What's In Your Mind?

Existential crisis

Letter to my friend Mat:

"I am not being myself, Mat. I am not giving my talents to this world. I am truly unhappy at work and I have always been. I feel guilty all the time yet I don't seem to be able to do anything about it. It makes me feel so bad... I think the little depression I just went through may have happened to show me something there. I am tired of wondering what the hell am I on earth to do, to accomplish, I seem not to see it. Lots of noise from my parents' expectations, from my schools' expectations, from the necessity (that I perceive) of being able to provide for myself, and maybe for a family, i.e. make money, etc, and I have not found my true self.

I need to do some serious personal laundry. I need some guidance. Spiritual, or whatever. I need to take a break and find the flow again and go with it. I am not, I am forcing myself, I am resisting (what?), I am suffering.

(…) Right now I feel that I would like to write (I know, who doesn't?) but no, I would really like to write, I know I have a talent for writing, and a passion for it. But never wrote anything else than letters to my friends and emails... (and work stuff) sounds truly laughable, no?

Why does it seem so hard for me to be in touch with my true self? What is it I am holding to that prevents me from seeing the light? Or am I just dysfunctional, insane, antisocial, or inadapted to society?

Any clue?"

Do what makes you happy

At a conference in Washington, DC, I write the following letter to my boyfriend Richard (Richard and I started dating in March):

"I escaped from the meeting, I don’t feel at ease at all. Yes you are right, I must invent new success criteria for myself as those I was offered don’t seem to fit – making lots of money and having lots of responsibilities; I don’t think it is my thing. I don’t fit in "the mold", I don’t feel like it at all. I feel like being some kind of a "prophet" (see the type of ambition!), no but, seriously, this is more how I see myself. I was thinking about my buddy who is a rabbi – actually I think I would have liked this kind of job, spiritual guide… hmm, this is something I should explore. It is time I started a real introspection, without giving too much weight to my education, others’ expectations, etc. That I concentrate on finding what will make me happy.

When I was at MIT, the speakers at my Commencement were… brothers Click and Clack, local celebrities: they have a radio show on NPR where people call about their car problems and they provide solutions – and it is all very funny. They came right after Bill Clinton, Kofi Annan, etc – so it was a bit of a joke. But both Click and Clack happen to be MIT alumni and their speech was incredibly inspirational, and I think now is the time where I need to draw inspiration from it. They told us their story: after MIT, they became engineers, doing like boring routine jobs, then one day one of them had a bad car accident and almost died and he realized that he was wasting his life doing something he didn’t like. He gave his resignation, and so did his brother, and, their passion being auto mechanics, they started a mechanics shop where people would come, use their tools, and learn how to repair their own cars. Then, one thing leading to another, they became the famous radio stars. That is the story of Click and Clack.

And their quite unusual message to the 2,000 MIT graduates and their families that year: find out what makes you happy, and do it, and do it now, while you're young, don’t procrastinate, etc. So, I need to find my mechanics shop, and hopefully I won’t need to go through a near-death experience for that. But I can feel that the corporate world, etc, is not it.

(…) I am not very creative… but I’m good at expressing others’ ideas. I can pretty much explain anything to anyone. My ex-boyfriend was always telling me: "You are a teacher".  Plus I love this: acquire knowledge and diffuse it. What to do now?

(…) "Things" don't matter to me much. I realize we need them and I'm happy to have them (cars, planes, contact lenses, cell phones) but being part of the big machinery that creates and offers and maintains them is not what I believe I should be doing with my life. Am I wrong and do I need a better brainwashing to become more of a productive element in society? Not rare to hear from others when I tell my story that I am just "a little girl who is never satisfied"! But this is untrue I think.

(…) Bizarre time it feels, floating in limbo..... Who do I want to be? What do I want to achieve in my life?"

Is life less spiritual than it used to be?

Continuing our email dialogue, Francois now tells me how life was more spiritual in the past, citing a book he read on traditional people – how the very act of hunting for food was "spiritual" for them, and how, in addition, they did other "spiritual" activities like painting, etc (while all we do now is spend all our time seeking to accumulate money).

"Food is not the only thing! Our traditional friends don’t have physicians, nor do they have vacation, possibility to travel, to study, etc. I imagine that they can’t read (no teachers).

Hmm.

Spirit is present in every act of your life IF YOU SO DESIRE. It is a matter of personal choice. Spirit is present in every act of my life now. Except that my life is not about fishing, but about managing research programs on Climate Change.

