What's In Your Mind?

Back from Burning Man

I am back from Burning Man. Wooh! What a trip! I feel about 5 years older than I was a week ago. Another whole layer of personal growth, a deluge of realizations about who I am, all stacked up in a few days’ time. Burning Man. 30,000 people coming together to co-create the ideal conditions for enjoying a joint peak experience, an experience that imprints in your body, mind and soul a whole new idea of the heights of the experience of being human.

Take 30,000 people. Bring them in the desert, a hundred miles away from the next city. Remove all the things in life that, at times, separate one from joy: cars, money, buying and selling, stiff ideas about what life is about, etc. Have each of them bring with him/her the best of what they want to offer to others: art, music, food, drinks, parties, games, colors, kindness, fun, etc. And get a true taste of heaven on earth. This is Burning Man.

In addition to what seemed like an uninterrupted stream of personal realizations about the great mystery of life, I was also blessed with another major "mystical episode" there, somehow even stronger than the last one. Woosh – how strong that was! I cannot put into words, and won’t try to. But the whole Burning Man experience is, in a way, nothing less than a mystic experience: a real-life experience in realizing our fundamental connectedness to each other, the impermanence of all things physical, and the law of cause and effect that rules the manifested world. I won’t say much more – words will fall short no matter how hard I try. Just come and experience for yourself!

In the meantime, you may want to check out the Burning Man website (e.g. check out the pictures!) and maybe you will get the beginning of an idea of what it is. But don’t, please don’t, try to fit it in any pre-conceived notion you have of what it could be! It is NOT like anything you have ever experienced or even heard of. You may also try to connect with your local Burning community.

I told my parents on the phone today: "Burning Man is the edge of evolution".

First meditation: it works!

In New York City for the marathon that I am not able to run because of a stress fracture, I seek advice from my friend Sasha, who earlier pointed me towards Buddhism. I ask him: "So, does meditation really work?" He tells me: "Well, why don’t you try? Do this: sit with your back straight, close your eyes, and start breathing focusing on your breath. You may want to count your breaths: 21, 20, 19, etc, to 1."

In the flight back to San Francisco, I take a leap of faith and decide to give it a try. I close my eyes and start watching my breath and counting... And surprise: it works! It is subtle; I can tell it is a whole different world… I feel that meditation induces a mild "altered state of consciousness" that reminds me of my trip to the mountain top, as it also induces clarity and well-being… I understand that this is a step in the right direction, and that meditation is my surest ally if I want to reach the mountain top again… or at least move upwards.

Tony Robbins

In addition to getting started with meditation, I also actually followed my cousin’s advice and read Tony Robbins’ Awaken the Giant Within, as I know that, in essence, Robbins does the same job as spiritual teachers do: help people know themselves better and grow into their full potential as a human being. I shared this finding with my Buddhist friend Sasha, but he replied that serious meditative practice is the only way to transform oneself. Hmm… Is it? My reply:

"One more word about Robbins: the reason I think it is of interest is that – and maybe it's just me – I believe it is important to fully understand some of the paths towards a joyful and fulfilled life taken by people in our culture – as it can help us communicate more effectively with our peers...

I do believe like you do that a spiritual practice, like some of the things we are exploring, is one of the most powerful tools out there. Robbins doesn't really talk about it – although some of the visualizations he talks about are somewhat comparable to meditation. It is actually funny to see how there is no spiritual thread to what he talks about, yet, without a doubt – Buddhist teachers and Robbins are talking about the same thing.

What Robbins says (about pleasure/pain, energy, beliefs, states of mind, identity, etc) is already a stretch to many (I learnt a lot of good stuff!!) – but his language is understandable to all, while some of the Buddhist/Eastern stuff may sound esoteric to some – I for example already encounter a number of strong, bizarre reactions when I drop the word Buddhist at some friend's gatherings!

I recognize that Tony provides no real tool if you do not commit to his methods (no transcendence aspect) but
- what he talks about IS enlightenment, awakening
- he HAS helped many, undeniably, awaken.
Therefore, he IS a spiritual teacher, one that points to your Self."

