacts."

"If the more highly developed person refuses to undertake the appropriate spiritual duty to assume responsibility for the relationship and look for the core of dissension within, he or she will never really understand the mutual interaction, how one problem affects the other. The relationship must then deteriorate, leaving both parties confused and less able to cope with the self and others. On the other hand, if the spiritually developed person accepts this responsibility, he or she will also help the other in a subtle way. If he or she can desist from the temptation to constantly belabor the obvious sour points of the other and look within, he or she will raise his or her own development considerably and spread peace and joy. The poison of friction will soon be eliminated. It will also become possible to find other partners for a truly mutual growth process."

"When a man and a woman stay together in a more enduring and committed relationship, maintaining and even increasing bliss depends entirely on how the two relate to one another. Are they aware of the direct relationship between enduring pleasure and inner growth? Do they use the inevitable difficulties in the relationship as yardsticks for their own inner difficulties? Do they communicate in the deepest, most truthful, self-revealing way, sharing their inner problems, helping each other, rather than placing mutual guilt on each other and whitewashing themselves? The answers to these questions will determine whether the relationship falters, dissolves, stagnates -- or blossoms."

"Difficulties that arise in a relationship are always signals for something unattended to. They are a loud message for those who can hear it."

"Whenever there is friction or deadness, something must be stuck, something that ought to be seen. Some interaction between the two people remains unclear. If it is understood and brought out into the open, growth will proceed at maximum speed, and, in the dimension of feeling, happiness, bliss, profound experience, and ecstasy will become forever deeper and more beautiful, and life will acquire more meaning."

Feeding the fire of love

It seems that only now (about 6 months after the break-up) I am able to fully contemplate and understand what happened between Richard and I. I share with him in an email:

"We saw our beautiful love dwindle, slowly die down. We were both standing by the fire and we watched it die down without really understanding what was going on. We were sad, then we started feeling cold, then we left and sought warmth elsewhere.

What is crazy is that I understand now (and it staggers me that I did not understand at that time not so long ago) that one has to feed love, or the fire of any relationship for that matter, and that there are huge stacks of wood all around, right nearby! I could not see the wood before, I could not see anything – apart from the dwindling fire and the night all around.

Love (or friendship, etc) is not something that happens to us, it is something that we create. The trick is that when one falls in love, it is not a fire, it is fireworks bigger than ourselves, and we make "oooh!" and "aaah!" and all we think of is enjoy the show – I think this is what happened to us. I can see, objectively, that we gradually stopped giving each other the gestures/signs of love that we were naturally giving to each other during the first weeks. In the light of the flames, all I was doing/saying made you happy, and all you were doing/saying made me happy. It was easy, it was beautiful.

I remember that, when the fire started to die down, we started sending each other slightly hopeless email, saying that we hoped that the fire would start out again, without (neither you nor I, I think) understanding that it was entirely up to us. We were talking of our beautiful love as if it was external to us. We did not even realize that the reality of our behavior towards each other was changing day after day (in the wrong direction, we were doing less and less the gestures/signs of love). Instead, we thought it was fatality, or we thought it had to be the other one’s fault. On my part, it was pure ignorance, I had no idea how to do, I really was in the dark (the most amazing thing is that I was seeking, but in the wrong place). It feels to me now like I know, like a late discovery, and it seems now so obvious! I think that neither you nor I had had that realization. When I was with M. for example, he knew. He was throwing wood into the fire. I was impressed, even, I really could see how he was doing it, but I hadn’t had the realization myself. And it was working between us.

I see and practice this now in my relationship with other people. I see the IMMENSE SPACE there is to work on the relationship and make it luminous – each moment, each word, each gesture. I see the heaps of wood. There is much space, and, when you realize that, there is no more space for conflict, "games", fights, quick reactions, or even no-love. Everything is fluid, workable, nothing is set. A log here, a bunch of branches there. There is space. It is even fascinating and FUN. I also thought that it was fatality, that I did not get along with my parents, or that I was having regular fights with F., or that things were tensed between my boss and I, etc. Well, this is not at all the case. I know now my responsibility in this, I see the immense heaps of wood I can take from at any moment to feed the fires of my life, and I’m having a blast doing this. Everything is now bright, intense and warm, the cold night is no more. It is crazy. I was until now navigating with my eyes wide shut.

That’s it. It strikes me now, this passive and defeatist attitude we both had. It was totally inadequate, that neither you nor I felt responsible for what was going on between us. We were lamenting: "why? Are we unlucky? Maybe we are not "made for this"? Let’s hope that it will come back", and other inadequate thoughts. We were doing as if our love was not on our personal sphere of influence, as if it was coming to us from who-knows-where, while it was sitting there right in the middle.

We also, of course, started the game of finger-pointing: it must be the other’s fault if this is not working, the other is not enough this or not enough that, they don’t do things right and this is why it is not working.

My life has changed a lot since I’ve realized these things. Everything is more fluid, more soft, more rich, more pleasant, more intense, more fun! It is sad that I had to loose you to end up here – probably I needed something as painful as this to finally come to these realizations."