I don’t see what makes you think that their life is more spiritual than mine, for example. It is a judgment that you make (of them and of me, or of your contemporaries) – by projecting your personal fantasy of a life close to nature, etc.

It is up to each one of us to make every act a spiritual act. It is the choice I’m making now. And my life has acquired since I’ve made this choice an extraordinary intensity. Also, I have not spent a single minute of my life seeking to accumulate money – and I know that the chicken that I eat has been alive. I actually now eat as little meat as possible. Also, I chant, I contemplate nature, I read, I do yoga, I meditate.

My life is very "spiritual". At the same time, I gladly benefit from the material progress that my fellow men have set in motion to give me a better life (longer life span, more leisure time, less pain, etc).

You? Is your life not as spiritual as you would like?"

More rage against the machine

Francois replies to my email. I reproduce here a few of his comments, and my replies to them:

Francois: "I am not angry at industrialists, nor do I accuse them of seeking only profits. On the other hand, if you can’t see the folly of our agricultural policies, you are blind. Same if you can’t see the non-sense of the hedonist quest. Our societies are collapsing under their material goods. For example, there are more and more obese people."

My reply: "I do not collapse under the weight of material goods. I am not obese. Neither are you. I am sure that, like me, you do not know many obese people, nor do you know many people who are collapsing under material goods. What society are you talking about? Not the one I know, not the one I live in.

I am not disgusted by my fellow men the way you seem to be. I am not indignant at other people’s choices. The "hedonist quest" is not a non-sense in my view: it is the free choice of some people, and it doesn’t bother me. It is not my choice. I fundamentally believe in everybody’s freedom to explore the corner of the universe that they desire. And I am part of this exploration, given that I am part of this humanity which is One, of this collective consciousness.

I do not see the "folly of our agricultural policies". I do not have the means to judge, so I don’t judge. I trust my fellow men. I know by experience that most people do "the right thing". All the people I know do "the right thing", given what they know. I believe that people who administer agriculture do this also. And if everything is not perfect… nothing is ever perfect. I know that it is useless to comment, judge, badmouth, when we don’t have the power to change things. I know what my sphere of action is, what is inside of it and what is outside of it. I deal only with what is inside. French agricultural policy isn’t inside. But an enormous amount of things are: I know how easy it is to trigger change, or have an impact, in the groups or organizations I am a part of."

Francois: "Children in our schools have never seen a live animal. (…) We are less and less in touch with life."

My reply: "This is a judgment… again, who is this "we"? I am very much in touch with life. I do not understand what you are saying. I do not think that there is a single kid in France who has never seen a live animal. Once again, I don’t understand this caricature you paint of your fellow men. What I read here is a discomfort IN YOURSELF. While you busy yourself being indignant OF OTHERS, maybe you’re not spending the time taking an interest IN YOURSELF: who are you, what do YOU bring to humanity, etc. This obsession of saying that others are doing everything wrong sounds like an escape… what if others were NOT doing everything wrong? Have you ever considered this possibility?"

Now Francois, as a response to my statement that "you cannot change anything to the past, and you can gear the future in the right direction only if you believe that there is any", replies: "But there is no direction. Why believe that there is one? There is where we want and can go. Where do we want to go?"

My reply: "I do not ask myself that particular metaphysical question anymore because I now know where I want and can go, and where I can lead my fellow men (it is easy as soon as you look inside yourself – if only a little), while I am not responsible for "where the world is going" given that it is outside my sphere of responsibility. The sum of every individual movement creates the direction of the whole, but the only thing upon which you have any power is your individual movement – and nothing more. When you understand this, you can start living and ACTING at last. You can free yourself of 90% of the burden that habitually prevents you from acting, and start at last to really move forward… This is my experience. My life has acquired a whole new intensity ever since I made this discovery."

The work is within yourself and nowhere else

As an astute twist in the dialogue we started a few days ago, Francois recommends that I read Tony Robbins (it shows that he somehow got the hint that I was trying to give him that the work is within oneself and nowhere else). I send him the link to this great interview of Tony Robbins that I found. A few excerpts (Tony speaking):

"Life's greatest rewards are reserved for those who demonstrate a never-ending commitment to act until they achieve. As simplistic as this may sound, it is still the common denominator separating those who live their dreams from those who live in regret."