After I put the book down (and because I did not, in fact, commit to his methods, while I know he offers workshops, tapes, etc, to practice them), there is, in fact and indeed, not much else remaining in me besides the sweet memory of the high that reading the book created. Practice is the key, I know…

First visit to a Buddhist meditation center

I just went for the first time to the Diamond Way meditation center to take part in their regular guided meditation. Hmm, what to think of it? Of course, nothing "extraordinary" happened... (how can I not compare with my own recent peak experiences, last July and August?)

My friend Sasha recommends that I attended a meditation retreat with Lama Ole Nydhal, to get another true taste of the mountaintop… I register to one in April in San Francisco, and one in May in Texas.

Fear

Email to Sasha:

"I fear sometimes that this is taking me away from my "normal" life, or, say, the way I thought my life was going to be (despite the lack of clarity of it all). Things like visions I had that I should dedicate my life to helping others, etc. It SCARES me (I believe for example that it may help explain my recent break-up: I once had the strong vision, that I shared with him, that I was not in this life to bear children). It just is, but it is all scary in a way, like sometimes I would like to not look at the light, to not follow the path… To go back...? but it's one-way, right...? I can see that. So it's only fear... but maybe it is holding me back a little. Like I wanted to know my "calling" in life, but the more it seems to disclose itself to me, the more I want to close my eyes... there is a bit of that.

I know the things I am discovering make a lot of sense, it makes everything fit, as you put it, etc. It is not really possible to go back and erase this knowledge from me now. I am just wondering why we are not more people to share these things (and probably it's because I'm just "joining in" so I don't know many people) and I can see that I have a large part of responsibility in this, in sharing with others. I see the path has the potential to be hard... and I wish I had a companion sometimes...

I was sharing with you what I guess I should interpret as growing pains... Sometimes disbelief, questioning, sometimes just fear. Sometimes wondering if it is not just a construction of our minds.... do you ever have such doubts? Do you have, or have you had, "growing pains"?

Maybe it will go away when I get the regular connection from meditating... Guess it's a whole process I'm just starting and all of this is just legitimate. I feel it's worth it anyway, cause being in the dark was painful also (but being a child has its good moments!).

As you put once, once you've seen the ocean, when you're back in the forest, you find the river and start walking..."

Intermittence

My friends Sasha asks me where I’m at with my search. I reply:

"My search is unfortunately intermittent. I've been distracted by my attachment to my connection with my ex-boyfriend, of which he's been pulling out and I've been busy (silly me) resisting it. I’m learning through the process about the very subjects of my attachements...

A few meetings with other people on the way every now and then (more and more), always truly inspiring (eye contact is already like fuel), more doors into the San Francisco underground scene (which is quite "spiritually aware"), little meditation practice unfortunately (I really have been distracted with this ex-boyfriend thing, depression and stuff: the West Coast has also made me indulge more in exploring my emotional side! ;-)), a fair amount of reading though. But I know practice is the chore.

I am very much looking forward to the Texas retreat in May." (Sasha got me all psyched with meditation and Buddhism, and I signed up for two retreats with Lama Ole Nydhal: one in San Francisco in April, and one in Texas in May)

Coming out

Well, I guess seeking professional help has borne fruits… After just a few minutes of sitting with my counselor Roslyn, I knew that my "depression" was already a thing of the past. My two first sessions with her have had an incredible impact on me, made me feel amazing, in charge, etc. I cannot believe that I haven’t gone earlier, and that I have never sought help before!

Tonight, I went to see her for the third time (I am leaving tomorrow morning for a 10-day trip to Guatemala). I told her that, this time, I would like to talk, not about Richard, but about me, what I am going to do with my life, etc. I’ve been having the distinct feeling that my depression over Richard was the tree hiding the forest – that the real issue was not my relationship with him, but my relationship with myself. 

So I start talking about myself, what I would like to do with my life, etc… And I realize it is actually the first time I ever do so! So, for the first time ever in my life, I hear myself say who I am, I hear myself say "I want to be a spiritual teacher or something like that, help people get on with life". Me, a spiritual teacher! Waoh. This is quite a shock. For the first time tonight I feel I know who I really am.

She tells me: "You do what you can until you know your destiny" (from the movie The Last Samurai that she just saw).

I am in an incredible state of clarity and bliss after that session with Roslyn, something akin to a mild mystical state... I share my feelings with Richard in an email (as I am still hooked to writing to him ;-)):

"I just spent 75 sublime minutes with Roslyn. I think those are the best-spent $150 in my life ;-). I feel like sharing this with you, if this is OK…

To summarize, CLARITY! I realize that my attraction to "the spiritual life" is legitimate, real, powerful: it is in fact my passion. For the first time in my life, I have discovered my passion! Something that pulls me, attracts me, leads me… I must stop resisting, this is me!

It is NORMAL that I don’t work too much at work, that I have never liked my jobs too much, that I don’t feel like looking for another one. It is also normal for example that I don’t really feel like going to Guatemala and that I did not prepare for that trip (brush up my Spanish etc): I have a passion and it has been consuming all my time and energy! (…) Tonight, at last, I am starting to face it and accept it.

I feel very unstable at this time because this is like entering a new world, everything is new here, I have no reference. NEVER in my life has anyone told me about spirituality. I have been told about studying, career, enterprise, science, love, family, politics, art, etc… but NOT about spirituality (even though I was in a Catholic school all my life!). My mother was angry at me one day when she saw that I was reading a book about life after life – she said that one should not read such things. That world [the spiritual world] exists, it is now revealing itself to me day after day, but I was until now alien to it. I must therefore confront doubts, etc, it is a little bit like a yo-yo, it is difficult. But I know that these doubts will fade away then disappear, and that I will establish myself in that "new world" – I feel called to it as if by an incredible force. Tonight for the first time I accept this, I stop resisting, I stop telling myself that I am crazy, etc. This is it…

I can now see a way forward, I was able to discuss with Roslyn about where we go from here, what steps to make, etc. I am new in that world but many people (like her and like – surprise surprise – more and more people I meet) are there also… I must build more landmarks and stop doubting. She gave me a bunch of leads: seminars, groups, books, etc.

I am passionate, Richard. This felt like a disease until now, like something shameful, now I can see clearly… I finally accept who I am, what I want, where I’m going. This is huge. I know why I live in San Francisco, (...) I know why you had me read The Celestine Prophecy (after all, this is what started this whole thing, what woke up the sleeping beast! Thank you Richard!) (…)

I now feel that my life is going to change. (…) It is like a major coming out (…). It is no more a shameful disease. It is me, simply.

(…) In a way I wish I was not going to Guatemala, because this is off-track, really, although she told me to just try and look for spirituality there! All this is so new I don't even know where to look for spirituality! This is incredible. I wish I could just sit and meditate and get organized for my new life..."

Back to work

I came back yesterday from Guatemala and Belize. The trip was absolutely fantastic, I felt I was in the pure state of clarity and bliss that I am starting to get familiar with now pretty much the whole time. I had a couple of powerful meditations, I also started to write a journal, and I went through a couple of spiritual books: The Celestine prophecy: an experiential guide, and Awakening the Buddha within from Lama Surya Das, which perfectly resonate with "the new me". More significantly, I felt deeply connected, pretty much every minute, with everything/everyone that was around me, like as if they were, in reality, me. A part of me. Amazing feeling.

I have resolved to stay at my current job another 8-12 months until I know more clearly what the next step to realize my new-found calling will be (e.g. studying at a psycho-spiritual university to get a degree in transpersonal psychology?).

But now that I’m back to work, my "energy level" has dropped suddenly: I feel confused again, and sort of depressed. It suddenly dawns on me that I might have to quit my job sooner than I had resolved... as I don’t think I'm going to be able to go on like this much longer...