"Ultimately, the only way to be fulfilled is to constantly grow and to contribute in a meaningful way to other people, to the world. And in order to grow, all of us have to be willing to let go of our fear and let go of who we are, and we've got to set standards and we've got to challenge ourselves. What makes people leaders in life is their willingness to say, "Raise your standard. Demand more from yourself." That's what all leaders of any sort do: They call people to a higher standard. I think that causes people to grow. And we must grow. (…) If you don't feel like you're growing, even if millions of people love you, you've got nothing. (…) You're either growing or dying—there's no in-between."

"Growth does not come from having an intellectual discussion with yourself. Growth only comes when you transform. And you must take that growth and convert that to something meaningful so that the world becomes better, so that the heaven on earth that we were talking about earlier actually becomes a possible reality—and I think it ultimately will. It already is for many people. It's just a matter of making your peer group become humanity instead of your peer group being a small number of people that you have influence over or impact on in your lifetime."

"I believe that ultimately my life is guided, but I also believe that along the way, I have a conscious choice whether to listen to that inner guidance or not. And if I listen to it, then my life turns out very differently than if I don't. And knowing when it's really your inner guidance and when it's your fear speaking is very important."

"When I'm being my spiritual best, I don't know what's happening. It's just coming through me. I put myself in a place. I ask for guidance. I pray and then I trust that it's there and it shows up."

"I believe the ultimate path to enlightenment is the cultivation of gratitude. Because in a state of gratitude, real gratitude, deep spiritual, emotional, physical and definitely soul-level appreciation, there is no fear."

"I think that anything we can do to more thoroughly understand how we function as human beings, what really drives us, and how we can utilize that understanding to be better human beings and better spiritual beings, is definitely a part of our evolution. And I think it has to happen rapidly because our technology is multiplying in its capacity and its strength and its diversity more rapidly than our technology for the management of human emotion, which is what drives all human action. And I think that's the part that has to be focused on. We need to develop the emotional and spiritual muscles to deal with whatever challenges show up."

Dot-com saviors, tilting at the world's ills

I found an interesting article from the New York Times on ex-Dot-Commers now trying to make a better world. It makes me feel less lonely! Excerpts:

"In increasing numbers, high-tech entrepreneurs who grew wealthy during the dot-com boom of the late 1990's - as well as many who didn't - are turning the intense business acumen they once devoted to making money to working for what they see as the global good. With the best of intentions, and maybe a hint of hubris, these New Age saviors are trying to build water purifiers, manual irrigation pumps, low-cost solar collectors, hearing aids, even highly durable mosquito nets."

"I plan to sit out the next bubble," he said. "I don't care if the Nasdaq goes to 20,000. I'll be in Nepal delivering books to villages on the back of a yak."

Ready to jump

My feeling of being torn between staying at my job (i.e. in the known) and following my heart's calling (i.e. jumping into the unknown) has not abated since I told my boss that I would quit four weeks ago (only to retract myself the day after). Letter to Sasha:

"I have suffered tremendously and consistently from my work life ever since it started (five years ago). I am awfully unhappy at work and this is now taking (with the spiritual awakening if you wish) huge proportions – my heart feels crushed, I don't do a thing there except feeling miserable, I suffer, physically and mentally, this is unbearable.

I keep making excuses for not quitting – like, I would if I had a boyfriend who supported me, I would if I'd get unemployment. But the truth is, I have money to support myself for a while.

This is killing me, destroying me.

I need to quit. I've been on the edge of the cliff for a long time now, not daring to jump. TERRIFIED. Remember how it feels when you're about to benji jump: the same. This is where I'm at. This is where I've been for a while now.

I am paralized by FEAR. Fear of all sorts – you can't imagine. Fear of being poor, of falling short of my parents' expectations, of losing my "status", of being chastised by my friends, of never finding my place in society, of becoming even more depressed, of just being lazy and inadequate to life, of failure. A HUGE BUNDLE OF FEARS.

I need to confront these fears (or... let go of them) and JUMP.

I need to jump. There is no way around it. I keep not seeing the blatant TRUTH, I keep refusing to see WHAT IS (my utter dissatisfaction with my current working life). This cannot go on.

I just wanted to bounce this off to you. Sasha, I suppose you've had exact similar feelings when you quit your job (although you may not have been as dissatisfied with your job, as crushed by it, as I am now).

Any insight from the wiser?

I think I'm pretty much decided – enough is enough – but I just need to hear some voices. I will see if this is stable in the next few days. If it is, I guess I'll just do it.