Totally lost

My confusion and feeling of inadequacy at work became so unbearable yesterday that I went to my boss and told him that I was quitting because I had found my calling. But now it feels like this is absolutely insane! What the hell am I doing? How am I going to survive without my job? Letter to my friend Sasha:

"I'm in the middle of a total mid-life crisis... I had a session with a counselor before New Year's and it came out that I am passionate about all this spiritual stuff and would like to make it my life – i.e. my career. But I am totally ignorant of what options there are. She told me there were a bunch, possibly couselor like her (she is into spirituality), or professor, or spiritual teacher...

Then I was in bliss for 2 weeks (in Guatemala, designing the master plan of what to do next, basically stay at my job for the next few months while I figure out what to do, then do it).

Then I came back to work and it was fog again, all clarity and joy left me – it didn't feel possible that I could stay one more day... so I talked to my boss and told him I wanted to quit because I had found my calling.

And now today I am totally lost, feels like I've done something crazy and terrible – like, how am I going to live without any revenue? Can I survive, alone, without a job? I am totally lost...

I will go back to my boss and say I'd like to slow things down, think things over a bit more.... I am fucking SCARED. TERRORIZED. Any advice? Maybe I could call you to discuss?

Life seems to be getting a little complicated for me these days... I don't seem to be able to sustain the joy..."

A bit later:

"I'm just going through a bunch of intense ups and downs but it's all going upward :-) like a spiral – I have doubts, but I know where I am going. The fog sets in again sometimes but there's more and more sunshine and clarity.

WHAT A RIDE !!!!!!

I am trying to work out a deal with my company whereby I would work part-time for them until I figure out the next step. This sounds awesome – no financial stress + time on my hands to explore my "destiny"!

Just showed me (again) that worrying is perfectly useless!! :-)"

A bit later:

"The mess is sort of sorting itself up a bit – it is like a spiral as I said in my second email. It's a crazy ride, but overall it's all good :-) it's better than anything else. It's just fears and clouds and doubts getting in the way. I’m holding on."

In fact, what I have decided is just to stay with my job for now… given how scared I got when I said I’d quit.

Ready to jump

My feeling of being torn between staying at my job (i.e. in the known) and following my heart's calling (i.e. jumping into the unknown) has not abated since I told my boss that I would quit four weeks ago (only to retract myself the day after). Letter to Sasha:

"I have suffered tremendously and consistently from my work life ever since it started (five years ago). I am awfully unhappy at work and this is now taking (with the spiritual awakening if you wish) huge proportions – my heart feels crushed, I don't do a thing there except feeling miserable, I suffer, physically and mentally, this is unbearable.

I keep making excuses for not quitting – like, I would if I had a boyfriend who supported me, I would if I'd get unemployment. But the truth is, I have money to support myself for a while.

This is killing me, destroying me.

I need to quit. I've been on the edge of the cliff for a long time now, not daring to jump. TERRIFIED. Remember how it feels when you're about to benji jump: the same. This is where I'm at. This is where I've been for a while now.

I am paralized by FEAR. Fear of all sorts – you can't imagine. Fear of being poor, of falling short of my parents' expectations, of losing my "status", of being chastised by my friends, of never finding my place in society, of becoming even more depressed, of just being lazy and inadequate to life, of failure. A HUGE BUNDLE OF FEARS.

I need to confront these fears (or... let go of them) and JUMP.

I need to jump. There is no way around it. I keep not seeing the blatant TRUTH, I keep refusing to see WHAT IS (my utter dissatisfaction with my current working life). This cannot go on.

I just wanted to bounce this off to you. Sasha, I suppose you've had exact similar feelings when you quit your job (although you may not have been as dissatisfied with your job, as crushed by it, as I am now).

Any insight from the wiser?

I think I'm pretty much decided – enough is enough – but I just need to hear some voices. I will see if this is stable in the next few days. If it is, I guess I'll just do it.

Take a sabbatical – after all, I make a huge drama out of it, but it is no big deal....

Let me know if you have any thought.

Sasha, I know you did one year of soul searching – and then you went back to your job, in another function. Was this useful? Any insight is most welcome.

This is the craziest time of my life. Fuck, the sheer intensity of it all..."