Take a sabbatical – after all, I make a huge drama out of it, but it is no big deal....

Let me know if you have any thought.

Sasha, I know you did one year of soul searching – and then you went back to your job, in another function. Was this useful? Any insight is most welcome.

This is the craziest time of my life. Fuck, the sheer intensity of it all..."

Overcoming the fears

Yesterday, I reached the end of the fierce battle with fear that I have been fighting over the last four weeks or so (fear of quitting my job managing research programs on Climate Change for a research institute to respond to a new-found "calling" to help people "awaken", grow from inside). I visited with my friend Mat, and for three hours, he asked me to describe my fears, probe into them, look at them upside down and inside out.

And suddenly, I knew this was it: I overcame my fears. I killed the demon. And I decided to quit my job (actually I came up with the easier, "intermediary" decision to take a few-months' sabbatical). I wrote to him:

"Somehow right now the fear is gone. I feel I am ready to jump. We will see how the next few days unfold, how it all stabilizes (fear is a wicked enemy) - but I believe I can and will jump now. So stay tuned...

There is no fear as we speak. There is pure clarity. I am actually truly excited at the prospect of a long-overdue sabbatical. At the prospect of being proud of having done this, of this gift of love to myself."

To Sasha (I am turning 30 this Sunday):

"Just to let you know... As we speak the fear is GONE. There is no fear. It may be back tomorrow - but this is the first time I feel zero fear about this.

I know this is the right thing to do - it is that simple. Fear is a construction of the mind - a delusion, it has nothing to do with reality.

The reality: I am miserable, day after day after day, I am depressed, this is taking a toll on my health, my sanity and my relationships (I drive many of my friends nuts - to many people, all they've seen of me is whining about my job and utter dissatisfaction)

Coming of age. Wooff, what a birthday, I'll remember my turning 30, I think! I am looking forward to freedom. Seems like the gate to my imaginary prison has just opened."

So today, I asked for and obtained a sabbatical leave (starting mid-March, after a business trip to Japan already scheduled), for real this time, and with joy. No more fear indeed. I jumped from the cliff edge. I wrote to another friend:

"I am going through the most intense, craziest time in my whole life so far. I see myself confronted with all my fears, all the ghosts are stepping out of the closets, etc, this is incredible. I would never had thought that one could go through such times… my life until now had been without ripples… Guess what, turning 30, I’ll never forget about it!"

Joy is back

Email to Richard:

"This is huge… ever since I decided to leave my job, my "joie de vivre" has come back. For MONTHS I had been waking up feeling sad in the morning. It’s over. All my joy is back. I feel whole again – this is HUGE.

It is INCREDIBLE that I have endured the PAIN for so long. INCREDIBLE. This is maybe my biggest lesson in life so far, I feel so strong now – that I have demonstrated for the first time that I REALLY TRUST MYSELF.

My dream is to eradicate from the Western belief system this poisonous idea that "one cannot change". Really. I know one can change – super quickly even, and I would like people to know this as well as they know that the earth is, in fact, round.

This is my ambition."

We cannot change the world, huh?

My friend Hannah argued with me today that no one can change the world on his/her own, that we are infinitesimal drops in the ocean of life… I sent her an email:

"Why do you think that?

Look at the people who, you think, have enormously changed the world – have had a great impact. Make a list. I don’t know, for example Jesus, or Gandhi, or Mother Theresa, Bill Gates, Henri Ford, Simone Weil, Camus, Picasso, politicians or dissidents whose names you will know better than I do, etc (one could put hundreds of names there I imagine).

Then ask yourself: what did they have in themselves that makes that they changed the world? I think it will give you clues on what it is you need to do if you want to change the world. A few possible answers that come to me randomly:

• They had a VISION that they alone had (I am sure that "everybody" told them that they were crazy, or idealists, or dreamers, I am sure that they had to go through lots of mockery)
• They did NOT believe like you right now that they could not have a massive impact on the world
• They worked without respite all their life – or a big part of their life – to turn this vision of theirs into reality, despite the many, many obstacles
• They destroyed all the "monsters" on their path: fears, doubts, critics, etc
• They were, I think, men /women of integrity, and gave themselves entirely to their mission
• They were totally plugged in to their "little voice" inside (vs. listening to all the loud voices outside!)

Just my 2 cents… self-realization is a fascinating process.... it is what life is about I think."